• Your BMW stands out among the Toyotas and VWs at the Grand Coven.
• You have a three-piece ritual robe.
• Your ritual preparation includes stopping at the dry cleaner.
• The Priestess sends the ritual wine back to the cellar.
• You have considered calling the quarters by telephone.
• You purchase astrological charts for companies listed on the NASDAQ.
• You use an alphanumeric pager in circle to represent Air.
• You want to use the Weber Gas Grill as the ritual bonfire.
• You actually buy an Eostara bonnet each year.
• You ask your bank for a VISA Gold Card with Stonehenge depicted on its face.
• You try to break a $100 bill in the donation pot at a public circle.
• The ritual wine is more European than your tradition.
• Your ritual robe has no cord because you've gone cellular.
• Ritual is postponed due to a bad hairpiece day.
• You worry that you don't have a robe that goes well with bare feet.
• Jet-lag is a common excuse for being late to coven.
• Perrier is the only water you will tolerate in the West.
• You initiate your lawyer, insurance agent, and cardiologist just to be on the safe side.
• You have 150 channels available on your TV and are too cool to watch any of them.
• Ritual was canceled because the CD player is in the shop.
• You never do a healing ritual for your car.
• You have a cute little alligator sewn on the breast pocket of your ritual robe.
• Perfect love and perfect trust in your coven oath are annotated with footnotes and conditions.
• You have a notarized pre-handfasting agreement.
• Your first degree initiation had valet parking.
• Spilled wax really matters to you.
• You have a Ginsu athame.
• Cakes and wine for a dozen sets you back $139.
• Your coven is known in the community as "The Rich Corinthians."
• You view drawing-down as being the Account Executive to the Gods.
• You worry that it would be inappropriate to do Yule at your summer house.
• Not everyone gets to use the "good" chalice.
• Your ritual bath is a Jacuzzi.
• You don't do astral projection, frequent flyer miles are so much easier.
• The gardener spends more time in your outdoor temple than you do.
• Your familiar is rented.
• You stop at the 7-11 to pick up a half cord of firewood for the bonfire.
• You are offended by the "We are the old people..." chant ever since the facelift.
• You shopped for a ritual staff and came back with two MBAs and an administrative assistant.
• Five-fold kiss or not, the thought of lips on your Guccis turns you on.
• You would invite the coven to your new house but, well, they're just so messy.
• You have not read The Spiral Dance and are waiting for it to be made into a movie.
• You had a pocket added to your ritual robe for your cellular phone.
• You would go to Pagan festivals if they would just hold them at a nice resort.
• Invoking the spirit of fire is expressly forbidden by your townhouse covenants.
• You wouldn't use a script in ritual, that's what the laptop computer on the altar is for.
• If "In the cool of the evening, we used to gather..." makes you think of getting in a late 18 holes.
• Your ritual tools are itemized on your homeowners insurance.
• Your car payment is more than your priestess' monthly take home pay.
• You wear paste replicas of your ritual jewelry to rituals.
• After casting the circle you feel compelled to click that alarm thing on your keychain.
• You have a tattoo designed by Nybor and paid for the rights to the design.
• You have both the Jerry Garcia and Tim Leary hand painted collector's edition plates on your altar.
• The square footage of your ritual circle is a status thing.
• Great carpeting is next to godliness.
• It just doesn't seem right to call upon the spirits of water without a twist of lime.
• Your covenstead has gone condo.
• You seldom are asked to call North since everyone knows you just don't do dirt.
• You have to hurry the Yule ritual along, the plane for Aspen leaves in an hour.
• And most importantly... Merry Matters!

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