If I were a man
I'd have a big dick
I mean a real handful
not freak show or anything
but a tool with some heft to it
I'd have the kind of dick
that inspires covert double takes
in public urinals
yes, mine would be an impressive organ
I'd have to mail order condoms
to insure a fit that didn't impede my circulation
small women might feel a slight clutch of fear
at first sight
but I'd be gentle.

Mine would be a regal and handsome dick
dangling or erect, it would be perfectly plumb
not bent or veering off at some peculiar angle
as if trying escape its God given role in life
it would hang like a masterpiece in the Louvre
a veritable cock of the gods
Zeus or Thor would be proud to sport this rocket
while a mortal man bearing such a dick
walks thorough the world with a
cock-suredness that other
men can only envy.

No one could ever be fool enough to call Big John here a weenie.
At rest he is a meaty sausage
all latent power
perpetually poised to spring into action
at the merest whisper of provocation
once engaged, some caution must be exercised
if, in my zeal, I slip out and miss on reentry Well, I'm in deep shit.

So how do I know I'd have a big dick?
because I'm an American, damnit!
male or female, I was born macho
outfitted with a certain confidence
a swagger even
an attitude
that befits a man with a well hung slab o ham.
I said I'm an American!
It's my birthright
I'm entitled to look down and gaze upon
the finest lovebone this side of homo erectus
that's right, I damn well deserve
the endowment of a quintessential American dick
a strong, silent
riding the range
slide into town take no prisoners and slide on out
kind of dick
a Colt 45 shotgun M-16 howitzer MX missile of a dick
a grunting, thrusting, strutting, rutting creature
that's built to take the heat and do some damage
I'm talking about a dick that means business
a laissez faire, world's policeman, corporate takeover
in the guise of a one-eyed fleshy barbarian
my fellow Americans
our national dick is on a mission from God!
World domination
one inch at a time.

Who could resist such a rousing destiny?
No contest, baby
If I was a a man
I'd have me a big
ole
American
dick