i wanted to start something...
but things always do a good job of distracting me..
people and their whims
seem to have more sway than mine.
but tonight i lost a game
again.  that's only because i've been too tired to play them lately
but i wasn't hurt by the defeat: just tired.  so came back...
forced to drive a car and left off at this same apartment building: got the least amount ov pleasure out ov everything and ended up on the bottom floor. 
walked in to my roommate's leaving music.  closed the door behind me, back out into the courtyard... around a side and up the stairs to check an empty mail box.
insert key expect nothing, recieve nothing. 
the bald man, who i haven't yet had occasion to talk with, was there by the front door again. under the gaurd-lights watching his dog shit...
get more relief than most of us from something like that: those things are always happy.
but now he looked up at me as i put the key in the lock.. as i opened the door and had to pull my eyes away to see the box,
which was hardly as captivating. 
looked back up and he still stared at me. i don't know how i've changed.  i waved and walked back down the stairs towards my door...
very slowly,
noting the bending of my shoes and the sound it made on the concrete,
felt like i was in school or some of the other dreaded institutions i end up in.
  but wanted to talk with him;
would rather not just walk back into the room and fall asleep like i'd said.
i turned
and walked back,
turned
and walked back again:
working on tack. 
went through the pool's area. jumped the wall:
the man was gone.
as is their wont...
so i went out side and walked round back...
my body shook from the cold and i felt my head closing in again... felt my sleep deciding for me. and came back in to follow the stairs up around one corner and round the building's inside...
looking in each window as i walked passed, gradually walking towards the top floor... towards the rooftops... seeing slits of life from inside:
people tired at the end of another empty day... watching television again, dirty underwear and worn-out expressions as the only possesions left for them. 
-the man who walked above us every night, the man who screamed out at us at night.
the boy who took my quarters.
the two guys i always hear from my side-walk drifting down from the window... i looked at them and they felt accused; i felt awkward.  passed in the hall with a bit of a nod and mumbled words: at least they were walking out together. i didn't have that luxury... or dependance. 
i kept moving past them and nodded to the boy who took my quarters again... passed him for the stairwell and jumped the wall onto the roof: listening to my shoes on the grainy surface...
listening for the cracking sound the people would here like they had people above them with no courtesies what so ever..
i'd have no dates tonight
but tomorrow. 
didn't see anyone, just a million dimly-lit windows
in rapid succession
back to the ground floor,
back to my empty room with its lights off.
back to the man above me,
back to the bald man i couldn't see.
i've got that horrible feeling.










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