The day he died:

JOE

I remember where I was when I heard the Brian died distinctly. I was sitting in my dorm room, just chillin, when my mom called and told me that Brian had committed suicide. I was stunned, as I would guess everyone else who knew Brian was when they heard the terrible news. I thought about all the good times we had together, all the camping trips wed been on, all the trouble we'd gotten each other into. I felt that there was a giant hole inside me, I wondered what had made him feel that there was no hope left. I wondered how he had died, whether he had had any friends in his final days. Mostly I wondered if there was anything I could have done to prevent it. I knew a teacher in HS who had had Brian's new address, I kicked myself for not having pursued that, for not having written him a letter. I thought that maybe if he had heard from me, he wouldn't have killed himself. I wondered if he had left a note, why he had done what he did, I longed for some peek into his psyche in his final moments. I decided to write a poem about him, because I feel that poetry is an outlet for your feelings, a way to deal with some great turmoil in your life. In order for poetry to be good, it has to be written when your feelings are the most intense, to most adequately reflect and convey to the reader what you are going though. I still find it hard to read what I wrote on that day. I found myself depressed, especially since I couldn't make it to the funeral. I found out the day before the funeral was supposed to happen, and I was in Maryland. There was no way I could make it. I also got to thinking about reasons why Brian might have killed himself. I knew he was a smart guy, that he wouldn't have killed himself for no reason. Why would a seemingly healthy person decide to do such a thing? I figured it was that he had thought of something so depressing that someone who was already slightly mentally off balance, like Brian would be sucked down never to return. Frighteningly, I believe I discovered what would do that to someone like Brian. A normal person, when thinking about it, would dismiss it out of hand, and not realize the implications of it. Someone smart like Brian though, would realize the implications of it, and what it meant to him. I hesitate to say what it was that I discovered, so be warned before you read ahead, this is a supremely depressing thought. That thought its that Nothing ever happens again. I wont discuss the implications of that simple thought, but be careful how much you think about it. That is what I thought of and did the day Brian died.

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