Sometimes, in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, playing literally thousands of games of Free Cell...there were moments when I longed for less debt, for the financial ability to retire...knowing with certainty that it would never be. However, some crisis would soon appear and push all of that "nonsense" into the background for a few more months. The battle(s) waged on...with no relief in sight.

It was May 2006 that I actually had my first crisis of faith...as to whether I could complete my "life sentence". Remember the moment like it was yesterday. It was during a volatile time in our lives...Julie had been diagnosed with colon cancer in March, had surgery, was pronounced "clear"...but was advised to seek out a local oncologist for follow-up. Through the intercession of former Superintendent Sam Harbin, Julie was approached with an early retirement package, which she accepted so that she could focus on health and some more adventures. Following the retirement luncheon, after I locked up Room 316 and took a couple of steps away from the door, I stopped, shook my head, and actually said out loud "I just don't know if I can keep doing this."

When you can't take pride in what you do for a living...for a vocation...the other distractions, personal and professional, can really grind you down.

That's one of the reasons I "jumped" at the Alternative Classroom position the following year. My self-evaluation of my most recent years of "teaching" was devastatingly harsh. Oh, I could sooth my conscience with a multitude of excuses - "circumstances beyond my control" - to rationalize my perceived failure. BUT...failure is STILL failure. So, here was a chance to escape the regular classroom...a change of pace. (Actually, the MAIN reason I claimed the job - after forcing the District to advertise the job - was to screw up the District's plans in the aftermath of releasing James Gibson. Hey, I did a class in Reconnecting Youth one year when the Board of Education was planning to offer the class to be taught by noncertified personnel for credit. What I won't do for the cause?!)

But, I digress...

Julie WANTED me to retire...spent most of her year in retirement trying to convince me to join her! (Well, Julie DID have a little fun with me on the first day of the 2006-07 school year. As I got off the computer after doing a CAT Tracks, I went into the bedroom to say goodbye and head off to school. Julie looked up, puzzled, and then exclaimed..."Oh, that's right, YOU have to go to work!") I kept to my mantra...yep...'til I drop!

People call me "old school". Hmmmm, I guess, actually, it's me who keeps calling me "old school", but only because it's true. However, it's also ingrained in my soul to be "old school" in my personal beliefs...such as the husband provides for the wife. Now don't get me wrong...I was NOT paternalistic, either in feelings or actions, toward Julie. (Of course, I would NOT be alive today if I had been. Just kidding, Julie...Honey, Sweetheart, Darling!)

I totally recognized that Julie contributed her fair share to the household income. Although, Julie would sometimes be apologetic that she did not provide an "equal" amount, I assured her (truthfully) that THAT was NOT an issue. Julie and I conducted our household as equals in all respects. BUT...I still worried. Mostly because of Julie's health problems, I believed that it was ultimately MY responsibility to insure that we had a roof over our heads and food on the table. Whether it was true or not, I convinced myself (martyr that I be) that we could NOT make ends meet if I retired on 75% of my income. So, I HAD to keep working...like it or not. There would be no retirement for me!

And then came August 2007, the diagnosis of probable colon cancer, September 2007, the confirmation of terminal colon cancer, and October 2007, the end of our life. In the middle of this nightmare, my previous reservations became moot.

With apologies to my friends and colleagues, whom I've mislead over the past months...my decision to retire was made without hesitation in September. I met with then Superintendent (and friend) Bill Rogers and told him that "I've done my last day at Cairo High". I told Bill that I was going to check with TRS and find out what timing for retirement would be best...immediate, 90 days, or end of year.

Bill was nice enough to put me in contact with TRS. It was quickly determined that since I had started a new school year, there would be a negative financial impact of approximately $350 a month...for the rest of my life. Since Julie and I still held out hope for some type of treatment and remission, a hope for more time together, I told Bill that I would use my sick days (supplemented by additional days that my many friends had already solicited and promised) to finish the year...that I would NOT be returning to my "teaching" position.

Never say never...

When Julie passed, I toyed for a couple of weeks with retiring immediately...damn the financial impact, it just didn't matter anymore! But, somehow, I convinced myself that Julie would not like that..."Don't cheat yourself out of that bonus you negotiated!" (Julie always accused me of negotiating for everybody but me.) So...I have forced myself to finish the year. I won't say that it's been the hardest thing I've ever done (there have been so many others), but without Julie as my focus, without Julie by my side...

So, dear friends...again, I apologize. I've known since September that this was my final year.

Why lie about it?

My closest friends know...a couple even told me as much this past week..."You don't want the hoopla!" And, they are right. Folks, I just can't deal with any more emotion.

Don't get me wrong...retiring from teaching does not bring one ounce of regret. If I were able to experience joy...this would do it. I'd set a new record in the vertical jump as I kicked my heels in glee. As I said above, I KNOW it's time, so don't get between me and the door.

However, a ceremony...is simply going to bring to the surface raw emotions that have not yet eased with time. While others focus on me, eager to share my "joy" of a rightful passage, my focus will stray to the "empty chair", the chair where my beloved should sit...a broad smile on her face, the sparkle in her eyes...beaming with pride. Trust my opinion on this, I could not keep it together...even to stand silently by, much less to "say a few words".

Many of you may be disappointed...having wanted to show me that you cared...as you did with Debbie and Dolores this year, Ledora and all the others before...

I've been witness to that also. (Hell, 39 years in the Cairo School District, I've been witness to just about everything!) Still remember early in my career, when the high school teachers planned a surprise going-away party for Kenny Bell. Well, Kenny walked into the party, took one look, and literally turned on his heel and left. I wasn't personally offended, but a few were, making snide remarks about how ungrateful he was...got angry with the person they had sought to honor. Folks, nobody knows what emotional baggage a person is carrying, what inner struggle they are waging. Sometimes we just have to accept that they know best.

So, I hope you will understand...

But, I disagree with your premise anyway!

You have already honored me, OFTEN, in every important way...

• All those CAT contract ratification meetings - with or without (especially without) strikes - where you lauded and applauded the CAT negotiating team, including yours truly. THAT was an honor!
• All those days, rain or shine, hot or cold, when you guys took to the picket lines...for days, weeks, MONTHS at a time, refusing to listen to the whispering campaign or the outright threats NOT to follow the CAT Officers. THAT was an honor!
• Going through HELL during the 2002 strike in which you lost 17 days of pay...THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS EACH...and never once complained against the officers that led you. THAT was an honor!
• When Julie retired, at her prompting, you gave ME a standing ovation...causing Superintendent Whitledge to comment that he had never introduced a person who had already been so honored. THAT was an honor!
• When Julie was laid to rest, much of the ceremony focused on ME or US. Afterward, I told several family members (not in a negative or morbid way) that I came away from the service feeling as if I had attended my own funeral. THAT was an honor!

So, folks, to use the cliche...we've "been there, done that". You owe me nothing more. I AM deeply appreciative...and humbled!

But, Ron...the retirement plaque!

No problemo!

Took the liberty of exercising my final "Presidential Privilege"...

Some of you may cast a final protest...but, Ron, we didn't get to write a poem about you, like we do for all the retiring teachers. Yeah, you did! You just forgot...

THANK YOU, one and all...for everything!

So, please allow me what I need most right now...privacy.

According to plan (I always have a plan!), I left today's luncheon, went to the Central Office, turned in my official retirement letter (typed a couple of weeks ago), and then went to visit the grave site of the person who made any of the good I may have accomplished in my life possible. As Julie honored me at her retirement, I would now ask each of you to join with me, according to your beliefs, and spend some time this afternoon and the days that come reflecting on a life that was and a legacy that continues...

Thank you, Julie!