Between the 16th and the 20th September I was on holiday in Amsterdam with my lovely secretary and research assistant, Clare........
| This is me..... | And this is the lovely Clare | |
This page has three sections. The first is introductory stuff, the second is a bit of typical Drew wafflejustification. Feel free to move straight to the map and guide if you like - Click here to do so.
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Hash coffeeshops are a phenomenon just about unique to Amsterdam. (Which, by the way, is a fabulously pretty and laid-back city in its own right and well worth visiting even if you've never touched a spliff in your life.)
Basically, they are cafes or bars that sell cannabis (hash, weed, grass, dope, gear, SOFT DRUGS) openly, albeit discreetly. (For legal matters, see section 2 below.) The existence of the coffeeshops dates from the mid-1970s when the Dutch government embarked on a policy of toleration of cannabis use. There are now around 300 coffeeshops in Amsterdam, though because the selling of cannabis remains unlicensed, no-one knows the exact number. This guide describes 20 of them. I didn't sample hash products from every one, but I did smoke in every one.
In all the coffeeshops, "hash menus" are available detailing the choices; from bog-standard resin up to lethal "superskunk" weed. There is nothing seedy or underhand about buying from these places; it is perfectly natural and accepted. If you can't see the house dealer, just ask at the bar. All of them also sell other smoking paraphernalia such as papers and filters; usually they sell bongs (water-pipes), and souvenirs such as T-shirts as well. Some also sell "hash cookies", hash teas, and other edible highs. (Warning. Novices should definitely avoid eating or drinking hash products because the effects are much more unpredictable. Smoking hits you immediately so if you've had too much you can stop. If you eat it, it enters your system more slowly, so you may not know if you've had too much - or, worse, you may be tempted to have more on top before the first lot has been digested. You have been warned.)
It used to be the case that alcohol and hash were kept strictly apart. However, many of the coffeeshops now also sell alcohol, or have bars attached. Another warning therefore; be very wary of mixing alcohol and hash especially if you are inexperienced. If you're going to mix them, try taking the hash first. If you have your first spliff when you're already very drunk, you'll regret it.
This page has been written for a few reasons. First of all because I decided that I wanted to do it about four coffeeshops into the holiday and it gave me an excuse to go on a bit of a mission. Secondly that I needed practice at writing a webpage (this being my first!) for work reasons, and it gave me an excuse to do that, too.
But the main reason for writing it is as follows, and this also serves as both a disclaimer and a justification:
Just a few final words about the exact legal situation. Cannabis is not actually legal in the Netherlands, but its use is tolerated, and possession of amounts of 5 grams and under (about one-sixth of an ounce) is acceptable. However, coffeeshops are still raided by the police so DO NOT carry or deal in hard drugs within them and DO NOT carry weapons. You must also be over 18 to partake.
Here's a good link to a webpage with a lot more on the drugs policy of the Netherlands.
Right, enough of this boring crap, you're sending me to sleep.......
Scores for each coffeeshop are given out of 10 and except where noted are the average of my score and Clare's (who doesn't tend to smoke). It's worth pointing out at this stage that I do definitely lean towards the old hippy geezer end of the scale in what I like so judge the scores accordingly. Laddish, boozy smokers might like to reverse the scale. (But not for Cum Laude (14) which really is shite.) Full addresses are given for most of them, but this information was not always available.
Click on a number to read that coffeeshop's review:
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |
| 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 |
Click here to go to the Hall of Fame at the end.
Note - this is very far from being a definitive map of Amsterdam. There are lots of streets missing. If you're going, for God's sake don't try and use this one to get around.
The odyssey starts here. Recommended by Lawnmower Deth, dodgy heavy-metal band who know of what they speak Amsterdamwise. I scored here, and very nice it was too, excellent value (4g of skunk for 50 guilders, which is 15 quid). A noisy, vibrant and slightly touristy cafe. Serves hash milkshakes and cookies.
Score: 6 out of 10.
Go back to the map.The Bulldog was the first hash coffeeshop in Amsterdam, established in the red-light district in 1975. That Bulldog is still there; but the company have expanded, and now own a budget hotel and bars as well as this coffeeshop in the Leidseplein, the main boozing centre of Amsterdam. This is thus one of the most high-profile coffeeshops in the city and it's no real surprise that it's loud, touristy, crowded, commercial and full of "first-timers". I've nothing against first-timers, I mean we were all there once weren't we. But then again we were all first-years at school as well and we all know they're irritating little shits.
Score: 3 out of 10.
Go back to the map.Now this is more like it. After a cultural morning spent in the art museums, this was the best possible way to take a smoke. Looks and feels like a traditional "brown cafe"; wooden walls, old men playing chess, newspapers to read, windows expressly designed to be utterly impossible to see out of. An incredibly friendly barman, who won extra points for recommending a damn good spot for lunch. Bob Marley on the stereo and a f***ing enormous selection of different kinds of gear. (The name, by the way, means "The Second Room". Dunno where the first room is.)
Score: 9 out of 10.
