Are you a real Packer fan?

Here is a questionnaire (an’ da series of e-mails after dey sent it to me) dat was sent to me by a couple of Raider fans (an oxymoron, I know).

Unfortunately, I tried to call to RSVP and the Raider's Reservation 800 number was disconnected for non-payment. However, me an dem what cares wit me have already set out our cheeseballs (no cheesewhizzys!), sausages, an'  beverages in preparation for da tailgate party (what is a "Raider Pregame Party"?? Sounds kinda wussy to me! Ya gotta be outside in sub-zero BEFORE da game!), which we will probably show up at, what, 5"ish"??? (True Packer fans would be der at 5 on da nose ... dat MORNING!, but we know youse Raiderheads need yer beauty sleep!). See ya Monday!

From: "Bill and Janet"
To: "Da Ku"
Subject: Re: Are you a real Packer fan?
Date: Fri, 19 Dec 2003 11:26:14 -0800

Hey Dave; Your application has been accepted and you are now an "Official Green Bay Packer Cheesehead Fan". You have wisely depicted yourself as a true Wisconsinite, or Wisconsonian, and will therefore be inducted into the "Chedderhead Hall of Fame", with all the rights and privileges accorded true grassroots Packer fans. You and your entourage must therefore present yourselves for this upcoming Monday Night Football Game against the World Famous Oakland Raiders in full "Cheeseball" fighting regalia in order to fully partake in the true spirit of the Raider "Commitment to Excellence". The game begins at 6:00 PM PST, or 8:00 PM CST (Cheesewhiz Standard Time) sharp. Festivities, i.e. Raider pregame party, begins much sooner of course. Make your reservation ASAP; space is limited to the first 10 1/2 Cheeseheads and Pirates. Call our toll free Number, 1-800-Just Win Baby. Raiderheads standing by.

 
Hey Dave; I think you need to fill out this application if you want to consider yourself a card carrying "Cheesehead Packer Fan".

Application To Become A Green Bay (Fudge) Packers Fan

Name _____________DA Kuhns______________
CB Handle _________________Daf______

Neck Shade:
_____ Light Red X I LIVE IN SEATTLE, DONCHAKNOW!
_____ Medium Red
_____ Dark Red

Number of Teeth in exposed full grin: (Neither can exceed 3)
Upper _____6
Lower _____ 0 (AVERAGE IS 3)

Mobile Home Color:
_____ Two-Tone, Brown and White
_____ Two-Tone, Pink and White
_____ Faded Green
X__SILVER. WAS WHITE AN BROWN

Model of Pickup Truck:___1956 CHEV_______________
Size of Tires: ________NO TIRES, DER, HEY, IT'S SITTIN' ON DA BACK LOT ON BLOCKS!___
Length of Right Leg: DUNNO! i DON'T MEASURE DEM! LONG ENUFF TO REACH DA GROUND...
Length of Left Leg _OR A RAIDER FAN'S BACK SIDE AS WE KICK DEM OUT OF DA WAY!______________
note: To be accepted, you must be honest, and you must be able to check at least 20 items from the questions below. Note that good Packer fans can sometimes check many answers for some of the questions.

I am in love with:
_X__ My Right Hand
___ My Left Hand
_X__ Both Hands FOR CLAPPING WHEN DA PACK SCORES AGAINST DA RAIDERS!
My favorite music is:
_X__ Country
_X__ Western
___ Anything played on an accordion
My favorite meal is:
___ Head Cheese and Old Milwaukee
_X__ Venison Sausage & DAD'S ROOT BEER IN OLD MILWAUKEE
X__ Cheese Curd & BUTTERMILK IN Old Milwaukee
___ Pickled Pigs' Feet YUCK
___ 7 Courses: 7 BratS AND SHOWING OFF MY Six-Pack
___ $5.99 Fish Fry YEAH!! IN WEST BEND OR CEDAR LAKE! AT DA SILVER DOLLAR SALOON HIT WAS $7.99 BUT DEY HAD MOCK LOBSTER, NORTHERN, WALLEYE AND FROG LEGS!

Preferred Weapon:
___ 12 Gauge
___ Tire Iron -- NO, DAT WOULD BE IN OAKLAND
___ Forehead
___ Chain Saw
X Ice Auger AT LEAST I KNOW WHAT DAT IS!
Primary Auto:
x_ '67 Ford Galaxy ACTUALLY, IT WAS A 65 GALAXY 500!!
___ '67 Ford Galaxy with Transmission
___ '67 Ford Galaxy with '73 Chevy Impala Transmission
___ '67 Ford Galaxy with '73 Chevy Impala Transmission and '71 Buick Wagon Engine
I usually greet people by saying:
_X_ Hey Dere
___ Dem Packers is playing like a bunch of Old Women
___ Dey should take da whole bunch a dem Madison liberals and just linem up and shootem
I can count to:
_x__ 10 – (11 BECAUSE I CAN COUNT DA NUMBER OF PACKERS ON DA FIELD.)
___ 20, if I take off my boots
___ 21, if I get neked BOY IS DIS STUPID. YA CAN'T SEE ANYTING BELOW YOUR GUT ANYWAY!
I am:
_X__ HAPPY, NOT Gay -- BECAUSE I WAS BORN IN WISCONSIN!
___ Just willing to learn

Favorite Reading:
X_ Fishing Facts
___ Beer Bottle Labels
___ Guns and Ammo
___ Today's Mercenary
___ Polka Digest
Things in my front yard:
___ Various Kitchen Appliances
___ Car on Blocks
___ Transmissions
___ Deer hanging from tree limb (in-season)
___ Deer hanging from tree limb (out of season)
x__ MY FISHIN' POLES AN MY GARDEN

My favorite female in the world is:
___ My Sister
___ Mo Mother (SPELLED BY A RAIDER FAN? OR IS DAT YOUR MUTHA)
___ Both, because my sister is my mother
_x_ CAN'T SAY, I'D GET IN TROUBLE -- PROBABLY A RAIDER CHEERLEADER BECAUSE I KNOW SHE'S NEVER MET A REAL MAN YET -- OH, THE OPPORTUNITIES!

I mostly wear:
___ Polyester pants with snags
___ Polyester pants with holes
__x_POLYESTER PANTS WIT BOTH (AT LEAST I WEAR PANTS INSTEAD OF GACKIES!)
___ Green Bay Belt Buckle -- NOPE, ONLY A SWEATSHIRT

The most memorable event I ever attended:
___ Minocqua Moose call competition
___ Omega Outboard Motor Repair Finals
___ Lake Tomahawk Crew Cut Championships
___ Carp Queen Beauty Contest
___ Spread Eagle International proctologists Convention
_x__SOVERIGN STATE OF WINNECONNE SUCESSION DAYS

My favorite entertainment is:
_x__ ICE FISHING OR Deer hunting while drinking HOT COCCOA
___ Watching Green Acres reruns while drinking
___ Snowmobiling while drinking
Pick one:
___ Someone is helping me read this
___ Someone is reading this for me
x___ I READ IT MYSELF AND EDITED IT AND RETURNED IT TO DA RAIDER'S FAN WHAT SENT IT TO ME WITH THE MISTAKES CORRECTED!