Barbarian Barometer

Question 1: How often do you visit a chat room or message board dedicated to Russell Crowe?

A weekly

B daily

C hourly

D your pc stays on-line 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and you alternate between chat rooms and message boards in a constant clicking frenzy

Question 2: How many hours a day do you spend talking about The Man in a chat room, via a message board, or from an e-mail list?

A 1 hour a day

B 2-4 hours a day (the word 'vexed' creeps into your memos and business e-mails with an alarming frequency)

C 4-8 hours a day (your boss thinks you surf for porn sites all day, and is having you watched)

D over 8 hours a day (you are no longer gainfully employed)

E all &%$#@ day and night (your lips move as you murmur 'Maximus, Maximus' in your sleep...when you do sleep)

Question 3: How many times have you seen Gladiator?

A 1 - 2 times

B 3 - 5 times (you've started using phrases like 'not yet...not yet' and 'this is a pleasant fiction, isn't it?' in your casual conversations)

C 6 - 10 times (Bob the popcorn vendor knows you on a first name basis, and you have invited him to your nephew's 5th birthday party)

D 11 - 15 times (the theater manager has reserved a seat just for you, right smack in the middle of the theater)

E 16 times or more (you have purchased your very own Loew's theater, just for you, to ward off those Maximus DT's that strike at the most embarrassing moments)

Question 4: What would you sacrifice to get your hands on your very own copy of Hammers Over the Anvil?

A you already own it

B your mother-in-law

C your copy of Braveheart

D your entire movie collection

E your first-born child

Question 5: Do you have (choose all that apply):

A a Gladiator / Russell Crowe montage on your computer desktop

B a Gladiator screensaver

C a sound file of High Flight recited by The Man himself

D the Quick and the Dead 'bordello' scene saved somewhere on your hard drive (hopefully nested safely inside 20 folders where your husband won't find it)

E you have at least 3 TOFOG tracks saved right onto your desktop so that you can get to them easily

F all of the above

Question 6: Who "f***ed up your TOFOG CD orders?"

A Dave

B Bruno

C Dean

D Garth

E Stewart

Question 7: In Gladiator, when Maximus kissed Lucilla, did you catch yourself tilting your head ever so slightly to accommodate Max's lips? (tell the truth...)

A yes

B no

Question 8: Have you lost 15 pounds or more since Gladiator was released?

A yes

B no

Question 9: Ever since Maximus rode charging through the flames out of the Germanian forest and into your life, have you found yourself picking up an old hobby or dream that you've discarded, such as a return to the theater stage, or an urge to finish that screenplay you started, or found that your writer's block has lifted, or felt the need to get back to sculpting / dancing / camping / or just plain ol' living again?

A yes

B no

Question 10: How does your significant other feel about Russell?

A thinks that Arnold is a much more talented actor

B has pasted the "A Hero Will Rise" poster over his dart board in the den, and seems to unerringly nail the tunic on a regular basis

C wishes to send Russell a bottle of champagne, a box of cigars, and a sloppy thank-you card for clearing up those nagging headaches of yours

D can't remember your name and has joined the Horde himself

E What significant other? I'm holding out for Russell!

Question 11: Lately, have you found yourself having to change your underwear more often than you used to?

A yes

B no

Question 12: Do you own the Gladiator soundtrack?

A yes

B no

Question 13: You have spent an enormous amount of money on Russell-related items in the last three months (TOFOG CDs, TOFOG shirts and hats, hard-to-get-ahold-of movies made in Australia, movie soundtracks, concert tickets, plane fare to Austin/train fare to London, Austin/London hotel rates, monthly dues at the local spa/gym, entrance fees to multiple viewings of Gladiator, etc., etc., etc.) How much would you estimate that you have spent on your glorious obsession (and would Glad-ly spend more?):

A $100 - $200 (or the equivalent in your local currency)

B $200 - $500

C $500 - $750 (you've had to start waitressing at the neighborhood bar to keep up)

D $750 - $1000 (you have sold your car and now have to ride the bus to see Gladiator at the nearest $1 theater)

E $1000 - $1500 (you have arranged to have yourself kidnapped so that your husband is forced to pay ransom money to get you back - then you can pay off that Visa card before he gets the bill)

F over $1500 (you are now 'On your backs for Max' and have joined the Barbarian Whores)

Question 14: What would you say is the most beneficial aspect of your Russell Experience so far?

