• If you think "widdershins" refers to the calves of the bereaved lady next door....
• If you think fetch deer is a command you give yer dawg....
• If you think a goblet is a young turkey....
• If you think Drawing Down the Moon means demolishing the outhouse....
• If you call your coven mates "Bud" and "Sis"....
• If you think a Great Rite is turning onto County Road 13....
• If your Quarter candles smell like kerosene or citronella....
• If you've reached the 3rd Degree, but not 3rd grade....
• If you pronounce "athame" as "athaym" and "Samhain" as "Sammon" or "Sam-hayn"....
• If you think a "Sidhe" is a girl....
• If your idea of the "Goddess" is the Coors Swedish Bikini Ski Team....
• If your Bard plays the banjo....
• If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more, plastic pink flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars....
• If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod....
• If your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle bigger than your head....
• If you call the quarter by invoking "Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob"....
• If you call the Gods by hollerin' "Hey y'all, watch me!"....
• If your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm equipemnt on the back....
• If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker....
• If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun....
• If your ritual garments include any one of the following: plaid flannels, long johns, a pistol belt, or cowboy boots....
• If you've ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff....
• If your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21....
• If the instructions to get to your Covenstead include the words "After you turn off the paved road"....
• If your altar-cloth is a Confederate flag or a Motel 6 towel....
• If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle....
• If your Eternal Flame just happens to be under a still....
• If you use an engine block for an altar....
• If your High Priestess is your cousin - as well as your wife....
• If, when drawing down the moon, you say, "Ya'll come on down, ya hear?"....
• If your pickup truck has an athame rack....
• If your crystal ball made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)....
• If your High Priestess has a spitoon on her altar....
• If you think a "family tradition" is a dating club....
• If you've reached the 3rd degree but not the 3rd grade....
• If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube top....
• If your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks"....
• If your Craft name includes "Bubba" or "Billy Joe Bob"....
• If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it....
• If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do"....
• If your coven chose it's High Priest at a belching contest....
• If they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt night....
• If your annointing oil smells like "Old Spice"....
• If you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg....
• If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom....
• If your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley....
• If you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu....
• If you have ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV....
• If your cakes and ale consist of moonpies and a cold "Bud"....
• If your coven sword says "Power Rangers" on it....
• If your Book Of Shadows has a picture of Kyle Petty or Dale Earnhart on it....
• If your divination kit consists of a picture of Dionne Warwick and a 1-900 number....
• If your idea of a pilgrimage to a sacred circle is going to the Indy 500....
• If your broom has 4-wheel drive....
• If your idea of a Pagan festival consists of a tailgate party and tickets to the superbowl....
• If your ceremonial chants are by Garth Brooks....
• If your coven's guided meditations start out with a burger at "Hooter's"....
• If you think a "Gerald Gardner" is farm equipment....
• If your circle dance include the words "dosey-do"....
• If you have ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess....
• If you have EVER worked love magick on livestock....AND FAILED....

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