It's June 4, which means that Independence Day is only one month away. In honor of this momentous occasion, we present completely made-up letters from readers. Please, hold your applause to the end.
What's the dumbest thing that you've heard anybody say lately? -- Myrna Tinkletotter, Sparks
I am glad you asked that, Myrna, because I happen to have a true, not-made-up story to tell that perfectly fits your fake letter. What a coincidence!
I was having a delectable dinner at a Reno restaurant a couple weeks ago with two of my friends, Steve and Kendall. Steve -- who, it should be noted, is a prominent Reno citizen normally thought of as intelligent -- had just returned from a trip to Washington, D.C.
Ever since he had returned from seeing the White House while visiting our nation's capital, he'd had a question on his mind.
"Where, exactly" Steve queried, "is the West Wing?"
Kendall and I looked at each other in disbelief, thinking: "Did he just SAY THAT?!?" We then, acting like the dignified and proper citizens that we are, laughed so loudly that we were almost asked to leave the restaurant.
After we were able to breathe again, we calmly explained to Steve that the West Wing is located in the wing on the western side of the White House. Steve -- acting all offended that we were responding to his question as if it were the dumbest thing we had each heard in months -- clarified that there's an office building next to the White House that he thought could have been the West Wing of the White House.
We then kindly informed Steve that, no, that was not the West Wing of the White House, that the West Wing of the White House is actually part of the White House.
I doubt we'll ever be welcome in that restaurant again.
How's the weather down there in Las Vegas? -- Joe Tooter, Mogul
(Editor's Note: Jimmy had a paragraph here full of nothing but expletives, but we deleted it, out of good taste and civility. We have recommended that Jimmy get counseling for these snits that he has. Thank you. Happy Month-Before-Independence Day! :-])
You know what it is like to open the door in the morning to get your paper and have it ALREADY BE 85 DEGREES OUTSIDE?!? THAT IS WRONG AND UNACCEPTABLE AND SHOULD BE ABOLISHED SEEING AS IT IS NOT EVEN TECHNICALLY SUMMER YET.
And the allergies ... I have no idea what is in the air down here, but for the past few days, I have sounded like a one-man influenza/ebola ward. Never, in all my years of living in Reno, did I have allergies so bad that I was blowing out windows with my sneezes. But I am now.
If I ever hear anybody complain about the heat or the pollen counts in Reno again, I will poke them with a sharp stick. Either that, or I will just sneeze in front of them, turning them into a phlegm-coated projectile.
What kind of name is "Joe Tooter, " anyway? Goodness, Jimmy. -- Patty Poodlewanker, Fernley
It's the kind of name you come up with when you're whacked out on Sudafed and in the midst of a heinous allergy attack. And besides, I am sure that SOMEWHERE in this world there is really a person named JOE TOOTER, so there. Neener neener. (Editor's Note: He's having another snit. Just ignore him. Please forgive.)
While someone somewhere may really be named Joe Tooter, I am pretty confident that there's not someone named "Patty Poodlewanker." -- George W. Bush, West Wing of the White House, Washington, D.C.
And we can all thank our lucky stars for that, can't we?
Well, if you'll excuse me, I am getting ready to sneeze again, and I don't want to assuage my computer monitor any more than necessary. Thanks for reading, and happy sneezing! :-]
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who is absolutely in love with the word "snit" right now. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org. And if there really IS someone out there named "Patty Poodlewanker," we apologize profusely.