A the daydreams and fantasies worthy of Elysium

B the improved relationship with my significant other, for all else is dust and air

C the thrill Russell Crowe gives me with his magnetic on-screen presence and his gut-wrenching performances

D the sound of his voice as he croons out a love song, as though he's singing just for me

E how his very existence has somehow made me want to whip my lumpy body, tired mind and sagging spirit back into shape (or is it sagging body and lumpy mind?)

F the comradeship I've discovered amongst my chained sister Barbarians; I've developed at least one friendship that may well last a lifetime

Question 15: What would you say is the most negative aspect of your Russell Experience so far?

A not enough hours in the day to read all the news / hit all the chat rooms / post to all the message boards / read all the e-mails

B I have neglected Mel, Denzel, Tom and George waaaaay too much

C I have neglected my husband / boyfriend waaaaay too much

D the guys at work now call me 'Gladiatrix' and will for years to come

E with all this weight I've lost, now I have to buy a whole new wardrobe

F sleep is a thing of the distant past

----------Bonus Round 'Know-it-all' Questions-----------
For Barbarians Whose Chains are Worn and Rusty

Question 16: What are the first words uttered by the Spaniard?

A "...you see, my wife and son...they are already waiting for me."

B "Are you not entertained?"

C "You sent for me?"

D "Do you believe you will meet them again?...in the afterlife?"

E "Is this not why you are here?"

Question 17: Our Leader's band, 30 Odd Foot of Grunts, added 2 new names to the playbill this summer: Stewart Kirwan (trumpet) and Dave Wilkins (guitar), both also vocalists. From which Aussie bands do they hail, respectively?

A Dave Wilkins, lead vocalist of Cracksquad; Stewart Kirwan, lead vocalist of Utopian Babies

B Stewart Kirwan, lead vocalist of Oasis; Dave Wilkins, lead vocalist of Utopian Babies

C Dave Wilkins played with Cheap Trick; Stewart Kirwan played with Oasis

D Stewart Kirwan, lead vocalist of Cracksquad; Dave Wilkins, lead vocalist of Utopian Babies

Question 18: Which oft-quoted line from Gladiator did our Russell write into the script himself?

A "...blessed father, watch over my family with a ready sword..."

B "What we do in life...echoes in eternity!"

C "Are you not entertained?"

D "This vexes me...I'm terribly vexed."

E "Strength and Honor!"

Question 19: What is the source of the following lyric line from a Russell-related CD?..."I was lookin' back to see if you was looking back at me to see me lookin' back at you..."

A Virtuosity soundtrack

B The Photograph Kills

C The Insider soundtrack

D Gaslight

E Romper Stomper soundtrack

A	weekly
B	daily
C	hourly
D	your pc stays on-line 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and you alternate between chat rooms and message boards in a constant clicking frenzy

A	1 hour a day
B	2-4 hours a day (the word 'vexed' creeps into your memos and business e-mails with an alarming frequency)
C	4-8 hours a day (your boss thinks you surf for porn sites all day, and is having you watched)
D	over 8 hours a day (you are no longer gainfully employed)
E	all &%$#@ day and night (your lips move as you murmur 'Maximus, Maximus' in your sleep...when you do sleep)

A	1 - 2 times
B	3 - 5 times (you've started using phrases like 'not yet...not yet' and 'this is a pleasant fiction, isn't it?' in your casual conversations)
C	6 - 10 times (Bob the popcorn vendor knows you on a first name basis, and you have invited him to your nephew's 5th birthday party)
D	11 - 15 times (the theater manager has reserved a seat just for you, right smack in the middle of the theater)
E	16 times or more (you have purchased your very own Loew's theater, just for you, to ward off those Maximus DT's that strike at the most embarrassing moments)

