The Ballad of Erwin the Mighty
Or, Which Erwin was That?, or, How Many of these Bloody Erwins are there Anyway ???

[Author's note: gentle reader, please accept my apologies for this piece of doggerel, which was a very irreverent description of the campaign to that date ... This piece must be dedicated to Damon, for giving us multiple Erwin's above and beyond the bounds of (our) sanity whose existence led directly to the following effort {grin} ]


 In days of old, when men were bold,
And girls were young and pretty,
Brave Erwin hell-rode in search of gold,
And lots of bum and titty.

He journeyed far in Shadows wide
His adventures they were mighty,
He vanquished foes on every side
For his sword was long and pointy.

One day his daddy summoned him
To the hallowed halls of Amber;
He found his siblings gathered in
The study, quiet and somber.

They had a serious job to do,
Their loving parent told 'em,
To save their primal realm from doom -
Or else he'd bloody kill 'em.

So the happy caring band set out
Brave Erwin at their head,
Some went by Julian's Forest route,
Erwin went by sea instead.

On Ehwaz's deck proud Erwin stood
His drumbeat firm and steady;
He knew he looked so cool and good
All the girls would just go giddy.

His happy band the sea-witch beat,
Then went a murder to avenge;
He bravely drew the rebels' fire,
And a bazookoid he scavenge'd.

His loving siblings rescued him
From a fate too foul to tell,
They brought his body, battered thin
To the tender hearth of Hel.

From Hel, to the feasting hall he came
Now whole, but pale and spent;
He drank and ate, replete with fame
Till the steading apart was rent.

Brave Erwin knew that things were tough
Things looked a bit forlorn;
So he cybered up his arm with stuff
- And the New Improved Erwin was born !

Things got a little sticky then
His sister, she got peeved.
"You're not my brother !" she yelled at him,
"All of us you have deceived !".

Our hero was a bit scared by this,
'Cos Papilia was looking cranky;
He zapped her arse and got away
('cos he knows all girlies like a bit of spanky).

Now, Erwin's quite a handsome dude,
A regular chick-magnet;
But he's kinda dumb, so he couldn't elude
His siblings' cunning dragnet.

He tried a bit to get away
He tried to win their favour,
But Papilia's Mighty Brain held sway
And the Erwin crack'd and quaver'd.

"I'm just a sorry clone" he whined
"A pawn of someone's making -
But I'll help you fight your foes", he said,
"If you'll let me be your slave-ling".

The Amber kids they thought it out
They talked and they debated;
They turned the offer inside out -
And then they got invaded.

These weirdo guys, they just appeared,
And caused some shadow mayhem;
But the Erwin stood forth unafeared
And said, "Can't we all be friends ?".

The weird guys saw the Erwin-clone
They quailed and cried out "Spare us !
We're not so bad, and we're all alone,
Far from the Courts of Chaos !".

All promised they would play no tricks,
Then great feasting there was had;
And tales of Dworkin's blue-haired chick,
Who gave birth to the Amber kids' Dad.

They talked of genealogy
Of begatting and begotting,
They learned they shared a family tree
.... then some more about begotting.

Then the Dylan guy piped up and said,
"You know, I'm quite a cutie.
But I'll show you a real nifty trick -
Just watch me grow some boobies !".

Then Dylan's manly body changed
And he turned into a girlie
His assets all were rearranged,
And the Erwin's eyes went whirly.

Dylan said "Begatting's lots of fun"
And spread herself on the table.
The Erwin choked upon a bun;
He feared he was not able.

Dylan spread her legs enticingly
And beckoned Erwin over;
His eyes bugged wide, he tried to flee -
Then he fainted and keeled over.

Our hero woke to eager hands
Caressing him with joy -
Hel's tender voice was proud as she announced:
"My love - we're having a boy !".

Brave Erwin rose to make a stand,
Though his heart did turn and pitch.
"I'll just go ask your father for your hand my love",
He said - and then ran like a bitch.

He fled to Monkey's magic realm
And threw an Erwin tantrum;
He killed Pigsy, Monkey and the horse as well,
Before Buddha's boulder flattened 'im.

Then Erwin's siblings bravely showed up
And rescued our brave hero.
Though slightly squashed and a bit KO'd
Erwin was still alive-O.

He rested safe again in Hel's fair arms
But while this Erwin healéd,
Another Erwin came to harm,
Its brain boiled and its body congealéd.

Then another Erwin reared its head
Out in the east, with Loki -
How many of these things were bred ?
It was getting beyond a jokey !

So what's an Amberite to do ?
Or those weirdo Chaos vermin ?
We're all afflicted with a Plague -
A hideous Plague of Erwins !
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