The Barbarian Horde, Russell Crowe's legion of fans, followers, and psychophants - er, sycophants - has become so divided on a recent issue involving The Man's personal life, that it has reached a crisis point [time for that disclaimer again]. Where once the Harem was one happy Russell Crowe-lovin' family of like-minded women united in lust and devoted to our leader, there now exists a handful of fractured groups hostile to one another, groups varying wildly in opinion about whether or not…the Horde should have an opinion about The Crowe's private life.

No, it isn't really about Meg Ryan. Well, okay, it is… the rift in the Horde is sharply drawn between those who hate her, and those who are apathetic (there are a handful of Barbarians who actually like her, but they've been isolated to a cave in Siberia once inhabited by a leper colony). Lest you think that jealousy has fueled the dissension, calm down and have a listen. During that short period when Jodie Foster's name was on the lips of all Barbarians, no one gasped or cried foul or even for a moment thought of jumping ship. We took the Erica Baxter rumors and photos with dignified stoicism (well...okay, our claws were out a little because she was so... young - most Barbarians are over the age of 30). No one expects our man to be single and unattached forever; no one wants to see him unhappy and miserably alone. Not one of us wants him to suffer. And no one in their right mind believes that we should have a say-so in his love-life (though, gee, that would be nice...). But, if this is the price… if this union with Ms. Ryan brings about the ruination of his reputation, which indirectly - or directly, for that matter - may influence his career, then there is real concern all around. No one wants to see his name get trashed; we all cringe when we hear the snide remarks on the radio, on television, in the mainstream print media, and, nastiest of all, in the tabloids. No, check that: worst of all are the snickers from coworkers, for those of us foolish enough to have ever gushed about our hero in the office - oh the agony. But what drives Barbarians right to the edge of the steep cliffs overlooking the salt mines in Carthage is the ever-emerging vision of our beloved Crowe emasculated by a woman whose primary acting style is to reveal her gums when she grins, a woman whose influence over him is so profound that he actually believes that she's 'a great actress,' a woman who has compared their on-screen partnering to Liz and Dick... leaving us to gape awestruck at the tactless implications of the off-screen analogy. The horror, the horror... There was once a dream that was Russell Crowe… this is not it; THIS IS NOT IT.

[personal note: anybody got a problem with the above comment about Ryan having compared herself to Liz Taylor? - go rent 'Cat on a Hot Tin Roof' or the breathless 'Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf' and tell me again... now, the Burton/Crowe analogy? ...damn right. I come not to bury Russell, but to praise him.]

And now the ' star idolization' issue must be touched upon. Did we, the adoring harem of love slaves, hold the Man on so high a pedestal that he was doomed to failure from the very moment we all released our first collective sighs? The answer to this must be no. For our love of the Crowe was based on words that fell directly from his lips, repeatedly, not on some image we carved out of stone for ourselves to suit our own vision. No, Russell Crowe filled that hero-less void in us quite nicely, without even breaking a sweat. With every interview we read, both new and outdated, he reaffirmed that he was indeed a man to be followed. We swarmed to HIS side, we fell in love with Russell Crowe - not with Maximus, not Bud White (though they were surely the magnets), but with Russell Crowe, the Hollywood-bashin' hard-livin' take-no-shit brainy Aussie who had a soft heart as big as his homeland... and who loved us, womankind. A man of both action and principle. It's the appearance of a compromise of those principles that has some members of the Horde up in arms...and feuding with those who are not.

The Crisis
Meg Ryan: The Bone of Contention

The emergence of this woman's presence in the life of Russell Crowe has splintered the Horde into roughly 7 bickering camps either hostile to her, hostile to Russell himself, hostile to each other, or any combination thereof. Chat rooms are often quiet, mailing list members shoot vicious emails back and forth to each other, message boards splinter off to either keep the peace or to snub the remaining members… it's an ugly sight. How could the euphoric feeling generated by the August Austin concerts have deteriorated into such dissension? Well, this play has five acts, and the Horde now languishes in bitter dissension in the midst of Resignation. How will we pull ourselves out of it? What will happen to the Horde? Will we disappear like the Germanians, limping bloodied and battered into the mists of the forests, never to be seen again? Or will we rise above it all, like Max's Barbarian Horde, one that stays together and survives the turmoil caused by this scandal playing itself out on 4 continents (yep, four: South America, North America, Europe, and Australia)?

