Whatever your problem, whatever your issue, there's a 12 step program for you. I'm not convinced, however, that these programs need to be different. Here's my one-stop, psych in a bottle, just add water, shrink-wrap 12 step program to cure you of all your personal hang-ups, be they obsessions, addictions, or other psychological problems.
Please do the following IN ORDER:
Confess to a higher power, then start drinking heavily.
Deny the higher power. Have another drink.
Go to your nearest fast food shack and binge. Don't stop until you're bazooka barfing.
Dedicate yourself to public service, then publically vandalize a civic monument.
Write beat poetry while hiding from the authorities in a dank basement.
Watch Gilligan's Island reruns until you've committed the entire series to memory.
Drink 25 cups of strong black coffee, then recite the Pledge of Allegance 400 times.
Pet a cat against the grain of its fur, go swimming right after eating, or do something else your mother told you not to do then call her and tell her you did it.
Smear your body and clothes with used motor oil (3000 miles or better) then go shopping at Victoria's Secret. Laugh when they ask you to leave.
Join your local militia and tell them you can't fight because you're a consciencious objector.
