One of the problems I have is with the word "cute". I can use that word, but only in one way. To refer to chicks. "Cute chick!!" Something like that. Babies, panda bears, beanie babies, weddings, all sorts of cute things. Whenever I say anything like that, I feel like a fag. Not gay, not homosexual, not queer, not a girl, not a loser. I feel like a fag. Funny word, that. The Brits use it to mean cigarettes. But that's another topic for another day. Anyways, yeah. It doesn't really have anything to do with how other people see me. Although, I do feel like a bigger fag if other people are there, particularly guys. But even alone, if I think to myself, awww, so cute. FAG. I half admire guys who can say such things without a second thought. The other half of me (the half not ruled by reason, but by....something else) thinks that they are fags. Something similar happens with the word sweet. Although it can be used in more contexts than just chicks. Sugar can also be sweet. Or just as an exclamation. Sweet! But never awww, so sweet. It's not as bad as cute, but definitely not in the everyday speech repertoire. I resent being restricted like ths. Even though the restrictions are largely internal. I resent society for building these restrictions into me and most other straight guys around. I resent being unable to express pleasure in anything but the gruffest manner. It's gotten to the point where I sometimes feel like an idiot when I smile at something cute or sweet. I think that I'm an idiot for feeling like an idiot.

The use of the word "cool" has supplanted everything pleasureable. Aww, look at that baby! Cool. Look at that pussycat. Cool. Look at that motorcycle. Cool. Did you ever see that commercial against drunk driving where that big rig hits a car? Really cool. Aww, he bought her a diamond ring. Asshole. Did someone say pussy...cat? Uh oh. Getting off topic.

It's a well known fact that all guys restrain their tears as much as possible, in order not to seem unmanly. This unmanly business.....what rubbish. A language where a grunt is worth a thousand womanwords? Well, maybe there's something to be said for that. But in general....macho image sucks. Yet it's a self perpetuating thing. No guy will ever admit that yeah, macho sucks, becaues then he won't be macho! He'll be Will from Will and Grace or something. And girls, I don't know what the real ideal guy is like, but there's definitely a "too sensitive" thing going on, where machoism is encouraged. Don't deny it. On the other hand, some sensitivity is encouraged by some. So that's not bad. Um.....most girls, as I understand it, aren't interested in someone who isn't fully capable all of the time. Guys have to be strong. Maybe I watch too many movies. You ever seen the movie Three to Tango? Matthew Perry becomes known as a homosexual (which he isn't) and all the girls love him. They become his best friends. But only because he's gay. Any girls out there, who go to gay bars? The Odyssey I guess is the big one in Vancouver. I don't know where I'm going with this. I believe I'm getting off topic again.

Back to the topic. Girls have a lot more freedom to express their emotions (correct me if I'm wrong). This sucks. There is nothing I can do about it. Is there? I can change so that I'll have personal freedom, but I can't do anything about having societal freedom. If you know something I don't know, please let me know. Cheers.