A	you already own it
B	your mother-in-law
C	your copy of Braveheart
D	your entire movie collection
E	your first-born child

A	a Gladiator / Russell Crowe montage on your computer desktop
B	a Gladiator screensaver
C	a sound file of High Flight recited by The Man himself
D	the Quick and the Dead 'bordello' scene saved somewhere on your hard drive (hopefully nested safely inside 20 folders where your husband won't find it)
E	you have at least 3 TOFOG tracks saved right onto your desktop so that you can get to them easily
F	all of the above

A	thinks that Arnold is a much more talented actor
B	has pasted the "A Hero Will Rise" poster over his dart board in the den, and seems to unerringly nail the tunic on a regular basis
C	wishes to send Russell a bottle of champagne, a box of cigars, and a sloppy thank-you card for clearing up those nagging headaches of yours
D	can't remember your name and has joined the Horde himself
E	What significant other? I'm holding out for Russell!

A	$100 - $200 (or the equivalent in your local currency)
B	$200 - $500
C	$500 - $750 (you've had to start waitressing at the neighborhood bar to keep up)
D	$750 - $1000 (you have sold your car and now have to ride the bus to see Gladiator at the nearest $1 theater)
E	$1000 - $1500 (you have arranged to have yourself kidnapped so that your husband is forced to pay ransom money to get you back - then you can pay off that Visa card before he gets the bill)
F	over $1500 (you are now 'On your backs for Max' and have joined the Barbarian Whores)

A	the daydreams and fantasies worthy of Elysium
B	the improved relationship with my significant other, for all else is dust and air
C	the thrill Russell Crowe gives me with his magnetic on-screen presence and his gut-wrenching performances
D	the sound of his voice as he croons out a love song, as though he's singing just for me
E	how his very existence has somehow made me want to whip my lumpy body, tired mind and sagging spirit back into shape (or is it sagging body and lumpy mind?)
F	the comradeship I've discovered amongst my chained sister Barbarians; I've developed at least one friendship that may well last a lifetime

A	not enough hours in the day to read all the news / hit all the chat rooms / post to all the message boards / read all the e-mails
B	I have neglected Mel, Denzel, Tom and George waaaaay too much
C	I have neglected my husband / boyfriend waaaaay too much
D	the guys at work now call me 'Gladiatrix' and will for years to come
E	with all this weight I've lost, now I have to buy a whole new wardrobe
F	sleep is a thing of the distant past

A	"...you see, my wife and son...they are already waiting for me."
B	"Are you not entertained?"
C	"You sent for me?"
D	"Do you believe you will meet them again?...in the afterlife?"
E	"Is this not why you are here?"

A	Dave Wilkins, lead vocalist of Cracksquad; Stewart Kirwan, lead vocalist of Utopian Babies
B	Stewart Kirwan, lead vocalist of Oasis; Dave Wilkins, lead vocalist of Utopian Babies
C	Dave Wilkins played with Cheap Trick; Stewart Kirwan played with Oasis
D	Stewart Kirwan, lead vocalist of Cracksquad; Dave Wilkins, lead vocalist of Utopian Babies

A	"...blessed father, watch over my family with a ready sword..."
B	"What we do in life...echoes in eternity!"
C	"Are you not entertained?"
D	"This vexes me...I'm terribly vexed."
E	"Strength and Honor!"

A	Virtuosity soundtrack
B	The Photograph Kills
C	The Insider soundtrack
D	Gaslight
E	Romper Stomper soundtrack

Thank you all for entering the Barbarian Barometer "IT" Contest! We have a WINNER !!! and two runner-ups! Please click here to check out the results!

Thank you all for entering the
Barbarian Barometer "IT" Contest!
We have a WINNER !!! and two runner-ups! Please click here to check out the results!