A Man In The Making
The time had finally come. Here we were, waiting for the moment that will be such a moment of joy, and such a moment of sorrow. Today my little boy is going to grow up. Today, Christopher is going to start kindergarten. It's such a proud moment to think that he is on his way toward an education, starting down that road he will travel for the next 20 years or so. When this is all finished, when he has accumulated all his diplomas, he will be a man. Now he is just a boy. Just a boy who can't stop sucking on his fingers. Just a boy who still can't tie his own shoes, or won't eat broccoli. Why does he have to grow up so quickly?
"Christopher, do you have everything you need for school today?" I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.
His shining, dark black eyes looked up into mine. "Yes Mommy! I have everything you gave me in my backpack. Tissues, Crayolas, Dexter..."
"Dexter! What is Dexter doing in your backpack? You know that he doesn't like the dark. Why don't you take him out of there?" Somehow I had to think of a way to get Christopher to leave his stuffed monkey at home. It wouldn't do for him to show up to class the first day with a stuffed monkey. But it is his "security blanket" so he's not going to give it up easily.
"I don't want to drop him and get his fur all dirty, and he's scared of going new places, and if he can't see where he's going maybe he won't be so scared."
He gave me my chance. Now if I play my cards right, I can get him to leave it here. "But how do you think Dexter will feel when you get to school and take him out of your backpack? If he gets scared he won't have anywhere to hide but that dark backpack, and it probably scares him just as much to be in there. Why don't you leave him here and let Mommy look after him today?"
Christopher lowered his face toward the ground and began fidgeting with the zipper on his backpack. Several times he started to unzip the bag, but each time he stopped after only a few teeth had been separated. Then, with one rapid motion he threw open the backpack and pulled out Dexter.
"I love you very much Dexter, but today I have to go to school and be a big boy. Maybe it would be best if you stayed home and played with Mommy so that she doesn't get lonely." Christopher waited several quiet moments while Dexter gave his reply to him through hand and body movements, Christopher handed Dexter to me.
I hugged Dexter tight and said, "Thank you for staying with me today Dexter. I don't know what I'm going to do while Mommy's biggest boy is away at school."
The clock said it was time for Christopher to get outside for the bus to come. Luckily his stop was right across the street, so I could watch him from the privacy of my own home. In the past couple of years I've seen mothers who take their children to that bus stop and end up crying on the curb for half an hour after the bus leaves. I, at least, get a chance to have that moment in my own house, holding onto his favorite toy, left behind to keep me company.
"Ok, it's time for you to go out to the bus stop now. Make sure you look both ways before you cross the street. John should be there soon and he'll help you get on the bus and show you where to go when you get off. Behave yourself and have fun. I'll have a special treat for you when you get home."
I rezipped Christopher's backpack, walked him to the front door, and out onto the porch. "I'll be right here until the bus comes. I love you honey." I bent down pulling Christopher tightly to my chest. His little arms wrapped around me and tears started to run down my cheek. "I love you," I whispered again.
Christopher let me go and so I gave him a kiss on the forehead and watched him walk across the street. There went my little boy. Already I could see that he wasn't so little anymore. Already he was becoming a man. A man that would one day not need his Mommie anymore. A man that would leave home and only come back occasionally to visit.
I sat down on the porch swing and held Dexter tight to my body. He was still fluffy and huggable. Somehow he had survived the abuse Christopher had put him through. I wiped my cheeks, trying to keep the tears from wetting the fur that stuck up all over Dexter making him look like one of those agitation eraser heads.
I tried to look across the street, but all I could see where blobs. Some of the other children had started to join Christopher at the bus stop, placing their backpacks in a line on the curb and then getting ready to play some game. Blinking away a few tears I saw a couple of other mothers walking their children to the bus stop, trying not to look sad.
Betty, my next door neighbor, walked her son, John, to the curb and hugged him good-bye. After watching him cross the street, she joined me on the porch. "The first day of school is always rough. You'd think that since John is in third grade I'd be used to it by now..." She shook her head and let the words die away.
I offered her a seat and we sat in silence watching the game of tag the kids played until the bus came. Christopher and John got on the bus together and disappeared into one of the seats. As the bus pulled away I saw Christopher stick his head up and wave to me out the window. The smile on his face was so large. He was going to school like all the big kids did. I waved back and started crying even harder. There goes my little man. He was no longer a little kid. Today he crossed the threshold into manhood. He still had a long way to go before he grew up completely, but that time would come soon. It would come far too soon.
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