20.
RELATIONSHIPS
THIS MAY BE THE ONE CHAPTER YOU MAY WANT TO SKIP

     THIS IS ONE TIME WHERE I MAY HAVE MORE THEORY THAN ACTUAL 
EXPERIENCE, BUT I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON GAINING SOME EXPERIENCE 
FOR MANY YEARS NOW.  HOWEVER, SINCE MY DIVORCE, WHENEVER 
SOMEONE HAS COME TO ME AND ASKED ME FOR ADVICE ABOUT 
RELATIONSHIPS I HAVE SAID, "WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF I KNOW WHAT TO DO, 
BUT I HAVE A HELL OF A LONG LIST OF THINGS I KNOW NOT TO DO."
     NOW, ONTO MY THEORY.  FIRST, I BELIEVE IN FOUR KINDS OR LEVELS 
OF RELATIONSHIPS: PASSING ACQUAINTANCES, FUN FRIENDS, BEST OF 
FRIENDS, AND LOVERS.  PASSING ACQUAINTANCES ARE PEOPLE WE SEE 
REGULARLY OR OCCASIONALLY WHO WE RECOGNIZE AND SAY "HELLO" TO.  
WE MAY EVEN KNOW THEIR NAMES OR TELL THEM OF IMPORTANT EVENTS IN 
OUR LIFE, LIKE, I AM GETTING MARRIED OR MY WIFE IS HAVING A BABY, . . . , 
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW THEM, OR THEY YOU.  FUN FRIENDS ARE PEOPLE YOU 
DO FUN THINGS WITH, OR ENJOY THEIR COMPANY BECAUSE OF SHARED 
INTERESTS.  CLOSE OR BEST OF FRIENDS ARE INDIVIDUALS WHO HAVE MADE 
IT PAST MOST OF YOUR WALLS AND KNOW THE REAL YOU.  YOU MAY HAVE 
EMOTIONAL, OR MENTAL, OR SPIRITUAL INTIMACY WITH THEM, AND MAYBE 
EVEN ALL THREE INTIMACIES.
     I ALSO BELIEVE IN FOUR KINDS OF INTIMACY: EMOTIONAL, MENTAL, 
SPIRITUAL, AND PHYSICAL.  EMOTIONAL INTIMACY IS WHEN YOU CAN TELL 
THE OTHER PERSON YOUR MOST INTIMATE FEELINGS, YOUR FANTASIES, 
YOUR FEARS, YOUR FAILURES AND YOUR SUCCESSES WITHOUT FEAR OF 
BEING LAUGHED AT, MADE FUN OF, OR THOSE THINGS BEING TOLD TO THE 
REST OF THE WORLD.  MENTAL INTIMACY IS BEING ABLE TO SHARE 
THOUGHTS - GOOD, BAD OR INDIFFERENT - WITHOUT THE SAME NEGATIVE 
CONSEQUENCES AS MENTIONED ABOVE.  ALSO, I DON'T WANT TO BE ALWAYS 
THE TEACHER OR ALWAYS THE STUDENT; SOME INTELLECTUAL EQUALITY IS 
IMPORTANT.  SPIRITUAL INTIMACY IS ALSO VERY IMPORTANT.  A SHARED 
COMMON, OR AT THE VERY LEAST MUTUALLY NONEXCLUSIVE, 
UNDERSTANDINGS OR MISUNDERSTANDINGS OF GOD OR SPIRITUALITY IS 
NECESSARY.  LAST, BUT NOT LEAST, IS PHYSICAL INTIMACY.  MAKING LOVE IS 
NOT JUST SEXUAL INTERCOURSE.
     I BELIEVE THAT IF YOU DO NOT GO THROUGH ALL THESE EARLIER 
STAGES, NOT FORMING THOSE OTHER INTIMACIES AND YOU SKIP RIGHT TO
LOVERS, THEN THESE SO CALLED "TRUE  LOVE" OR "LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT"
RELATIONSHIPS ARE ALMOST DOOMED  FROM THE START BECAUSE THEY ARE
BASED ON SEX, NOT LOVE.  ALAS, I DO  BELIEVE IN LUST AT FIRST SIGHT,
BECAUSE IT HAPPENS TO ME SEVERAL  TIMES A DAY.  HOWEVER, IF YOU TAKE
YOUR TIME AND BUILD A  RELATIONSHIP WITH COMMUNICATION, TRUST,
HONESTY, AND COMMITMENT,  ALONG WITH TAKING TIME TO PASS THROUGH
THE DIFFERENT LEVELS AND BUILD THE OTHER INTIMACIES UP TO  THE POINT
WHERE YOU CAN ENTER INTO A LOVING RELATIONSHIP, THEN THE 
RELATIONSHIP MAY LAST, IF YOU MAINTAIN THE INTIMACIES THROUGH 
COMMUNICATION, TRUST, HONESTY AND COMMITMENT.  THESE TOOLS ARE 
NECESSARY BECAUSE PEOPLE CHANGE AND GROW.  A RELATIONSHIP CAN, 
AND WILL, CHANGE AND GROW, TOGETHER OR APART; IT DEPENDS IF THEY 
BOTH USE THE TOOLS.  IF THEY DO, THEN THE LIKELIHOOD IS THEY WILL 
GROW AND CHANGE TOGETHER.
     