Stage I - Rumor

Some Horde members saw it coming, felt the hairs rise on the back of their necks when they saw the look on Meg Ryan's face in the early photos from the set of Proof of Life. Others were completely ambushed. What??? No, Meg is married - happily married! No worries at all, mate! She and Dennis Quaid are a Hollywood institution. There can't be anything going on between her…and our Russell. They have a child. Nooooooooo….no way.

Stage III - Shock

And then came the Santa Monica / National Enquirer Gropefest photo shoot. It's called a photo shoot, now, because very few people still believe that those pictures were a matter of paparazzi invading the privacy of two people just trying to enjoy life and each other; instead, most believe it to have been a publicity stunt aimed at…whom? The press? The fans? To promote POL? Or, our worst fear, the one that won't die, the one that hurts the most - at Dennis Quaid?

Stage IV - Resignation: Life with Meg

Now began the infighting. It's nobody's business. Yes it is, they're both public figures and they chose their professions. But they're human beings. No, they're not, they're commodities bought and sold just like everything else in the entertainment industry. What about their privacy? They gave that up when they first stepped in front of the camera... and if they want to claim a private life, then they should grope each other indoors instead of in public. What about the child? The child will survive. No he won't. Yes he will. But Russ is a homewrecker. No, no one can break up a happy marriage. Oh, tell me that again, it happened to me. But she was miserable in her marriage. Then why didn't she wait, and be discreet for the sake of her child, and for both their reputations? They don't have to answer to us, or to anyone. No, they don't, but we can stay at home and not see their films or buy the videos… nor the CD's. People make mistakes; give them a break. Yeah, they do...and when they make their beds publicly, they should be made to sweat in them. It was a mean thing to do, disgracing Dennis Quaid publicly. But he cheated on her first. No he didn't. Yes he did. You don't know. You don't know that he didn't [ update: she's since said he didn't ]. Russell shouldn't have gotten involved. But he's done nothing wrong. Yes he has, he's helped her commit adultery. They were already separated. No they weren't. Yes they were. So? So what? So so so so so so so no no no no nonononono blah blah blahblahblahblahblah…..

Stage V - Denouement: ??? The Unknown ???

The unknown future. Will Meg get pregnant? IS she pregnant already? Will they marry? Will she hurt him? Will his career suffer? Will we be tortured into numbing oblivion by an endless string of Russell / Meg movies? Can the feuding tribes survive such a debacle?

Stay tuned to the never-ending saga of 'As the Horde Churns'...

The Fractured Horde: How the Nation has Divided

While a great many Barbarians cannot be neatly fitted into any niche when it comes to their feelings and opinions about Russell Crowe, there seem to be 7 distinct groups ranging from one extreme to another: from unswerving faith and love, to bitter disillusionment and disgust (there are actually 8 groups, but group 8 has vamoosed and jumped ship). Many of us shift back and forth from one emotion to another, depending on the latest tabloid news, meager crumbs spoon-fed to a Horde hungry for news. Recently news which originated directly from The Man himself temporarily brought us back from the brink (the report of his shoulder injury on his website, for example, reunited us briefly as we were reminded of why we love him in the first place - his irresistible sense of humor... among other things). But by and large, while this crisis drags endlessly on into the Proof of Life promotional phase and beyond, most Barbarians pick a fighting stance, crouch grimly, grit their teeth with sword swaying overhead, and resolutely defend their ground.