Go back to the map.A bit like a transport caff, cheap 'n' cheerful, but pleasant enough. Serves beer and very nice biscuits with the tea, incidentally. And that's another thing - it was so bloody nice to come to Amsterdam and not be looked at like a complete nutter when I order mint tea, or any other fruit tea for that matter. Not only that but the price was the same as any other tea. How unbelievably sensible. Anyway, Dutch Flowers. Not much to say about this place but it does have the distinction of being the place where I decided to start keeping notes on all these. This guide was born here! You could visit it for this reason alone, but bear in mind that it does have a large wooden clog outside. I didn't actually see a windmill cliche, but there's probably one around somewhere.
Score: 6.5 out of 10.
Go back to the map.Very like a pub. In fact, so amazingly like a pub, that it is a pub. If you didn't know you could partake here you could easily miss it. I don't like the "pubby" ones. Somehow it doesn't feel right to me. But, as I've said, I'm a crusty old hippy fart. Mind you, you'd expect even a half-decent pub to be able to serve you a glass of Coca-cola that wasn't syrupy enough to hold a spoon upright, regardless of whether you could smoke a big bifter at the bar. Crap. And I saw someone wearing Tommy Hilfiger within. Bleugh.
Score: 2 out of 10.
Go back to the map.Now, this is the point where the mission really kicked in. At 11 am it's hardly surprising that this place was pretty empty, but it's quite pleasant: homely, cosy, like someone's kitchen actually. Wins points big-style for having 43 types of tea and also being very cheap: most drinks and snacks under a quid.
Score: 7 out of 10 (Drew's score only. Clare was off looking at Anne Frank's old place, which let's face it is a far more spiritually fulfilling experience. Or maybe not. It depends whether you like being surrounded by fat German tourists I suppose.)
Go back to the map.Keeping up the pace. Clare still at Anne's. This place was the one most like a wine bar or bistro, the sort of place you can imagine the Harvey Nicks habituees hanging out. But nice all the same, lots of light and plants. Good music, and also the only place in all of Amsterdam, it seems, with a female dealer. Sells lots of books on cannabis cultivation and history.
Score: 8 out of 10 (Still Drew only.)
Go back to the map.Didn't like this one. Another pub, with dodgy Eurorock being played too loudly on the stereo. Also this place had by far the most irritating dealer. Dealers in coffeeshops are cool dudes who sit in the corner all day and wait for the little innocent tourists to come up and whisper, "listen, can I get some, y'know, POT here?". Dealers should NOT be irritating f***wits who come up to you every ten minutes and say in the most stupid Euroaccent "hey man, wanna get HIGH?!". Of course I do you stupid little tosser, that's why I'm HERE, and that's also why I'm sitting here with three grams of skunk in front of me that I bought SOMEWHERE ELSE so will you please go away and leave me in peace?!?
Score: 3 out of 10.
Go back to the map.As you might imagine it was becoming quite a heavy afternoon at this point but we managed to take in one more before retiring the hotel for a short siesta. This was also a bar, but better than some of the others, more friendly-looking. Not really the "coffeeshop experience" though. And it has incredibly dodgy toilets. You know that film "The Fly"?....
Socre: 5 out of 10(was 6 until I went to the Gents').
Go back to the map.Great decor: sort of enchanted forest with a hint of wine bar. Decent, laid-back sort of place. My notes say "grim toilets" but I must admit I remember very little about this place. The face that the notes are written round the edge of a Heineken beermat is probably not unconnected to this phenomenon.
Score: 6.5 out of 10.
Go back to the map.There are two Rokerijs. A few of the coffeeshops have established chains, and some do fall prey to "chain pub" syndrome (in other words, being bland and crap). But the two Rokerijs are really cool. Comments made about this one must be judged with regard to the fact that by the time we left here at about 11 pm I was absolutely BLITZED. But this place was cool, great decor (best in the city in our opinion), almost a bit too self-consciously hippyshit but it just about gets away with it, a very serene place (but that could just have been because I was no longer capable of rational thought). A friendly dealer and a great view of the river and illuminated buildings on the other side. A good experience and Clare's first toke of the holiday.......
Score: 8.5 out of 10.
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Incidentally, in case you were wondering, we didn't spend all our time doing the coffeeshops. After this we staggered over to the Melkweg, semi-legendary club near the Leidseplein (with its own coffeeshop, by the way). However, like all semi-legendary places, it's nowhere near as good as its legend. Very commercialised. So in the end we staggered back to the hotel and watched Lolita dubbed into German. I was so caned I understood it.
Go back to the map.Order breakfast in bed. Bellboy arrives with it at 10:00 am. Open door, put breakfast on table, pass out again. Eventually stagger out of hotel at about noon. Hair of the dog is only option so have nice walk in pleasant weather along the river and find this place (which, by the way, is one of three or four Greenhouses, but the only one we visited). Soothing decor, cocktail bar jazz on the stereo, and best of all, a sign saying "no mobile phones"!! Couldn't have asked for anything better.
Score: 8 out of 10.
