The Bible Stories Thing
Since I have learned many spiritual things and grown in my faith while at Camp Michigamme, I thought I’d include some of the things I’ve learned about or from Bible stories. I was exposed to these things during devotions and chapel as both a camper and counselor, at Sunday School, during church, or by reading the Bible on my own.
If I had to pick a favorite Bible character (excluding the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) it would have to be Rachel. Not because she was particularly nice or heroic, because she was anything but those things. I like her because she did one very smart, awesome, hilarious thing. When her father, Laban, demanded to search Jacob’s group for charms he thought somebody stole, Jacob said that if he found anyone who had it, they would not live. Well, good old Rachel had stolen Laban’s things and stashed them under her skirt. When Laban came to search her tent she said she couldn’t get up because she was surfing the crimson wave.
What a great idea! That would never work these days though. I couldn’t even get out of Freshmen gym class when it was my time of the month, but Rachel got out of an execution. You’ve gotta respect a woman who did that.
Their whole family was full of characters. Esau, what was up with that guy? "Duh, I’ll sell my birthright for a bowl of soup. Sounds like a fair deal to me." Can you say, "Stupid is as stupid does"? Esau reminds me of the reoccurring stereotypical dumb jock character they have on Saved By The Bell. I bet if Esau wanted he could go on an excellent adventure with Bill and Ted and fit in just fine. When he was little I bet his older cousins played the, "I’ll trade you two nickels for a dollar" trick on him all the time.
And Joseph and his coat of many colors. Boy did he brag about that thing, and were his brothers jealous! Come on, guys, it’s a coat. Get mad when Dad gives him a credit card or the keys to the family car. Don’t flip out over a stupid coat, and don’t sell him to the Egyptians. Jacob, Rachel, Leah, and their children could never be on a 60’s family sitcom. The Brady Bunch they weren’t:
Ruben: Mom, I want to move to the gray tent. There just isn’t enough room having to share with eleven brothers. I’m going to be a senior. I need my own pad.
Leah: Okay, Ruben. You may have the gray tent.
Reuben: Groovy! Far out, Mom! Thanks.
Joseph: Wait a minute. I want the gray tent.
Reuben: But I’m the oldest.
Joseph: So what you square? I want the gray tent. Dad, I want to move into the gray tent, but Reuben says he gets it for his room.
Jacob: Sorry, Reuben, Joseph gets the tent.
Reuben: But, Dad!
Jacob: It’s Joseph’s.
Judah: Joseph, Joseph, Joseph! Why is it always Joseph?
Where are all the R rated Bible videos? I know there has to be a David and Bathsheba cartoon somewhere. Maybe in the very back room of Hope House. You have to be eighteen to get it. Twenty-one if you want the special 3D glasses that come with it.
"I’d like to rent the David and Bathsheba cartoon, please?"
"How old are you?"
"Um, eighteen."
"Let’s see some I.D. Hey, this is fake! Get out of here or I’ll call the police!"
"I just wanted to rent a Bible video."
Seriously, where are the R rated Bible cartoons? We always see the nice John the Baptist video where he baptizes Jesus, but where is the Salome cartoon? I’d like to see that on the Catholic church channel. Forget Gerbert and those Spanish Christopher Colombus cartoons. Where is the other John the (Headless) Baptist cartoon? I’ve never seen a decapitated cartoon character before.
Adam and Eve must have been the first boneheads on earth. If they had America’s Funniest Home Videos back then, I’m sure they would have ended up on it. First of all, if a snake is talking to you, wouldn’t you maybe realize that something fishy is going on? I wouldn’t do what a snake told me. I’d get the heck out of there and call the animal catcher.
"Hello? Garden of Eden animal patrol. How may I help you?"
"There’s a snake talking to me."
"A talking snake? What do you take me for, lady, a fool? There ain’t no such thing as a talking snake."
"I’m telling you, it’s talking to me. It keeps telling me to eat the forbidden fruit."
"Snakes don’t talk."
"I know they don’t, but this one does. Really. I’m not making this up."
"Look, lady, I ain’t no fool. Snakes don’t talk. You need to see a shrink."
Click.
And then she’d have to go on Oprah or something.
But seriously, how could a person disobey God for a piece of fruit? I mean, come on, it’s a piece of fruit for goodness sake. I’d never be tempted by a piece of fruit. Maybe a Perkins cheesecake, but definitely not a piece of fruit.
The Bible says that Adam named all the animals. If I had that job, I would have screwed it up. I would have called cats dogs and dogs cats and named an elephant a diddleydoo and a monkey a doohickey.
I don’t think I would have named the giraffe anything at all. Giraffes are so funny looking. What was God thinking when He created them? Maybe it was a joke. Maybe He threw a whole bunch of leftover parts into a pot and the giraffe is what came out of it. Maybe He was studying abstract art at the time. I wonder what He thinks now. If I was God’s mother I would not put the first giraffe on the refrigerator.
What about David? King Saul wanted to kill him, so his wife stuffed his bed so it looked like he was sleeping. Then David could go out and have fun thinking Saul would be none the wiser.
Do you know what this is the plot to? Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. You know, that 80’s movie with Matthew Brodereck and Mia Sara and the weird tourist from Speed ? Ferris fixed up a fake body and stuck it in his bed so when his parents and the principal checked on him it looked like he was sick. Then he got his girlfriend out of class, called up his worrywart best friend, and had a great day on the town.
The devil, now he’s some kind of doofus, don’t you agree? What did he think he would accomplish by trying to defeat God and take over heaven? Why would anyone try to take over heaven? Wasn’t Satan having a good enough time? Wasn’t heaven cool enough for him? It’s supposed to be the most amazing place ever. What did he think he could get that was better? The Batman ride from Great America? I mean, who is in hell for the devil to hang out with? Jeffrey Dalmer? Hitler? The guy who killed Tupak? What kind of fun can those guys possibly have?
"Truth or Dare, Adolph?"
"Truth."
"What is the worst thing you’ve ever done?"
"Killed a bunch of people and tried to take over the world."
"What an exciting game! I never would have known that if we hadn’t played Truth or Dare."
"Truth or dare, Jeffrey?"
"Dare."
"I dare you to eat someone."
"Okay!"
Is this what they do at sleepovers? Why would anybody in their right mind want to hang out with the devil? I bet it’s hard to get a pizza delivered down there.
Why isn’t the book of Samuel called the book of David? It’s all about David. Sure, it starts out about Samuel, but half way through it he dies. Then someone had the great idea to make Second Samuel. Why? You wouldn’t kill off Sylvester Stallone’s character and make another movie called Rocky VI. It tricks you. You’re like, Wow! Two whole books about Samuel! And then he’s a supporting character. It’s like finding out Alec Guinness dies during the first half of Star Wars.
I wonder what Noah would think about the Noah’s Ark water park in the Wisconsin Dells. I wonder if he’d pay twenty bucks for a plastic wrist band that let him slide down a yellow piece of bumpy plastic on his stomach. I don’t know the guy personally, but I’m betting he wouldn’t. You know what would be funny? If it started raining at Noah’s Ark. Everyone would be like, "Oh no! It’s raining. Well, we just have to go home now." It’s like, you’re wet already, guys, and where do you think this idea came from in the first place?