Originally published in The Lookout, November 14, 1999

Second (and Third and Fourth) Chances at Parenting

by

John D. McArthur, Jr.

The phrase, "imperfect parent" is a redundant term. In spite of all our attempts to look good or to put on a false front, when we are honest with ourselves, we know we are not perfect. If you don't know it yet, wait until you have teenagers and they will be sure to point it out to you!

To say there is such a thing as imperfect parents suggests there can be perfect parents. Although we may long for such a family, reality reminds us there is no such creature in this world. Imperfection is not only the mark of a parent but is the standard all men and women must struggle with according to Romans 3:23.

As Christians, we realize that the only perfect parent is our heavenly Father. So what do we, who fall short in our skills, temperament, and patience, do when we recognize our imperfection? Obviously, the first step is to seek forgiveness (from God and our family) for any injustice or pain our sinful nature has caused. The next step would be to establish a "do-over."

Did you allow "do-over's" in your childhood? If your buddy messed up in a game you were playing you might let your friend do it over again. You would give your companion a second chance to do whatever it was you were doing. Counselors call this technique in family settings, "re-contracting." It means families agree that their relationship, although imperfect, is permanent.

Imperfection in parenting occurs at all stages of a child's development and growth and re-contracting is meant to keep the lines of communication open in families. This method not only allows parents to "do-over" mistakes they have made in rearing their children but it also re-affirms the parent's love for their child as the child moves from being a toddler to a teenager to adulthood.

There are four goals in re-contracting. First, the parent must be willing to give increasing flexibility of the family boundaries. When J.D. entered the third grade, he decided he no longer needed his "daddy" to pick him up after school. At first, I was crushed then I became defensive. "He's only 8," I told myself, "he isn't old enough to walk home by himself." Of course, I conveniently forgot that his older sisters were all walking home from school my themselves at that age.

So, we made a deal: Each day, he could walk a block or so from school and I would meet him and take him the rest of the way home. Eventually, he would be walking all the way home by himself. And I assured him that at any time, if he changed his mind, I would pick him up at school.

This extending of his boundaries has worked very well. The hardest part for me was missing him run up to my car, smiling and telling me about his day. But since this transition occurred, I still get the chance to hear about his day. I just get to hear about it in the comfort of my home instead of my car.

The second goal is to accept your family the way they are and not the way you would like them to be. My wife and I always loved school but our daughters really aren't interested in education. This has been a source of frustration for us. We want the girls to be thrilled with reading and gaining knowledge and to be excited about the prospect of going off to college. But they really aren't that enthusiastic about higher learning.

What we have come to accept is they are not (and really should not be) just like us. We would be thrilled if they go off to college but we have learned that the most important thing is that they remain faithful to God and mature in his love. And this can happen if they have a Ph.D. or just a high school diploma (or, God forbid, even less).

The third goal is to celebrate the fact that your children, contrary to our conscious and unconscious desires, are not just like you. They are individuals, created by God with free will. They can and will make their own decisions and may not always agree with your point of view.

The hardest skill of parenting is learning how to let go. Much of the struggles of the adolescent years involve the child seeking independence and the parent trying to draw the child closer. Most of us don't understand how to achieve this balance until after the child is grown and gone. This alone makes most parents imperfect.

Your child is not just like you. They may look like you, talk like you, walk like you and even have the same likes and dislikes as you but they are still different. They are not identical clones or pre-programmed robots. They will do a variety of things that you won't agree with. They may even reject your faith. That is not an indictment of your parenting skills but your child exercising his or her free will.

When your child rejects your values, it hurts more than any words can describe. I know because I have been there. The key to keeping your sanity is to realize it is not your fault. The child made the poor choice not because you were a bad parent but because of their own sinful nature. All you can do is to continue to love and pray for your child.

The fourth goal is to maintain boundaries consistent with your morals and beliefs. This is especially important if your child makes wrong choices. In spite of what the world teaches and what "everyone else does," you, as the parent, have the right to declare, "in this house, we will follow these rules." Your children do not have to accept it but they must follow the rules while living in your house. Some would teach that is being a bad parent but the truth is, allowing your children to parent themselves is real imperfect parenting.

This skill is sometimes called, "tough love." It is easier and takes less parenting to simply overlook or ignore your child's bad behavior. But if your child refuses to do his homework, you must refuse to let them watch TV. If they can't eat their vegetables they can't eat their dessert. And, the ultimate in maintaining boundaries: if they reject your values and get involved in illegal and dangerous activity, they cannot stay in your house. This isn't easy and I have had to perform the ultimate maintaining of boundaries. This does not mean I am a bad parent but it does mean I will not be the one enabling them to do things that are harmful or wrong.

When you attempt to maintain boundaries, you will find violent reaction. Not only will your children say it is unfair but ignorant people will also try to make you bend your rules to accommodate sin in your child. Starting today, sit down with your children and explain your boundaries. They may vary and change if they aren't matters of morality but the way to make discipline a little less difficult (if that is possible) is to make sure everyone understands the ground rules to begin with.

As you read this article you may be cognizant of your failure as a parent. But that was yesterday. Today is a new day and we have another chance at parenting. I wish I could end this article by saying I have completely incorporated this parenting style and have achieved perfection. Unfortunately, that is far from the truth. I am not a perfect parent. There are things in raising our children I wish I could change that I cannot change. But as long as God gives me another day, I will have another chance at attempting to be a perfect parent. Reality teaches me I will never achieve that goal but the joy of parenting comes is in the trying.