"Three things have always inspired me: the ideal of Space Travel, the belief that our evolution, as human beings, has only just begun - that we can and indeed should evolve still further, in terms of our abilities and our consciousness - and a feeling concerning our being part of Nature. The first two are really part of one vision - the ideal of a Galactic Empire."
In many ways, my life has been a Faustian, or Promethean, quest - to discover, to know, to experience, the essence of life; to answer the fundamental questions about our existence, as human beings, and about the nature of the Cosmos itself. In the course of this quest, I have experienced many things - both light and dark, of sorrow, and joy, of violence, hatred, love - and from all these things I have slowly, very slowly, learnt, and changed myself, until, after nearly forty years, I have arrived where I am.
Thus it is that these notes represent signs, experiences - only signs, only experiences - along the way that led to such understanding.
A Return to the Beginning
The years since my reversion to Islam have been the most rewarding,
the most difficult, and the most perplexing of my life. In these nearly
nine years, it seems that I have learnt much - especially about myself,
and what is often called human nature. I have experienced - again - one
personal loss and then another, and then a great personal tragedy; I
have been in love, again, several times, and been loved; felt
happiness, joy, sorrow and - yes - felt remorse, doubt, and despair. I
have undertaken more travels (most to study and learn, but one to visit
my daughter, far away, who now has a family of her own); written many,
many
things - from poetry to articles in praise of Deen Al-Islam and of
Jihad, to essays concerning National-Socialism and what I called
The Numinous Way (of Folk Culture) with its ethics based upon empathy
and compassion, with such essays and items about NS and The Numinous
way being written to develope them so that co-operation, between
Muslims and others, against the tyrannical, ignoble, un-numinous and
mis-named "New World Order" might occur. Furthermore I have, yet again,
and possibly out of arrogance, but
often from what I believe to be a desire to do what is honourable,
tried
to inspire people through words and deeds. But, perhaps most of all, I
have thought, deeply, about life, my life, my experiences, my beliefs,
and come to know not only my own mistakes but also know - to feel - the
nobility that is Deen Al-Islam.
Thus, it is true to write and say that I learnt a great deal from my
involvement with Islam - about myself,
and the world. I
also came to appreciate, and know, how unethical, for instance, racism
was and is, and to know that Islam expresses, and has
expressed,
the Numen,
the sacred, in the modern world, just as for some people in the West
Christianity once did, and
occasionally still does - although the people in the West are
increasingly
losing the
sense of the Divine in their personal lives, and in their societies.
But was, and is, Islam the answer, for me, the world? I admit there was
a time - several times - when I began to doubt it was. Was Islam - for
me - just another naive following of an ideal? A desire, yet
again, to re-make the world somehow in an idealized and perhaps
unattainable way with all the suffering that such a striving for such
an ideal seems almost always to involve? That is, I came to consider,
and
strove to answer, ethical questions concerning the causes, and the
cessation of, suffering; and questions relating to ethics, to the very
meaning and purpose of life.
I remember, several decades ago now, my first wife saying before we married that she did not believe in God - except when she listened to some of the music of JS Bach. I loved her for that - for there, in such music, I sometimes felt an intimation of the Divine, an expression of the Numen sufficient to bring us, even if only for a moment, to the feeling of humility we surely need to keep us human, to prevent us from committing the dishonour of insolence, of hubris: that moral crime against reason which the governments of the West, their officials, representatives, and minions, have committed, and are increasingly committing, and which some of the peoples of the West themselves are also increasingly committing in their prejudice and arrogance and support of a new colonialism.
So it was that I found - and find - this
intimation of the Divine, in Islam - in the striving of the many
Muslims, world-wide, who saught and who seek to be
reasonable and honourable, and who sometimes succeed, bringing thus a
civilized way of life into this world, just as many people, of various
Ways and faith, and none, did and do, and just as some
people of the West did, and still perhaps do, despite the machinations
of their
governments, despite the loss of the Numen in the everyday life of
the peoples of the West, and despite the increasing dishonour and
hubris among the peoples of the West.
Furthermore, and on the personal level, some doubts arose because I
have for most of my life only ever felt a true
inner peace, a harmony, a oneness, when I am among Nature. I feel I
belong
among the open hills; by the rivers; in deserts; on mountains; in
the forests; on the open sea; in small fields, working with my
hands. In these and other such places I seem to have my being - having
always felt I do not belong in this modern world with its
destruction of night by electric light, with its cars and fast
transport; its noise, manic pace, intensive farming, consumer
ethos, material greed, cruelty to animals and humans in the name of
progress and its almost total lack of manners and courtesy.
What I find peaceful is Nature, as I have often felt that our very
humanity is defined by our
awareness of Nature with its slow, quiet, natural, rhythm which
modern life and living has almost totally destroyed. Thus, there was
for me - after my discovery of Islam - a joy in, as a Muslim, praying
daily according to the rhythm of the Sun, and in following a lunar
calender: an awareness of our connexion with Nature, the world, the
Cosmos, made real through Namaz: a realness which touched me very
deeply when as a Muslim I ventured on two occasions to travel alone in
the desert to feel, to know without words, how slim was the thread by
which I seemed to cling to life, and knowing, feeling, the nearness of
God, of Allah, and the simple beauty of The Message.
