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CRAZYPAGES

Chapter 18
POETRY, 1982-1993

        I like poetry. I have not written too much. Here is a sampling of poems written by me,
my then-wife, and my friends. All of us have mental illness to varying degrees. Some of the poems
have appeared in Chuck's Newsletter. I decided not to analyze my poems and say which were
before my illness and which were during or what inspired them. I just want to experience and
feel them and the poems by the others. I include also Shakespeare's sonnet which appeared in
my valentine newsletter, because I like Shakespeare and romance although he is not thought to
be mentally ill.

Chuck

"In a Daze"
I'm confused
I'm in a daze
So confused
And in a haze
Looking for the proper phrase
Oh, don't say it's just a phase

But I'm starting to realize
That I really want you
That I really want to see your eyes
Because I can't wait to see you smile again
I can't wait to hear you laugh again

I miss you even when you just go for a few hours
I miss kissing you, I want to send you flowers
I want you to stay
I want you to go away
So I can miss you and just be in a daze

But I want you to stay and hold me
And love like we say we want to do forever
Because I love you and always will forever

Even if you go away.
Please don't go away.
I want to be alone.
I want to be with you.
So kiss me and stop these ideas from spinning
Just hold me and love me
Oh God, I just want to see you grinning
And laughing
. And loving me forever

"Untitled"
There comes a time
When they say I don't know what love is
But I do
Love is a special feeling
Caring so much about the other person
Thinking about her all the time
Picking out special greeting cards
With pretty pictures or funny ones
Sharing special times together
Smelling flowers together
Making love and meaning it

"Ocean"
Splashing, crashing
The long green folds of water
Race toward the shore
Each one gets louder
And then sizzles
As the once-powerful wave
Turns to foam and fizzles

Splashing, crashing
The waves keep coming
Blown by the wind
Or pulled by the moon
Fascinating to watch, magnetizing,
Reflecting the sun
Rolling, surging
Giving surfers a flowing ride

Splashing, crashing
The waves can knock you down
Sizzling, fizzling
The foam can soak your shoes
Joggers go by in the wet sand
Dogs chase sticks
Thrown by their masters

Standing, gazing
Seagulls on one leg watch the waves
White diamonds on their tailfeathers
You come too close to the gulls
Suddenly they all fly away
But they'll come back to this place
To watch and listen again

"We Do Not Crucify"
We do not crucify
In the wink of an eye
And, besides, if we do
The first one's for free

"Deep End"
Pieces of poetry
Penetrate my blood
But they don't make any sense yet

I feel I'm ignored too much
"So does everybody", Sharon said
Wait! Henry's setting his clothes
On fire in the street!
No, he wasn't wearing them

Hark, the next sound you hear
Will be Hartson's Ambulance
They were out of style, anyway
I'm talking about the clothes
That he set on fire
Well, the ambulance didn't come
So the next day Henry jumped off the balcony
And fractured his back
So now he's in the hospital
And some of the guys are talking about visiting him

Someone said, "It's the ones with the calm exterior
Who go off on the deep end."

"5150'd for Love"*
I was as high as the moon
I thought it was love
The cop thought it was mania
I heard him say,
    "Let's take him away.
Let's 5150 him."

They took me to CMH**
I said to the shrink,
"Do you know what love is?"
He said, "You're being admitted for being
a danger to yourself and others."
I said, "That makes sense.
That's what love is!"
I've been 5150'd for love.

_____
*In California, "5150'd" (pronounced "fifty-one fiftied") means to be taken,
usually by police, to a psychiatric hospital for evaluation.
**CMH = County Mental Health.

Laura

"Deep Depression, Deep Sleep"
When darkness creeps beside me,
I close my eyes and sleep
Until the light of Love touches me
And my eyes then cease to weep
Up...up...from this deep sleep
To hear the gentle whispers of the wind
I know that this darkness is only brief
The light of Love will penetrate this grief
Now when darkness creeps beside me
I can see a radiant light
Up...up...there is no night

Laura & Chuck

"My Love"
My love is like the torrential rain
Always keeping me quite insane

My love is like a burning fire
You will always be my one desire

My love is like a gentle swan
Forever may it live on

My love is like a passionate song
Someone always sings along

My love is like the sky
It always makes me high

My love is like a pearl
You are my one and only girl

My love is such a joy
You are my one and only boy

You are my love and this I will always know
I will always love you so

You are my love and yes, you see --
We will share our love through all eternity

My love is like a radiant rose
It continually grows

Marnie

"Auntie Lynn"
Auntie Lynn
Drop dead
Eat shit
Fuck off and die
Rot in Hell
And Leave Me Alone
Do you understand
I hate you
And don't give a damn piece of shit
Go to Hell

Love,
Marnie (picture of a star shape)

Sharon

"Alchemy"
Black wine -- feel so fine
Acid and shadows creep upon my mind
'Tis alchemy it's true
Red and black dreams of you
Witchcraft and demons prepare the feast
Upon the night they doth scare the beast
Of a love possessed of angers
And tears of blood beleaguer
I am caught by you --
By the magic inside you, too
It's an answer for the madness,
And your soul for love I'd possess
For by love -- and loving you--
The dream of light -- would come true

"Silent Rivers"
Silent rivers flow slowly
Through thoughts unused in years
A child-lady pulls her hair
"Do I react like a child?"
She asks the wall and clouds
"Hold yourself down", she tells herself
And the rivers of thought sound on
As she wails "Love, fright, what am I tonight?"
Broken dishes and shards of love
Bleeding fingers ape her bloody heart.
She is growing inward and outward
Like lichen on ancient rock
Like raw reactions -- like me.

William Shakespeare

"Sonnet V."
Live with me, and be my love,
And we will all the pleasures prove
That hills and valleys, dales and fields,
And all the craggy mountains yields.

There will we sit upon the rocks,
And see the shepherds feed their flocks,
By shallow rivers, by whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals.

There will I make thee a bed of roses,
With a thousand fragrant posies,
A cap of flowers and a kirtle
Embroider'd all with leaves of myrtle.

A belt of straw and ivy buds,
With coral clasps and amber studs;
And if these pleasures may thee move,
Then live with me, and be my love.

Love's Answer
If that the world and love were young
And truth in every shepherd's tongue,
These pretty pleasures might me move
To live with thee and be thy love.

sonnet reproduced from Chuck's Newsletter
vol. 2, no. 2, 2-2-1988

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