Copyright This!

January 20, 2004

After I finish this column, I will be writing a letter to my congressman, demanding that he immediately introduce legislation forcing the Federal Trade Commission to develop a National Smacking Committee for Moronic, Mean Maneuvers Against the Little Guy, aka the NSCMMMALG.

The NSCMMMALG's job will be to hunt down enormous corporations who are accused of engaging in acts of tacky and classless harassment against smaller companies or individuals. If a company is found to be guilty of engaging in such harassment, the offending corporation will be 1) forced to knock it off, and 2) each and every executive in the chain of command that allowed said harassment, either knowingly or unknowingly, will get smacked silly until some sense is knocked into them.

You've all heard examples of such corporate assholeishness. One of the most heinous examples came a few years back, when Village Voice Media -- the owner of all sorts of alternative newsweeklies, which have traditionally defended the little guy against the big guy, or at least they did until they became huge, profitable businesses -- had its lawyers go around DEMANDING that several smaller newspapers stop using the word "Voice" as part of their titles. Seriously. Some smaller papers, without lots of money for lawyers, relented. It was pathetic, and I would have personally volunteered to be on the NSCMMMALG Smacking Committee, even though I fear my hands would have been covered with slime after touching these corporate executives.

Well, now a company has come along and done something even more ridiculous. And of course, it is Microsoft. Here is an Associated Press story that was posted yesterday on CNN.com:

It's Microsoft versus Mike Rowe-soft.

Rowe, a 17-year-old high school senior and Web designer from Victoria, has angered the software giant by registering an Internet site with the address www.MikeRoweSoft.com.

"Since my name is Mike Rowe, I thought it would be funny to add 'soft' to the end of it," said Rowe.

Microsoft, however, is not amused.

It has demanded that he give up his domain name. In November, Rowe received a letter from Microsoft's Canadian lawyers informing him he was committing copyright infringement.

"I didn't think they would get all their high-priced lawyers to come after me," Rowe said.

He wrote back asking to be compensated for giving up his name. Microsoft's lawyers offered him $10 in U.S. funds. Then he asked for $10,000.

On Thursday, he received a 25-page letter accusing him of trying to force Microsoft into giving him a large settlement.

"I never even thought of getting anything out of them," he said, adding that he only asked for the $10,000 because he was "sort of mad at them for only offering 10 bucks."

Microsoft company spokesman Jim Desler said Sunday, "Microsoft has been in communication with Mr. Rowe in a good faith effort to reach a mutually agreeable resolution."

Rowe is keeping his sense of humor.

"It's not their name. It's my name. I just think it's kind of funny that they'd go after a 17-year-old," Rowe said.

I think I speak for all Americans when I say that based on this news article alone, Bill Gates should be used as a tackling dummy by the Carolina Panthers. Just for a little while.

But I digress; I am sure that forcing CEOs with googilions of dollars and bad hair to serve as NFL tacking dummies would fall outside of the purview of punishment allowed by the NSCMMMALG. But smacking would not be. And the folks at Microsoft deserve to be smacked really hard for this one. I mean, they're picking on a 17-year-old kid for registering a domain name, with no known profit motive, that is primarily made up of HIS NAME.

Yes, I am writing my congressman right now. But I am using Microsoft Word to write the letter. And I may use the word "voice."

Hmm. I hear knocking on my door. Let me go get that. What's this? A subpoena? From both Microsoft AND Village Voice Media?

Crap.

Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan in exile in Arizona who thanks God "Jimmy Boegle" doesn't sound like the names of any companies he knows of. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.

1