Go back to the map.After a ramble through the flea market that occupies the northern side of Waterlooplein and some sugar- coated pancakes for lunch (yummy), find this place. Very male-dominated, rock music, 80s modernist decor. Not at all helped by being in the equivalent of the Headingley Arndale Centre. There's an outdoor seating area, but smoke there and the proprietor will throw a fit, which kind of defeats the object really. Clare didn't like this one at all, which pushes the score down.
Score: 4.5 out of 10.
Go back to the map.Like pubs, coffeeshops cater to a whole range of markets. There are the quieter, more serene places. There are the technotrance hippy places. There are the rock 'n' roll places. There are the laddish boozers. There are great coffeeshops, and good ones, and mediocre ones, and downright bad ones. Then there is Cum Laude. Cum Laude is nothing more than the equivalent of that grotty Chinese takeaway that the fourth-years at secondary school hang out in on the way home because they think it's cool. Or the scabby little amusement arcade in that dreadfully bleak shopping precinct tucked away behind the garages in that council estate down the road that all the tough kids stay away from for fear of their sanity. It is a bizarre red-and-white plastic hell where everyone looks at you like that bit in American Werewolf ("You made me drop it! I've never dropped a spliff before......") and has no redeeming features whatsoever. At all.
Score: 0 out of 10.
Go back to the map.Much bigger than the other Rokerij, and more mainstream; sells beer, a bit more touristy, louder music, that sort of thing. Still with a strong Eastern hippy flavour, and candlelit. Far and away the best of the big touristy coffeeshops and recommended as a starting point for anyone wanting to get the best introduction to this coffeeshop thing.
Score: 8.5 out of 10.
Go back to the map.Two days of continuous substance abuse had left me with a real hangover of the soul this morning. A walk in the park helped, but it was well into the afternoon before I could face skinning up. All in all, Abraxas probably wasn't the best place to face in that state. Not least because the upper floor is made of glass, and a walk to the toilets is definitely not recommended for those with vertigo (or easily-embarrassed women in short skirts). It's also down a grubby alley, looks like a building site and has scary staff.
Score: 3.5 out of 10.
Go back to the map.Nothing special when we first walked in but hidden away up a ladder is a tiny balcony that is totally different in style and atmosphere from the rest of the place. (The pictures of us both at the top of this webpage were taken here.) Ella Fitzgerald was on the stereo and the whole atmosphere was great - although it did change later when dodgy disco replaced our Ell'. So it got a bit marked down, but is probably still worth a brief visit. Sit upstairs!
Score: 7.5 out of 10.
Go back to the map.The first time we passed this joint it was being raided by the police. This apparently happens occasionally. As said above, as long as you're not ballbustingly stupid enough to hold or use hard drugs or weapons, and are over 18, you have nothing to worry about. Anyway, we passed it again on this last evening of the holiday and thought we'd give it another go; it's OK, a bit scruffy and nothing particularly special. An extra point for very comfy seats, however. Incidentally, I take no responsibility whatsoever for the accidental pun in the first sentence of this review. Must have it on the brain.
Score: 5.5 out of 10.
Go back to the map.Not all the coffeeshops are in the centre of Amsterdam by any means. Indeed, the ones that are outside the main canal ring (bounded by the Singelgracht canal and the main road called Stadhouderskade) are more likely to be frequented by Amsterdammers rather than Americans inspired by the opening scene of Pulp Fiction. (Or, indeed, specky English PhD students who think anyone will be interested in hearing about the time they went to Amsterdam and did twenty coffeeshops in five days. Man.) This is one of them, tucked away behind the Heineken Brewery. Cafe-like, with a pool table, TV and chart music. Also has up-to-date newspapers, including English editions.
Score: 6.5 out of 10 - but only really worth it if you're staying quite near by.
Go back to the map.The biggest disappointment of the whole holiday. This was my first ever coffeeshop, back in 1990, and I had suitably Mellow memories of the place, so decided to make it the final stop on this odyssey. The barperson asked us when we walked in if we wanted to score (I don't like that), but I said no, I already had some. Then as I skinned up he told us that we could only smoke stuff we had bought there!! Listen - NO OTHER COFFEESHOP IN AMSTERDAM enforces this rule, regardless of what he tried to bluster at us. No wonder the place was f***ing empty. I just went, "well, sod you then" and we left and went back to the Rokerij (no. 11) which was a far more pleasant way to spend the last night of the holiday. And my answer to Mr. Mellow Yellow - well, I implore anyone reading this to make a point of not going there!
Score: -10 out of 10 for being an arsehole.
Go back to the map.Honourable mentions: Sensi Seeds, Greenhouse.
Crapness personified: Cum Laude, Mellow Yellow.
First timer award for novices: the Leidseplein Rokerij would be my recommendation for anyone's first coffeeshop. The two ahead of it are smaller and quieter and anyone visiting one for the first time probably wouldn't take to them, but the Leidseplein Rokerij has it all. Go here first.
Clare's award for best decorated coffeeshop: the Amstel Rokerij. Second: Dampkring.
Drew's award for best tea: Rusland.