     ARE YOU TIRED OF BEING THE VICTIM, YET?  I ONCE KNEW A GUY FOR A
WHILE AND I THOUGHT HE WAS MY FRIEND.  ONE DAY HE TRIED TO BEAT ME
UP.  I DROPPED  HIM FROM MY LIST OF FRIENDS AND HE NEVER CAST HIS
SHADOW IN MY  DOORWAY AGAIN.  I HAVE A LADY FRIEND WHO IS VERY
SMART,  PRETTY AND  VERY SAVVY ABOUT THE WORLD, BUT HER CURRENT
BOYFRIEND KEEPS  BEATING HER UP.  I ASKED HER WHY SHE KEEPS GOING
BACK.  SHE SAID, "HE  LOVES ME."  I TOLD HER, "YEAH WELL, HE REALLY LOVES
TO BEAT YOU."  AS  ADULTS IN RELATIONSHIPS, AS IN ALL OTHER PHASES OF
LIFE, WE MUST  STOP ALLOWING OURSELVES TO BE THE VICTIM.  THE FIRST
TIME IT HAPPENS  WE ARE THE VICTIM, AFTER THAT WE ARE A VOLUNTEER. 
WE MUST TAKE  PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR OURSELVES AND STOP
VOLUNTEERING FOR  VICTIMIZATION.  WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE MATURE
ADULTS IF WE ENTER  INTO ADULT RELATIONSHIPS.  WE ARE AFTER ALL IN A
RELATIONSHIP WITH  EVERYBODY WHOM WE KNOW, WHOM WE SEE, AND
WHO IS ON THIS EARTH,  LIKE IT OR NOT.  I STRONGLY SUGGEST WE MUST
START USING THE GOLDEN  RULE AS A STANDARD OF BEHAVIOR.
     ON THE LIGHTER SIDE, I WOULD LIKE TO OFFER THESE SOMEWHAT 
HUMOROUS AND SOMEWHAT SERIOUS SUGGESTIONS TO THE PROBLEMS OF 
RELATIONSHIPS.  I HAVE FOUND THAT MOST OF THE TIME ARGUMENTS ARE 
ABOUT CONTROL.  SO I SUGGEST YOU STOP TRYING TO CONTROL HIM OR 
HER, AND REMEMBER THESE SUGGESTIONS:


NO MATTER WHAT:
     1. YOU ARE WRONG, ADMIT IT!  IS BEING RIGHT ABOUT WHATEVER YOU
THINK YOU ARE RIGHT ABOUT WORTH YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE
PERSON YOU LOVE?
     2.  IF IT IS YOUR FAULT, ADMIT IT, APOLOGIZE SINCERELY AND QUICKLY! 
DOES IT REALLY MATTER WHOSE FAULT IT IS?  IS IT MORE IMPORTANT THAN
YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PERSON YOU LOVE?
     3. IF YOU DON'T KNOW, ADMIT IT!  IS SOME MERE FACT MORE
IMPORTANT THAN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PERSON YOU LOVE?
     4. SAY, "WHATEVER YOU WANT TO ?  DO, EAT, SEE, OR WHERE EVER
YOU WANT TO GO,  DEAR."  WHAT YOU DO, WHAT YOU EAT, WHAT YOU SEE,
OR WHERE YOU GO IS UNIMPORTANT IF IT IS NOT WITH THE PERSON YOU
LOVE.
     I RECOGNIZE THERE ARE TIMES WHEN YOU MUST STAND UP FOR
YOURSELF ABOUT LIFE AND DEATH ISSUES BUT HERE I AM TALKING ABOUT
THE DAY TO DAY STUFF WE HUMANS ARGUE ABOUT ALL THE TIME. I THINK
THAT IF BOTH PEOPLE IN THE RELATIONSHIP USE THESE SUGGESTIONS AND
PLAY FAIR WITH EACH OTHER BY MAKING SUGGESTIONS ABOUT WHAT THEY
WANT AND COME TO A CONSENSUS, WHAT A FUN LIFE THEY WILL HAVE.