1.

(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.

(2) Great generals are forewarned.

(3) Forewarned is forearmed.

(4) Four is an even number.

(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.

(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.

Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.

2.

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a

"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.

-- Mahatma Ghandi

3.

A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was

eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality

test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."

Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into

the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".

4.

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing

about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their

arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon

the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because

Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply

incredible surgical feat."

The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the

Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of

that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an

architect."

The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,

"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"

5.

A Law of Computer Programming:

Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you

will find the programmers cannot write in English.

6.

A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling

by Mark Twain

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped

to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer

be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained

would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2

might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the

same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with

"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.

Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear

with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12

or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.

Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi

ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz

ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.

Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud

hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

7.

 Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire

telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New

York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?

And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they

receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."

8.

 ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)

You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You

are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are

not very nice.

9.

 Arthur's Laws of Love:

(1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you

remind them of someone else.

(2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be

delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of

yourself in person.

10. 

As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would

interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the

Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure

out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on

Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual

organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result,

birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never

see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and

stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations

with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are

talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both

highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.

-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every

Teen Should Know"

11.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)

You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's

problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things

off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare

recipients are Cancer people.

12.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)

You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do

much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any

importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as

they take root and become trees.

13. 

Committee Rules:

(1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.

(2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this

stamps you as being wise.

(3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the

others.

(4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.

(5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you

popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.

14. 

DETERIORATA

Go placidly amid the noise and waste,

And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.

Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.

Rotate your tires.

Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,

And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.

Know what to kiss -- and when.

Remember that two wrongs never make a right,

But that three do.

Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".

Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,

And despite the changing fortunes of time,

There is always a big future in computer maintenance.

15.

F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!

16.

f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.

17.

f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

18.

For perfect happiness, remember two things:

(1) Be content with what you've got.

(2) Be sure you've got plenty.

19.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

20.

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:

THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present

information and prejudice from your minds, if you have

any ...

21. 

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?

A: I will be three months November 8th.

Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

22. 

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:

Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?

A: No.

Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?

A: Picking them up in the air.

Q: Where was the dog at this time?

A: Attached to the ears.

23.

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:

Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were

able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to

go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with

him to the station?

MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

24. 

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

25. 

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:

Q: What is your name?

A: Ernestine McDowell.

Q: And what is your marital status?

A: Fair.

26. 

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:

Q: What happened then?

A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify

me."

Q: Did he kill you?

A: No.

27. 

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)

You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you

because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much

for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for

committing incest.

28.

GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)

Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while

you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise

and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short

trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room.

29. 

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)

You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are

pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike

honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people

are thieves.

30.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)

Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.

Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because

you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of

fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got

a sick sense of humor.

31.

methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-

ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-

phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-

taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-

glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-

nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-

minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-

cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-

leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-

cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-

lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-

sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-

cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-

nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-

nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-

partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-

glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-

valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-

cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-

nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-

rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-

glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-

sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-

lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-

glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:

The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a

1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.

-- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and

32.

Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to

serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk

into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?"

"Never." "Then how do you know it was me?"

33.

receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's

income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than

$283 on the desk before the cashier.

"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That

route never brought in money like this! What happened?"

"Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured

business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and

worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"

33.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)

You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being

followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your

associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack

confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible

things to small animals.

34.

PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)

Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the

American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as

nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will

probably get run over by a bus.

35.

Rules:

(1) The boss is always right.

(2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.

36. 

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless

tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority

of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People

laugh at you a great deal.

37.

The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King

Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a

tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad

forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously

fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of

threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked

suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of

foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead

one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with

dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found

drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown

and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have

thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture

of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left

in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed

crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave

Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when

a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful

throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system.

-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"

38.

The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish

child, was propounded to me by my father:

"What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and

whistles?"

I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity

gave up.

"A herring," said my father.

"A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"

"So hang it there."

"But a herring isn't green!" I protested.

"Paint it."

"But a herring isn't wet."

"If its just painted its still wet."

"But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring

doesn't whistle!!"

"Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it

hard."

-- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"

39.

The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our

authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as

the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as

the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much

radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much

as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we

receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the

Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will

heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to

the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much

heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for

radiation, (__H/__E)^4 = 50, where __E is the absolute temperature of the

earth (-300K), gives __H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell

cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the

fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which

burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means

that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We

have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.

-- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972

| MAIN PAGE |