This is without question the world's greatest WWW advice page. Hand's down. Says who, you might ask? I say so, that's who. Who am I to say that? Hey - you're the one asking me for advice. I don't need your cynicism clouding this experience, OK?
Boy - some people.
Dear Rick: My kids are jerks. I mean JERKS!!! My daughter's 15 years old and all she does is eat and watch TV. My son (17) does nothing but watch Star Trek reruns and masturbate. I don't know what to do! I want to dump them in the gutter, but they're my flesh and blood. Pushed to the limit in Boston
Dear Pushed: Must be tough. I have teenagers too, and it's a bitch, ain't it? Close your eyes and think the following: RELIGIOUS FUNDAMENTALISM. Imagine it, Pushed: when they've been properly programmed, remind them of the sacrifice of Isaac: see the damage a father can do when pushed by the Lord? Wow. Works like a charm for me. Whenever a crisis comes, all I need to do is roll my eyes heavenward and say "well, Lord? Ready for that burnt offering?" MAN, do they step in line!
No, I don't believe in ANY of that stuff. We evolved; I live an amoral hedonistic life. I just want to get the brats out of the house so I can engage in unhindered debauchery. Getting THEM to believe in a jealous and vicious God gets me out the door earlier than I could've hoped.
Dear Rick: My husband is having an affair. I'm sure of this; I've found love notes hidden in his dresser and she e-mails him every day at home. He hasn't initiated sex with me for months, and he usually can't finish I get him going. What should I do? We've been together for 15 years and I still love him. Miserable in Utah
Dear Blue: Hate to shock you, babe, but it's a big world out there. It's full of people who are better looking than you, smarter than you, and better lovers than you. If you think THAT'S tough, try being an internet columnist. THAT'S tough. YOU'VE got it easy. All you need to do is dump him or get an affair of your own going. Awww - you don't believe in fooling around? Get a clue, dumbo: HE took the vows the same day you did, OK? HE'S lovin' life. The only thing stopping you is your own weaselhood. Wake up and join the living. It's 1998 for cryin' out loud.
An additional thought: You folks live in Utah and he's found someone to fool around with. That's impressive. In a Puritan state like that, you've got to admire his tenacity and perseverence. I takes a real man to make it there. You should be proud of him; obviously he's quite a guy. YES, ladies, I'd be proud of him if he were a woman too (jeez - feminists..).
Dear Rick: I'm 16 and I've got my first girlfriend. She's really beautiful and nice. She's been really pressuring me to have sex with her, but I don't know. I want to, but I'm scared. I don't want to disappoint her, and I want it to be special. She's my best friend, and I don't want to hurt our friendship with sex. Young and unsure in CA
Dear Young: I feel for you, Young. I understand kid, I really do. I was in your place once, and so have billions of people since the evolution of our species. It's really quite normal to be uncertain and confused at this time. Let me offer you a story that might straighten you out, OK? I have a friend just like you, who waited and waited for just the right time. He wanted his first time to be a beautiful experience with that special someone else. You know where this tortured soul is now, Young? He's 42 years old, and living in his mother's garage. He collects Star Trek books, and he's been to Klingon Language Camps every summer for the last 12 years. His idol is George Takei, OK? Take your pick, junior. Start living your life or start clearing some space for yourself in mommy's basement.
Oh - I love this statement: "she's my best friend, and I don't want to hurt our friendship with sex." Oh, you weren't joking? Then you need to ask your parents to move out from under that power line before the brain damage becomes permanent, kiddo.
Confidential to "Shrinky Dink" in Vermont: Look, dude: the only way you're gonna get it together is to come out of the closet. I'll take the initiative for you. Your name is Joe Michaels, and your address is 44372 Montpeil Lane in Burlington, Vermont. Hey girls - check this guy out! He's got a million hangups, and I guess he's got latent homosexual tendencies too. Please help him get off the fence! Help him out, cantcha? Let's set the record straight.
Got a problem? Need a friend? I'm here for you. I want to help. Write to me at rick.thorne@lmco.com.
