"Forgive me, father ... I am a worm!"
Isn't it wonderful to know that science is steadily advancing?
Now we have research from teams of British and American scientists which tells us that men live longer if they stop their relentless pursuit of sex.
Well ... DUH!
A Philadephia Daily News story by Myung Oak Kim, reprinted in the Houston paper last week, tells of researchers in Britain and America who have determined that raging male hormones are to blame for mens' typically shorter lifespan — based in part on studies of nematode worms.
Hmm ... I've had women call me "spineless" before, but ain't we stretching matters just a bit here?
Researchers at Temple University say the female hormone estrogen provides protection from such things as heart disease, bone loss and Alzheimer's disease, while the male hormone testosterone promotes such things and could also promote prostate cancer.
That's kind of scary — but I'll hold off on the sex-change just yet, if y'all don't mind.
Geneticist David Gems of University College London came up with the idea that men's zest for sex shortens their lifespans. His research says that male worms dramatically increase their lifespan when isolated — roughly twofold. He bolstered his theory with a 1969 study of human eunuchs, who showed a median lifespan of 13.5 years longer than "intact males."
Gems says that men are "programmed" to live longer than women, but don't because of their relentless pursuit of sex. Males die at a much higher rate because they put so much effort into defending their territory and competing for mates.
Now, that's where I really have to shake my head and frown. I've never put that much effort into defending my territory, which I figure includes most of Greater Houston and parts of western Louisiana.
And I think we men have progressed significantly along the civilization scale as far as "competing" goes; heck, any more, I don't even fight to the death over blondes and brunettes, only redheads.
A Pennsylvania study, meanwhile, suggests that men get stupid a whole lot faster than women, their brains shrinking three times faster than women's because of a lack of blood flow to the brain.
I can hear the feminists cackling over that little tidbit; some really good comeback lines spring to mind, but I keep forgetting them.
Anyway, Kim's story concludes with a couple of brilliant observations. One biologist said that comparing humans and worms is kind of silly because of the vast differences between them.
Kim's concluding paragraph states: "Even if it was proven that men could live longer than women if they castrated themselves, most men probably wouldn't embrace the life of a eunuch."
Again, a hearty: "DUH!"
Let's wriggle on while we can,
guys.