God's Total Quality Management (TQM) Questionnaire
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper __ Other Book __ Television __ Divine Inspiration __ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery __ Bible __ Other (specify): _____________ __ Torah
2. Which model God did you acquire?
__ Yoweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet __ Jehova __ Jesus __ Allah __ Satan __ God __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
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4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live __ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in who to despise __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself __ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Desperate need for certainty __ Wanted to piss off parents __ Needed a day away from work __ Fear of death __ Need to feel Morally Superior __ Like Organ Music __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Odin __ Cthulhu __ Zeus __ The Almighty Dollar __ Apollo __ Left Wing Liberalism __ Ra __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ The great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin __ The Sun __ Bill Clinton __ The Moon __ A burning cabbage __ The Bomb __ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology __ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Insurance policies __ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Self-help books __ Bill Clinton __ Biorythms __ EST __ Tea Leaves __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Mantras __ Human Sacrifice __ Crystals __ Wandering around a desert __ Pyramids __ Burning Shrubbery __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Other:_____________________ __ Barney Fife __ None __ Psychic Friends Network
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters
and miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water
(other than the Hudson) 1 2 3 4 5
talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs with self-setting clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
Cubs winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5
Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 5
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?
(Attach an additional sheet if necessary)
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Thank you