The following is a limp adaptation of an ADVICE book written by author Gretel Killeen and published in the Australian Magazine in December 1997. I have reproduced the majority of her article for your amusement.

Music up and under........

No man is an island but lots of people are pigs. Avoid those who are selfish, stupid, greedy or conceited and then try not to get lonely. Do not confuse vanity with pride or self esteem. Do not be obsessed about your weight. If you really want to make your own bum look smaller, extend the crack with an eyebrow pencil.

Learn to spell and learn to count, but all the maths you need to know, you've probably learned by the age of seven. Do not waste time, do not stuff your bikini bra with anything soluble, do not volunteer as the target for brandings. Laugh. Join a club. Play a sport.

Love. Recognise when a relationship has turned to compromise and when foreplay is just stage one rapid eye movement.

Try hard to be optimistic, energetic, and ethusiastic: enthusiasm alone is not enough (a hard lesson whilst a teenager willing my breasts to grow). Do not wear long socks with sandals. Tell the school when your child has head lice. Empty your vacuum cleaner, wash your car, defrost your fridge, give your old clothes to the needy. Spring clean your acquaintances.

Be open and honest, do not be too proud. Listen. Understand when you are being boring. Learn from the experience of others, but never accept the advice of anyone who is either still wearing shoulder pads or likely to be dead before their advice is proved to be wrong. Remember, true wisdom only comes when your breasts are the past tense of pert.

Be generous, but do not try to impress. Be aware that the best thing to give someone who has everything is absolutely nothing. Do not be greedy, nor acquisitive, give to charity and file the receipt.

Avoid users. When the going gets tough the tough get going and the weak will bludge a lift. Do not sit on heaters. Avoid crossing your legs. Fight for yourself. Hug. Believe in something, but always check your change.

Work hard, play hard, live by sports-shoe slogans. Tell the truth whenever possible and always remember your lies. Try to start either a political movement or a religion which respects and worships bikini-line hair.

Check your oil, sing loudly in the car, speak in silly voices. Think before you talk.

Do not suffer in silence. Do not read your stars. Do not feel sad when you are not invited somewhere, have your own party, perhaps put cream on your feet. Take control. Compliment people, it puts them off their guard. Save time, judge books by their coves. Remember, there are video cameras in almost every lift.

Know your own power, do not snore during sex, do not confuse yourself with anyone from a Soapie. Be brave in love, career, friendship and facial electrolysis. Watch your diet and live by the moto "carpe diem".. a fish a day.

Make friends, socialise, have dinner parties. Speak when the footy is on. Try to find a partner who respects and adores you. And always remember you will never be number one in the life of a man who has a nickname for his willy.

Marry people who laugh at your jokes. Do not use spray deodorant with your mouth open. Wash up at the end of the meal, not at the end of the week. Hire a cleaner, but do not befriend him or her. Check the levels in your grog botttes and count your CD's. Remember, one day cellulite will be fashionable.

Do not envy the lives of others, and, remember, no matter how much you wish it to be true, attractive, intelligent, successful people are not neccessarily miserable.

Organise. Have goals and try to achieve them. Do not whip yourself. Plan to write a best selling autobiography when you're old, then claim your whole life as a tax deduction.

Sometimes life is hard, sometimes life's too easy. Life is a near-death experience.
The meaning of life is.....

(The above advice is soon to be released as a blockbuster CD, a major motion picture and possible lipstick range) :))))