I had felt, known, something of this feeling before, in Taoism,
decades ago;
and during my time as a monk when, for instance, between
Matins and Lauds I would walk outside in the quietness, often the
darkness, feeling, feeling a beauty, a wordless ritual of joy
knowing the centuries for the imposters they were...
But were such intimations, such moments, enough? What was most
important - being-with Nature through a natural spontaneous way of
living, and thus wu-wei, or striving for a Way of Life even if, or
especially if, such a striving involved causing suffering and a
personal detachment from Nature?
A few years ago, and for many months, living alone, in rural
isolation, I once again
deeply pondered such questions, and many other questions, trying to
arrive
at some kind of synthesis, perhaps thus confusing some people about my
intentions and beliefs as I expressed or attempted to express some of
this synthesis, and my own thoughts and experiences through various
essays, poetry, and in some of the personal
letters I wrote to friends.
But were these doubts of mine - recurring over several years - just the inevitable doubts of faith that should - that must - be cast aside for the sake of loyalty and honour? To me, it seemed then as now that one of the main differences between monotheism (exemplified by Islam) and the way of Nature is that the way of Nature seeks to create a type of Paradise here on this Earth, believing that this Paradise exists in Nature, as Nature is - wild, isolated places where human beings are at best small communities of farmers or nomads, bound by a common cultural and folk ethos, and at worst travellers who are only passing through. In contrast, monotheism understands Paradise as existing in the life-after-death.
Furthermore, the way of Nature sees us as a part of Nature, dependent on it, whereas monotheism sees us as masters of Nature, with Nature existing to provide for us. To attain Paradise, through the way of Nature, we have to care for and protect Nature, and restrain our desire for more comfort, more material things. To attain Paradise, through the way of conventional religion, it seems we can use Nature - build and dwell in large cities; encourage industry and create a modern-type of developed nation with its large farms and meat-producing factories where the urban way of life dominates.
Where can I find peace? Where should I strive or rather hope to find
peace? In the Gardens of Paradise after my
death - or here, on this Earth, among the beauty of Nature? What, in
truth, is peace? Is our
mortal life a test given to us by the Supreme Being who can reward
us with eternal life and who gave us reason and free will to pass
this test? Or is our mortal life - our reason, our consciousness -
the product of evolution, with us as creations of, and dependent
upon, our mother, Nature? We seem to have struggled painfully
slowly over thousands of millennia to transcend our savage animal
past - and yet we are still half-savage; still prey to our savage
instincts which can overwhelm our reason, our judgement, our
fairness, our honour. I myself had struggled for decades through
and because of diverse experiences to a certain insight and
understanding - and yet, and yet...
"We shall try you in good and bad ordeals, and to the Unity you shall return." (21:35)
Conclusion:
So it was that I, beyond all my peregrinations and experiences -
beyond the recent and tragic death of a loved one - have, it seems,
come
to a place where, in moments and sometimes for longer periods, there is
a feeling of tranquillity born out of the simple submission implicit
in Kalimaah Tayyibah, in knowing and feeling the wisdom that one
needs guidelines and guidance; and that the Numen can be known, and has
been revealed. There is thus a quite simple knowing and understanding
of al-qada wa al-qadar just as there is a humility whose
genesis is Al-Islam. There is also a knowing, and understanding, of
dignity, arising as this does from a striving to follow such noble,
such honourable, guidelines as we have been given. A knowing and an
understanding of the need, sometimes, for silence.
"He who believes in Allah and the Last Day should either speak honourably or be silent." Muslim, Book 1, 75
Thus, I am
what I now am, beyond the words written, the words said; the many deeds
of
the past, and certainly beyond all the lies, rumours and misinformation
that have been spread about me over the decades by dishonourable people
and which some other dishonourable people believe.
As for my dream, my life-long vision, of a Galactic Empire - of the exploration and settlement of Outer Space - there was a time, not that long ago, when I came to the conclusion that we human beings were too ignoble, too barbaric, too uncivilized, to do this, and that, if we did undertake such adventures beyond the Earth, we would only be spreading dishonour: spreading our disease of hubris, spreading our destruction of the Numinous. But now - now as I veer toward the sixth decade of my life - I feel that we can avoid such things: that there is a cure for the disease of hubris and of dishonour, and that were we to be cured - and thus return to our natural fitrah - then we could and perhaps should so venture forth, under the banner of Deen Al-Islam."It did not concern you when you repeated that about which you had no [personal] knowledge, even though Allah regards this as a dishonourable thing." 24:15 Interpretation of Meaning
Abdul-Aziz ibn Myatt
(David Myatt)
27 Rabi Al-Awal 1428
(Revised Yaumul Ahad 3 Jumaada al-Awal 1428)