MY Dear Maxine,

     Sometimes you just don't know where to *in media res*...

     "I am that I am" was not stated by Popeye but somebody allegedly 
"heavenly" in Genesis of the Old Testament (the one with the tales 
handed down, parent to child, orally as wisdom of the ancients...)

     Okay.  Today in the "S.F. Chronicle," B-3, we have a new novelist 
named Tom Lowe, a former politico to "Daddy Had Oilbucks" Huffington. 
Ready?...His persona observes: "I understood how to play the game.  
That's why I now lived my life as an Alpha male.  I ate Alpha 
food--filet mignon.  I drove an Alpha male car--the Hummer.  I had an 
Alpha male physique--muscular and athletic.  Whenever I had time to 
think over decisions in my life , I always asked myself: What would an 
Alpha male do?"

     So, perusing the checklist, I compared (made necessary, I suppose, 
by the astounding number of miscreants who've successfully palmed 
oneself off as "me and mine own," as I'm fond of saying; of course, as 
well, I've been most painfully aware of how "[I'm] a real nowhere man," 
the most difficult "body blows" being how efficiently I've been replaced 
in the minds of those who've mattered *most* to me--yourself especially, 
going back at least nine years, when I psychically *heard* your sorrows 
and vowed to save you, as has been, in my most free and open honest 
mind, my sacredly bestowed duty from day one...):

First one, about "Alpha food," I thought, Well, at least I love filet 
mignon and would order it without hesitation if I could...even though 
I'm forced to consume schlop that even dogs, nuzzling up to me, have 
sniffed at (once I've shared) and then looked at me head-kind-of-cocked 
funny, like, "Rudra, we thought we knew ya..."; well, at least the whole 
matter is not by choice--or, as I sit "sad and distempered" waiting for 
some "lowest common denominator's revenge" to vacate my swelled bowels, 
at least not by the design of Heaven, where the *real* Alpha males one 
day will reside...

Next one required the same fancy "rationalization" footwork...a 
Hummer...hmmnnn...Ah! that friend of Paddy's! He's got one that he takes 
Paddy and Terence around in--for spins on the U.C. campus, etc....

Another "close enough"...

A bit more encouraged I come to the next one, "physique." Again, a bit 
of hesitation, as these infernal viruses, like Heracle's poisoned cloak, 
have eaten up what seems to me too much of my valuable energy...(Think 
last days of Bruce Lee, when despite the 4-pound loss of weight he began 
looking like a "concentration camp victim")...But, my old teacher, Dr. 
Al Kyte, says, Not to worry, son--"you have an amazing genetic structure 
and the impact on you due to your years of a top conditioning 
regimen--fortitude, discipline, endurance-- will be minimal" (a "made up 
quote" of which I'm rumoured to be fond--see today's "S.F. Comix"...).  
So, as I'm still doing a bit of a *kata* stretching and loosening from 
time to time--with my kicks on "ballet" for the graceful "Wu Shu" like 
leaps and soft, as if on a lotus blossom, landings, I said to myself, No 
"old fool," still Not Bad...

Just when I thought I had it made, however, we come to the last item: 
decisions...(I'm rather good at making them instantaneously, so I was 
misled into thinking, Piece of cake...)...Whoops! He's got:"You have to 
ask yourself, What would an Alpha male do?"...

Bombed out right when I was ready to put it on "auto-pilot" and glide 
into some sweet hanger of a landing...

     Do you think maybe someday I can get you to let me persuade you to 
make love to you anyway? (I'm not joking)  With all due respect to your 
husband ("famous last words" that I swear to God I used as a courtesy to 
make that psycho Ick-ah Dah-link feel better and get her to leave my 
cute "hard-bodied blonde" acting partner alone--we were having such 
"delicious" conversations until she "splutter-asped" into rage, as 
"others" too familiar to each of us have demonstrated "habits" of doing 
to passive-aggressive "the agenda" along, by "any manipulation 
necessary")...

<MIDI MUSIC>Slowhand's guitar and: I've "had enough" of *another's* "bad 
love," (my take on the Eric Clapton song)</MIDI MUSIC>

And yes I  would truly die--most contented--for the opportunity to 
follow up on your sparkling eyes' invitation to "be alone, just you and 
me" without feeling that I'm somehow going to set off WW III--with "body 
counts" et al... 

    And, too,   given the difficulties of you being on the "inside" of 
the proverbial wall, and me on the "outside," well, from that clear calm 
of long ago I swear to God I still know how to calm those waters...

      I don't "play," I don't "tug on heartstrings" for "sport," and, as 
your colleague Elaine Kim (recently honored, I noted, with satisfaction) 
or Marilyn Chin most likely could tell you, the perhaps too "solemn" 
demeanor that comes over me upon sighting you is meant as ultimate 
respect..."24/7" as the "insider" lingo goes...

       I vow to write you more--with my wish that no matter how my life 
keeps being decided by others in these *necessary evil* days, I will 
never lose contact with you...

      I was going to add something about your "sexy" eyes--especially 
onstage at the "Wise Women Working," when your way of crossing and 
uncrossing your leather-booted legs was most "sophisticated," but, I 
found myself, instead, thinking "my mistress is nothing like..."

forgive me if my honest feelings have been too forthright,
tom

P.S.  I've not forgotten all the incredible work you've attempted on my 
behalf and not for one second have I ever taken the matter for 
granted...

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