21
WALLS, MASKS AND BOUNDARIES

     WALLS ARE A NORMAL AND NATURAL DEFENSE OF OURSELVES, OF OUR
PSYCHE OR OUR EGO.  THESE WALLS KEEP US FROM HARM.  WALLS ARE
DEFENSIVE STRUCTURES.  THEY CAN KEEP PEOPLE OUT BUT THEY CAN ALSO
KEEP US IN.  LEARNING TO BUILD HEALTHY WALLS IS A PART OF BECOMING A
MATURE ADULT HUMAN BEING.  WE MUST LEARN TO LET IN PEOPLE  WHO
HAVE EARNED THE RIGHT TO BE ALLOWED IN.  THIS IS ALSO A PART OF
GROWING UP.  WE MUST LEARN THAT IT IS APPROPRIATE TO ALLOW PEOPLE
IN BASED ON WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE WITH THEM. HOW
MUCH INTIMACY YOU HAVE WITH THAT INDIVIDUAL, DETERMINES HOW FAR
AND WHAT WALLS THEY SHOULD COME THROUGH.  SELF-ESTEEM IS A MAJOR
COMPONENT IN HEALTHY WALLS.  FOR INSTANCE, LET US SAY SOMEONE YOU
DON'T KNOW SAYS, "YOU ARE WORTHLESS."  IF YOU HAD NO SELF-ESTEEM
AND HEARD THAT, YOU WOULD BE HURT, BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO DEFENSES. 
YOU MIGHT EVEN BELIEVE IT.  IF YOU HAD SELF-ESTEEM AND HEARD THAT,
YOU MIGHT SAY, "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT."  YOU
WERE ABLE TO DEFEND YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU HAD A WALL THEY COULD
NOT PENETRATE.  EVEN WITH HEALTHY WALLS, IF SOMEONE YOU LOVE SAYS
"YOU ARE WORTHLESS," IT WILL HURT BECAUSE YOU HAVE LET THEM PAST
YOUR WALLS AND SO YOU HAVE NO DEFENSES.  THAT IS WHY THE PEOPLE
WE LOVE CAN HURT US SO BADLY.
     NO MATTER WHOM I AM TALKING TO, I ALWAYS TRY TO REMEMBER THIS
PHRASE: "SAY WHAT YOU MEAN, MEAN WHAT YOU SAY, JUST DON'T SAY IT
MEAN."  HONESTY IS IMPORTANT, BRUTAL HONESTY IS IN POOR TASTE.  I HAVE
FOUND I CAN USUALLY SAY WHAT I HAVE TO SAY WITH LOVE AND STILL GET
THROUGH TO EVEN THE THICKEST HEADS WITHOUT TRYING TO HURT THEM.
     THERE ARE ALSO UNHEALTHY WALLS BUILT UP BY MANY THOUSANDS
OF ATTACKS (ATTACKS BOTH INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL IN ORIGIN) UPON
OURSELVES.  THESE WALLS KEEP YOU IN AND ALLOW NO ONE TO ENTER.  WE
ARE AFRAID IF WE ALLOW ANYONE IN, WE WILL BE BEAT UP EVEN MORE OR
THEY WILL FIND OUT HOW WORTHLESS WE ARE AND REJECT US AND WE
WILL BE LEFT EVEN MORE ALONE. THESE WALLS KEEP US CLOSED UP AND
BLOCKED OFF FROM EXPERIENCING ANY REAL LASTING RELATIONSHIPS,
FRIENDSHIPS OR INTIMACY WITH ANYBODY.  THEY SEEM TO BE WALLS WITH
NO DOORS.
     MASKS ARE AN ATTEMPT AT DECEPTION; YOU ACT AS IF YOU HAVE THE
WALL BUT YOU DON'T.  IF SOMEONE SAYS, "YOU ARE WORTHLESS," -  IT WILL
HURT BUT YOU DON'T LET IT SHOW.  YOU HAVE LEARNED NOT TO SHOW HOW
YOU FEEL, BUT HAVE NO PROTECTION AND NO SELF-ESTEEM.  MASKS MAY
DECEIVE OTHERS, BUT THEY ARE INADEQUATE AT PROTECTING YOURSELF
FROM THE SLINGS AND ARROWS OF LIFE ON LIFE'S TERMS.
     BOUNDARIES ARE LINES IN THE SAND.  THEY OFFER NO REAL
PROTECTION FROM INTRUDERS, BUT THEN HOPEFULLY YOU HAVE SET UP
GOOD WALLS AND HAVE MADE GOOD DECISIONS ABOUT WHOM YOU ARE
ALLOWING INSIDE THOSE WALLS.  IF SO, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT THE INDIVIDUALS YOU ARE ALLOWING IN.  MY EXPERIENCE, HOWEVER,
IS THAT WE ARE NOT ALWAYS A GOOD JUDGE OF CHARACTER.  BOUNDARIES
ARE THERE SO WE CAN HAVE OUR OWN SPACE AND STILL ALLOW OTHERS IN. 
BOUNDARIES SAY, "YOU CAN LOOK IN HERE, BUT THIS STUFF IS MINE, I MUST
DEAL WITH IT.  I AM KEEPING NO SECRETS FROM YOU, BUT THIS IS NOT YOUR
STUFF."  THIS IS A VERY DIFFICULT PROCESS TO MASTER, BECAUSE I THINK
WE WANT HELP WHEN WE HURT.  THE PERSON WHOM WE LET IN OBVIOUSLY
CARES AND WANTS TO HELP, BUT WITH SOME THINGS WE MUST WORK IT
OUT ON OUR OWN.
     THIS ILLUSTRATES HOW HONESTY AND COMMUNICATION ARE VERY
IMPORTANT IN MAINTAINING BOUNDARIES.  IN RELATIONSHIPS, WE MUST
LEARN TO WORK WITH OTHERS AND LEARN TO DEAL WITH OUR FEELINGS
AND OUR PROBLEMS.  
     I HAVE HEARD FALLING IN LOVE DESCRIBED AS THE TEMPORARY
DISSOLUTION OF ALL WALLS AND BOUNDARIES.  THIS LOSS OF WALLS AND
BOUNDARIES ALLOWS US TO FEEL ALL MUSHY, WARM, AND SOFT INSIDE AND
ALLOWS A REALLY CRAZY TYPE OF INTIMACY.  IF BOTH PEOPLE ARE HEALTHY
EMOTIONALLY, THEY WILL HAVE TO ESTABLISH HEALTHY BOUNDARIES WITH
THEIR LOVED ONES. THIS IS WHEN THE HONEYMOON IS OVER AND THE WORK
BEGINS.