According to those who know, more workplace sexual harassment lawsuits originate from the goings-on at office Christmas parties than from anything else. It's an easy recipe to figure out, really. You throw a bunch of co-workers together; add a dash of being-outside-the-office freedom; top it off with serious quantities of alcohol -- and it leads to a recipe of grab-ass and inappropriate innuendo.
At a corporate Christmas party I recently attended, I saw first-hand how this recipe can develop. At this party, however, the recipe's final result -- which the higher-ups at this particular company would be glad to hear, I am sure -- was not sexual harassment. Instead, the result was a case of an inappropriate PDA, or public display of affection. And while this display was not harassment in the legal sense, it was certainly harassment to all of us who had to see it.
The two perpetrators of this PDA were an employee of the office and his new girlfriend. They have not been dating very long -- a few weeks at the most -- and are apparently still in the rutting stage.
The party was at an upscale local restaurant, and everything seemed fine during the early period of the evening. After a while, we all sat down to dinner, and started eating. Well, that recipe of togetherness, freedom and booze apparently started hitting this young couple where it counts. And it was hard not to notice.
There were about 20 of us at the table when the PDA really started in earnest. The young couple got closer and closer together, until they reached the stage where they were basically sharing the same chair. At this point, people started to notice, and remarked in whispered tones amongst each other that the couple's behavior was starting to get a little inappropriate, especially considering the Big Boss From Out Of State was in attendance. But, apparently this couple did not care.
The cuddling moved to kissing. That kissing then appeared to change into mutual throat exams, with their respective tongues as the testing instruments. By this point, everyone was talking about the couple's behavior. Some people were just staring in shock.
(Note: I am not making any of this up.)
As if the tonguing exams weren't bad enough, the PDA got worse. Right in the middle of the restaurant, with co-workers, friends and family looking on, this young man and woman began what could be classified as a Serious Groping Exhibition. Her hands rubbed his chest. And then his hands rubbed her chest. Then her hands went lower.
The PDA was so blatant at this point, some others at the table had to restrain snorts of shocked laughter. Being a blatant wise-ass, I considered shouting, "Hey, no genital exploration at the table, please!" But I thought better of it.
The crowning moment was when the couple got up and left together. Everyone started talking about what they had just seen, and began speculating about where the couple went and what they were doing. About 15 minutes later, the couple returned, and seemed somewhat calmer. Thank goodness.
I swear that was the most inappropriate PDA that I have ever seen in my life. I am not the PDA type, but I can understand a little kissy-face in the mall or something. But full-on groping at a work function? In the middle of a nice, crowded restaurant? With the Big Boss there?
To anyone who would ever consider in engaging in such behavior, I offer this advice: DON'T. Nobody needs to see it; nobody wants to see it. While many people, I am sure, are thrilled that you are in "love" or whatever, do not physically manifest that love in front of us. We are trying to eat, for crying out loud. And if we want to see such behavior, we can watch "Mating Habits of Horny Primates" on the Discovery Channel. Got it?
And, by the way... no genital exploration at the table, please!
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who celebrates Christmas in more traditional ways, which have nothing to do with groping. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org