As I thought about this it seemed true that I often put off taking an action or making a decision about things which later did affect me. Sometimes I consciously decided to leave things alone, to go with the flow, but I began to see a distinction. Those times when I made an active decision not to act were taking responsibility and I was usually comfortable with the outcome, whatever it was, since I had decided to allow things to develop on their own. The times that caused me grief however, were generally when I put off a decision out of fear or stubbornness, or laziness or in the hope that someone else would take care of it. Hoping somehow that God or the universe or something would watch over things and ensure everything worked out. Sometimes they did, usually though, I now realized they did not.
As we discussed this the conversation began to crystallize around the reasons why people sometimes find it difficult to make a decision and move forward: . We are afraid that we won’t make the right choice and hope that someone or something else will know better than we do.
As a woman growing up in the thirties and forties, Sophie said she knew first hand what it felt like to assume that everyone else had the answers, to not be taught to trust her own abilities and judgment. But over time, she found that when she relaxed and simply made the best decision she could, things usually worked out all right.
"Don't struggle to make the perfect choice, in all but a few situations it's not that critical. If you don’t like the results you can simply make a another choice. We spend time consulting the authorities but ultimately, no one knows you or your specific situation better than you. Mothers have always known this. Even a new mother soon understands that she is infinitely more attuned to her baby’s moods and reactions than her doctor and will not hesitate to make a doctor look twice when she doesn’t feel that he is seeing what she knows is there. That is as it should be. We rely on others as authorities far too much. Use them as resources, respect their skill and knowledge but don’t give yourself over to them, releasing your power and responsibility into their hands. Even the best intentioned of doctors can be wrong or overworked or mistaken. Use their knowledge and then learn to trust your own intuition about what is best for you. Over a lifetime you will probably be right about the same percentage of times as the experts anyway. "
I noted that it seemed to me that we are often frozen in our attempt to make a decision by two widely held understandings:
1. That if I have all of the data available, I’ll make a better decision, so I had better wait until I have more
information, then things will become more certain.
2. There is one decision out there that is better than all of the others, and I only have one chance to make
it, so I better be very careful because if I miss the best decision, everything else from that point will be
second best.
According to Sophie, the bad news is that the first understanding is by and large, an accurate one.
"You will make a better decision with more information to base it on. Unfortunately, it’s not very often that a person has all of the information they need in order to make a decision with the sense of finality and certainty that we all assume comes with having made the best and most informed choice.
Life has a great deal of uncertainty built into it. We cannot always predict what the market will do, or what the public will like or how a person will act or whether we will still be happy in that house ten years from now. It’s good to make an informed decision and by all means do as much research as you can, but learn to avoid becoming a victim of the "paralysis of analysis". Sometimes you don't have everything you need or the time to research it out. If you can delay a decision , perhaps you should. But there will be those times when a decision must be made, cannot be put off, and you don't have time to get more facts. In those times, make the best decision you can and move on, accepting that it happens that way sometimes."
The good news is that the second understanding that holds us back is, by and large, inaccurate.
"This is an infinitely creative and expanding universe, with incredible variety and possibility. There is rarely a choice where you have only one good option which must be found. Looking back on my life I have found that there are always three or four variations inside of any decision, all of which can work equally well. Not get you the same results, but all filled with great potential. I heard it put this way once: Imagine if you were scheduled to fly to Florida tomorrow, but you overslept and missed your plane. Would you stay in bed, devastated because you had one chance to get there, one ticket all ready for you and now it’s gone forever? Or would you call up the airline and book another flight? True, you would get there at a different time, would sit next to different people in a different seat, but you would still find yourself in Florida. It can help you to accept responsibility to lay aside the pressure of having to do everything perfectly right the first time. We are so results oriented that we forget there is great value in the process of trying , that no one has ever lived who has made the right decision every time and you are not expected to be the exception to that. One advantage of being older is that you have many decisions and many mistakes to look back upon and can see that there are very few decisions which are irrecoverable. Relax a bit, everything has always worked out up till now and it will continue to do so. That’s not wishful thinking but the simple recognition that there is no one right way to experience your journey. If the train breaks down, get out and walk a while, enjoy the scenery, take that time to know someone you might not otherwise have had the time to meet. There is no one right way so any way is right, even the painful ways since they so often become more valuable to us further down the road.
Now, if you believe in destiny, in guiding providence then any decision that you make must work together to bring you further along the path that is meant for you. If you do not believe in anything of that sort, and feel that life is completely in your hands, then you can still understand that any decision you make is yours to continue with or to change and to learn from. In either case, you must retain responsibility to make the decision. And you know what? If you don't like the decision, change it. You have the ability and the option to make as many decisions in your life as you feel inclined to. "
After having this conversation with Sophie I began to be more aware of how often I looked to someone else to take the responsibility for events or decisions in my life, and aware too of that tendency in other individuals and groups. Most of us are quick to look for someone or something to abrogate our responsibility over to. We look to society or parents, bosses or companies or friends or government. But especially, we look to God.
"The wise man or woman understands their interdependence on each other, and the limits of their own abilities, seeking out help when necessary, moving comfortably inside of a fabric of mutual support and care. But often the child in us crosses it’s fingers and wishes on a star or offers a prayer and then waits for everything to work out. We should pray for help, expecting that God can and does actively care for our needs, but there is a childish understanding of God which expects to be sheltered, to be taken care of and to have all mistakes fixed by a kindly and benevolent overseer, while neglecting to understand that we have our part to play as well."
Before we left the diner that afternoon, Sophie told me this parable to illustrate:
"Once there were two men, both of whom loved God and were possessed of great faith towards him. There came a time when each in his turn decided to become a farmer and, after selling all they possessed, took the money and bought farms that bordered on each other. Now, the first man understood that all good things come from God. He knew that though he planted, it was God who sent the sunshine and the rain and who caused the increase. So each morning he would go out into his field and, lifting up his hands to heaven, would ask Gods blessing on his crop. Afterward he would return to his house and spend his day in reading and the study of the scriptures, for he was well aware that if he first sought out God’s kingdom then everything else would be added to him as well. The second man also understood that all things come from God, and so he likewise went out to his field each morning and asked God to bless his work and give him a bountiful harvest. He then would spend his day seeking out the advice of other farmers, and learning from their experience and whatever information he could find to study. He would return to his field and tend the ground, pulling weeds, thinning his rows and watching carefully the progress of his crops. When harvest time came, each man went to his field and took in his crop. The first man was disappointed at his small yield and wondered to himself if God had ignored his prayers, or wanted him to be a farmer at all. People, as they would pass by, noted the contrast of his harvest to his neighbors full yield and knowing them both to be men who put their trust in God, speculated on the faith that each man possessed. Only the wisest among them understood that both were men of strong faith and great love for God, but only one was a good farmer".
