Tips on surviving a horror movie
1) When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if
it's really dead.
2)
If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a
church used for
black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide
or died in
some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices,
move away
immediately.
3) Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a
joke.
4) Do
not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.
5)
If your
children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not
know, or if they
speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will
save you a lot of
grief in the long run. Note: it's unlikely they'll die easy, so be
prepared.
6) When you
have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go it alone.
7) If the
gang plans a fun
midnight party in the town's old abandoned mansion, don't tag along.
Especially don't
tag along if everyone's going as couples, except you're the odd guy/gal
out. And if
you're the gang's jokester, you may as well write up your last will and
testament while
you're driving with them to the place.
8) As a general rule, don't solve
puzzles that open
portals to Hell.
9) Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or
anywhere near a grave,
tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead.
10) If you're
searching for
something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat,
leave the room
immediately if you value your life.
11) If appliances start operating by
themselves, move
out.
12) Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead.
13) Don't fool
with recombinant
DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
14) If
you're running
from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if
you are female. Also
note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling
along, it's still
moving fast enough to catch up with you.
15) If your companions suddenly
begin to
exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for
blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
16) Stay away
from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here:
Amityville, Elm
Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one),
the Bermuda
Triangle, or any small town in Maine or Massachusetts.
17) If your car
runs out of gas at
night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
18) Beware of
strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers,
electric
carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons,
band saws,
weed-whackers or any device made from deceased companions.
19) Listen
closely to
the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are
usually far more
intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
20) Never, never, NEVER try
to communicate
with something icky because "there's so much we can learn from them".
21) Don't make
fun of or play with dead things.
22) If you find a town which looks
deserted, it's probably
for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
23) If a meteor strikes
nearby, move out of
town.
24) When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you
try to start
your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to
crank the engine
over many times before it will fire up.
25) If you walk into the local
abandoned-looking
church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is
mounted upside down,
turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.
26) When you
happen to be
one of the fortunate ones and actually make it through the film alive,
never, NEVER sign
on to do a sequel. If you do, expect to depart this world in the first
five minutes.
27)
Never have sex in the bunkbeds of recently renovated summer camps.
28)
Strange
lights are seldom harbingers of joy.
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