May 21, 1997
Have you ever noticed how some people always have this great big grin on their face?
Doesn't it, like, make you want to snarl at them?
Sure, there are a lot of old saws out there about smiling. Smile, and the whole world smiles with you. Grin and bear it. Put on a happy face. A smile is infectuous.
There's a lot to be said for grins, because they really are a positive thing. I just think there should be some kind of limitations on when people are allowed to smile, is all.
Let's face it: the way some people smile can be disconcerting.
As an example, there's a certain drive-through restaurant just down the street from us, and this perky young lady that takes the money at the first window. I have never seen her without a smile on her face, and it's unnerving.
Now, it's not so much the fact that she's cheerful; I kinda think it's nice to see someone working at a fast-food place who IS cheerful these days. It's just the grin the girl has ... well, it's almost like she KNOWS something, y'know?
Every time I drive up to hand her my money, she flashes me that grin like she's been listening to my Momma telling all my most embarassing baby stories again.
I can just see myself driving through that line one day and her winking and saying, "That'll be four twenty-nine, sir, and you'll probably want to wear those diapers next time you go climbing trees, huh?"
There are a lot of other situations when smiles make you nervous.
And there ain't no two ways about it, certain things you have to buy should be met at the check-out stand by grim, unsmiling faces and curt nods. When I'm buying something like diahhrea medicine, that last thing I want to hear is, "...And you have a nice day, now!"
Have you ever noticed how everybody in the dentist's office, except you, are smiling? One of the reasons I really enjoyed my time in the service is because nobody in the dentist's offices at the Navy clinics ever smiled, like they were in sympathy with the pain I was about to endure.
Guys will, I believe, agree with the following non-smile scenario: You're getting ready for the Big Evening Out, she's in the bathroom finishing up, and you hear a shriek. You are ordered to run to the store immediately to pick up that One Thing She Forgot, without which she will never leave that bathroom.
There is no comfortable way to be a man going up to the checkout stand at the drug store with liquid makeup, nail polish and panty hose in the little plastic shopping carton. You know the minute the door closes behind you, that clerk is going to be rolling in the floor.
I'm not entirely negative about smiles, though. There's this one cute teller at the bank who flashes a grin every time I drive up to cash a check. (Writing columns can be fun; you get to flirt in print.)
Drawback to that is, I've been
cashing waaaaaaay too many checks lately.