NACC - Thursday, June 25, 1998

John D. McArthur, Jr.

St. Louis, Missouri

Erlanger Church of Christ

Erlanger, Kentucky

 

INFERTILITY AND ADOPTION

What Happens After You Adopt

Definition: Adoption represents the union of a child with parents who are not related by birth but rather joined together through a process of law.

Can adoption result in a satisfactory family experience? The answer will vary depending on a variety of factors including the openness of the adoptive family to express their frustrations and the ability to seek proper therapeutic intervention.

Though every child is different, there are certain disorders that appear among adopted adolescents. We are created with free will. Each individual decides how they will react to the circumstances they find themselves in. Understanding potential problems and dealing with the challenges of adopted adolescents is the first step in making adoption result in a satisfactory family experience.

  1. The Unique Problems of Adopted Adolescents
    1. Developmental Disorders
    1. Developmental disability
      1. Anything that interferes with a child's growth or development
      2. Difficult for any child, a special challenge for adoptees

i. Principle conflict: child has two sets of parents
    1. Learning disability
      1. Broad range of functional areas including: attention, memory, visual perception, language skills, and abstract thinking
      2. Often mis- or under-diagnosed in adoptees

i. Can be genetic but also result of unhealthy fetal environment, poor parent-infant attachment, unresolved emotional trauma, and frequent school moves
    1. Identity formation
      1. Sense of belonging
      2. Adoptive families formed because of loss

i. Danger in pretending everything "normal"
    1. Behavioral Problems
    1. Withdraw from relationships
      1. Real fear of being abandoned again

i. May be sign of depression over unresolved loss

b. Sometimes withdraw because of abuse but usually a shield to keep people at a distance

i. Most people will stop hugging if person always pulls away
    1. Aggressive behavior
      1. Anger at abandonment, abuse, and/or neglect of biological parents

        2. i. Adopted child is afraid to think about these deep feelings

      2. Sexual activity

        3. i. Seeking intimacy in inappropriate ways

      3. Fear of growing up and becoming independent

i. For adoptee, this may imply another abandonment so they will do things to make family want to kick them out
    1. Over-competency
      1. Self-sufficiency a virtue in our culture

i. Adopted child may be self-sufficient for wrong reasons including: feelings of anger, fear of being left out and other unresolved issues
    1. Separation anxiety
      1. As child reaches 18, fear moving out, getting a job and taking on adult responsibilities
      2. Manifest in childish, inappropriate and aggressive behavior

i. Because of idealized view of biological parents, may hope to be returned. Not a rejection of adoptive parents but confusion about their identity
    1. Delayed conscience development
      1. When an infant's basic needs are met consistently the child, over time, incorporates the values of the caretaker

        2. i. If child missed that, moral conscience may lag behind physical development

      2. How do you deal with a child in the body of a 16 year old but with the morals of a two year old?

i. With consistent, firm, and unconditional love
  1. Some Practical Help for the Adopted Adolescent
    1. Re-Contracting with the Adopted Adolescent

-Re-contracting is a means of reaffirming the value of the adopted child and their place in your home while recognizing their uniqueness and being sympathetic to their questions.

-Typical questions of adopted adolescent: "Why did my parents give me up?" and "How come I have to live with you?" May appear threatening, an act of defiance, or ungrateful questions considering all you have done.

    1. Tell the truth

      2. a. If you don't know, find out all the information possible about the birth parents and circumstance surrounding their adoption

    2. Don't give more than they can handle
      1. A toddler or pre-teen might not care about their biological parents but they need to know they were adopted.

i. Create an atmosphere so that when they are ready they will ask.
    1. Don't postpone answering questions
      1. What if they want to see their parents?

i. Usually just curious about details: what they look like, why gave up, what kind of new born was I, etc.

ii. Unless other arrangements made, no need for meeting until after they are adults. But keep track of parents address, physical condition and allow limited correspondence, if child can handle it
    1. Developmental Tasks
    1. For the Adoptive Parent
      1. Increasing flexibility of family boundaries

        2. i. Goal: achieve independence, not eviction

        ii. Re-affirm they are part of family even when they mess up

      2. Accept a different model of the family

        3. i. Adoptive family based on psychological bonding instead of genetic

        ii. Identify shared memories

      3. Accept adolescent's identity as a combination of biological base and adoptive upbringing

        4. i. There will be curiosity about biological heritage

      4. Maintain sexual and moral boundaries

i. Values are confused and adoptee confused about which path to take

ii. At various times family should agree again that the adoption is what they want. Real issue not sexual promiscuity or aggressive behavior but a sense or fear of rejection. It is easier to do the rejecting (by breaking rules or eliminating morals) than to be rejected
    1. For the Adopted Adolescent
      1. Confront your genetic and psychological differences

        2. i. Because of fear of hurting adoptive parents, child suppresses feelings and later "acts out" their emotional issues

      2. Accept the different model of a family you are in

        3. i. Adoption is a life-long process

      3. Form identity that integrates biology and upbringing

        4. i. Problem: child feels rejected by both worlds

      4. Achieve independence not eviction

i. Independence does not equal separation

Can adoption result in a happy home? Yes, but just as the adoption process requires extra work and effort to succeed, so too the guiding of an adopted adolescent through the teenage years requires extra work and effort. The problems are real. An openness that allows communication and expression is a healthy beginning to resolve those difficulties.

Further Reading

Benson, P. (1993). The troubled journey: A portrait of 6th - 12th grade youth.

Minneapolis, MN: Search

Berman, C. (1974). We take this child: a candid look at modern adoption. New York,

NY: Doubleday.

Falker, D. (1987). Adoption, beginning to end: A guide for christian parents. Baker Book

House

Linsay, J. & Monserrat, C. (1989). Adoption awareness: A guide for teachers, counselors,

nurses and caring others. Buena Park, CA: Morning Glory Press

Magid, K. & McKelvey, C. (1987). High risk: children without a conscience. New York,

NY: Bantam Books

Rosenberg, E. (1992). The adoption life cycle. New York, NY: The Free Press

Sandmaur, M. (1988). When love is not enough. Washington, D.C.: Child Welfare

League of America

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