The Purists
…can't see what all the fuss is about. He's an actor, period. What he does in his personal life makes no difference to anyone else. Let him make his own mistakes, 'he's a big boy.' This group will tolerate no gleeful Meg-abuse, even if they don't like her. Live and let live, they say, and with conviction.

The Ever-Faithful
…realize that he's only human, and that he should be allowed his mistakes, although they do believe that his actions have compromised his principles. This group bravely refuses to allow this crisis of faith to break their stride, and cling desperately to the hope that 'this too shall pass.'

The See-No-Evils
This group believes that Russell can do no wrong, period, and will tell you so. They won't even tolerate a differing opinion. They will do anything and everything necessary to protect him, and defend him, and can be ruthless while they go about doing it. Do not cross these people, they are relentless.

The Barge Captains
The Barbarians holding the line in this group are captains courageous indeed. Not only do they own their very own barges on that now deserted thoroughfare, De Nial, but they navigate and work the oars, too. They float slowly up and down the placid river, calmly reassuring the Horde with 'trust me - they're just friends. Those photos of the Gropefest mean nothing!' (this reassurance has to reach the Horde via bullhorn, since the rest of the Barbarian tribes are waving disconsolately from shore). It's lonely on that river. You can hear birds twittering for miles in all directions. Brave, brave Barbarians! With absolute conviction, they will tell you straight-faced that there IS NO relationship. That The Man and Mizz Ryan are, really, truly, only very good friends. To further confuse the issue, these Barge Captains are quite convincing; they even have 'inside sources' that appear pretty reliable and believable. If these few, these happy few Sisters turn out to be RIGHT, they will immediately be canonized; shrines devoted to them will spring up all over Russelldom, and, for the next 20 years, the first born child of all Barbarians will be named after them in their honor. O Captain, My Captian, we light candles in your name!

The Fantasists
For many, Russell Crowe provided a fantasy world filled with sensual highs, breathtaking thighs and endless sighs. He rejuvenated flagging sexual relationships between husbands and wives (yeah, I hear you laughing, but it's TRUE); he filled the heads of many a bored Barbarian with what 'could' be in both fantasy and reality. And while most of these women loathe Ms. Ryan, for them, nothing at all has changed; instead of allowing her unnerving visage to creep into their fantasy worlds, they concentrate on what's under Max's tunic and on what Lynn Bracken got to do that we can't - lucky bitch.

The Rebel Forces
The Rebel Forces is no doubt the most vociferous group within the Crowe Nation, a ranting band of banshees and bitches who make no bones about their objection to Ol' Hair & Bones having engulfed their beloved and cherished Crowe. Raising both voice and sword in unison, this army of avengers is not shy; they vigorously beat back the creeping influence of The Cabbage-Head / Skank / Mophead / Chia-Pet by voicing their opinions loudly and in tandem in a continuous rant to the heavens in the hopes that Someone Up There is listening. They believe that the chirpy once-perky Ms. Ryan is the Anti-Christ, who has spun a web of evil and corruption so thick with sticky ooze that The Man has lost himself and can't find his way back to them. Though the Rebel Bitches are deeply disappointed in what appears to be his choice of partner (the quality control phase was skipped altogether, here, they believe), with whitened knuckles they cling ferociously to his ankles, mumbling a prayer as they're dragged along, hoping that their faces don't get kicked in the process.

The Deserters
These people are goooooone. And they will never return. They were disillusioned by the Ryan affair, and disappointed in our Leader, and their love and lust for The Man, along with the friendships with their Sisters in Crowe, were not enough to make them stick around.

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What does the future hold for the Barbarian Horde?

If the worst happens - if Mr. Russell Crowe becomes Mr. Meg Ryan, and galvanizes his role as domesticated appendage to The Hollywood Meg-a-Star by tying the dreaded knot - how many Barbarians will stick around to watch the gory horror scenes spill out from the tabloids week after week after week? How much smirking gossip from the press can they take before they're turned away in abject desolation, doomed to haunting the net for pictures of Heath Ledger? 'We shall know soon enough' - Maximus.