Disclaimer: Paramount knows I don't make any profit from these stories. I merely require them for the tale. This is a very personal story which is easier to place into these characters. Comments and feedback are welcome.

Rating: PG

It had been nearly three hours since she had pulled the soft sheets over her body but still the sleep did not overtake her. She had turned onto her side, the one she favored when laying down but tonight each time she'd close her eyes the very sound of her heartbeat would keep her awake.

And that was when the thoughts came.

Whenever the ship was not in any immediate danger nor the crew acting odd nor the villains being pests... the mind had moments to ponder. It was during these silent moments of the evening that she would reflect on her life and think long and hard.

Kathryn shifted again and now lay on her back. Her left hand came to a stop over her stomach and she absently caressed it through the cotton sheet and her pj's. When she had been younger, the idea of carrying a child within this same belly had not often crossed her mind.

But in these quiet moments, she secretly wished she had known what it was like to hear her child's heartbeat; to feel her breasts grow tender with the filling milk; to caress this belly and know that beneath layers of flesh her child grew.

A lump came to her throat and her eyes grew watery. Those had not been the cards she had been dealt. Never had she regretted being Captain and now was hardly the moment to begin... but sometimes ...

Sometimes her heart wished she was able to have had a little girl to wear all those frilly and cute dresses her own Mother had made her wear on occasions. The ones that had matching little bows and tiny socks that were too cute for anyone but a small child to wear. A daughter who she could sit on her lap and make those perky ponytails that she herself had had to wear. How she would loved to have seen her baby girl transform into a young lady and begin to fall in love with young men, discover the wonders of becoming a woman.

Kathryn thought about a son who would have probably climbed the trees in the backyard of her Mother's home in Indiana and dug up worms to throw at little girls he liked but would never admit to that. Kathryn gave a sad laugh when she remembered the way her once young neighbors had done that. She could almost picture the scars and "booboo"s her son would have had from all the adventures he would have gotten himself into. Would he have had red hair and tiny freckles across his nose?

Kathryn threw the covers off and sat up in her bed. She reached across to turn on the lamp on the side of her bed and accidently actived the commbadge. It was too many long hours until the workday began and she was too wound up now. Crossing over to the replicator in the next room, she requested a warm glass of milk.

She sipped it as she walked around in a circle within her living room trying to in some small way work off the tension she felt coming on. It was hardly the first time she'd come to wish she could have a counselor to talk to but even if one was on board, chances were good that she'd never use them either. Kathryn was a survivor and giving into this weakness would have made her too human.

But, in all honesty, she was afraid to let others come too close.

For a quick moment she considered talking to Chakotay but it was so late and to burden him with these intimate dilemmas was just not her way.

Her neck muscles now hurt from the pressures that seemed to press down on her mind. *I won't be able to sleep if I keep this up. * Walking past the table, she was deep in thought while placing the empty glass atop it and stubbed her toes against the metal stand. The loud yelp that escaped her ended in a babble of cursed words while she stood there on one foot and rubbed it to ease the pain.

Suddenly her commbadge, on the side of her bed, chirped. "Chakotay to Captain Janeway."

His voice was groggy but there was no denying him.

Kathryn limped the short distance and touched it. "Yes, Chakotay?" The pain was fierce now and she bit her lip to try to hold it in.

"Captain, I heard some loud noises from your commbadge. It seems you activated it accidently. Are you all right?" he sounded a bit more alert now.

"I did?" she asked him. "Never mind! I'm fine. Merely stubbed my two front toes."

A soft chuckle came over the commbadge. "Sorry to hear that. May I ask why you were walking around when it's this late?"

She grimaced and thought about actually telling him. Oh the temptation of spilling her heart out to him was ever so great. "I had some personal demons that reared their heads tonight. But I'll be fine." She said this but her foot still hurt to high Heaven.

The sounds of someone moving around on a mattress came over the link.

Then Chakotay said, "I'm heading to your room. Please be dressed when I arrive."

Kathryn could not believe him until she heard the door chime and skipped around on one leg as she got her robe. Once it was on she let him enter.

Standing there in a large shirt and long loose fitting pants, short hair completely disheveled and his eyes looking sleepy, Chakotay still looked good enough to nibble on.

"Hi," he said as he made his way to her sofa.

"Hello," she replied, hobbling over to plop herself down besides him, looking straight ahead.

For a long moment neither spoke until he looked down at her bare feet and asked, "Which one did you stub?"

Kathryn turned to look at him and pointed to the still hurting digits.

He went and sat on the floor, picked up her foot and began to gently massage it. Long seconds became longer moments as he simply rubbed first one toe, then another and moved to the pad of her foot. Something inside of Kathryn fluttered to life and again her eyes grew misty with this ever so gentle touch. Her earlier thoughts made her think of this gentle giant caring for a child in this same way.

Trying to ease the tension she tried to joke. "I can't recall if Starfleet has any mention of this in their regulations."

Chakotay remained silent even though the corner of his mouth gave her a lopsided smile while his onyx eyes asked a million questions.

Kathryn's eyes looked at his hands while they caressed her. Thinking about the gentle ways he had always shown her, the patience he gave everyone who came to him and her tongue began to lose its battle for silence.

"This won't be easy for me to talk about." Her voice faltered for a second and then she continued, "I was just laying here and thinking about something I've missed out on in my life. I've never regretted much in my life, was taught that regrets don't do much but fester like an old wound. But tonight for some reason I came to realize that missed out on motherhood and those feelings when a woman is carrying her child and everything that comes afterwards."

"Even though this crew in many ways are my children it's not the same thing. Someone many years from now will remember the Captain, this mission, our adventures and the crew but there isn't anyone for me to call my own flesh and blood. Sometimes I'll find myself staring at Naomi and my heart breaks. I missed out on that, Chakotay. And it hurts."

Her hands came up and cupped the empty air. "I'm just a woman and sometimes I forget that. I may control this ship, care about and protect my crew, and have my beliefs but what does it all mean if tomorrow I die? Nothing. It means nothing because decades down the line I am dead and my legacy does not exist."

She took a deep breath and avoided looking at his face. *If I don't look at him I won't cry.*

By now his hands had stilled on her foot and Kathryn wiggled her toes. "Thank you for listening," she told him. "The pain has lessened."

They both knew that she didn't completely mean the pain about her foot either.

Chakotay looked at her sitting there, her hands now sitting on her lap while her eyes had a haunted look and finally he spoke. "Perhaps you won't have a child with your color hair or blue eyes but you do have a legacy, Kathryn. Even if it is within Starfleet rather than with an offspring, you have done more for these people on board than most others I know. And the many worlds we have come into contact with also bear your touch. There are races out here that will forever be thankful for you having come this way. Don't think that you are alone in these personal thoughts of yours, Kathryn. Sometimes I lay in bed as well and wonder about my life and my losses and decisions I have made. No one is perfect. And regret is merely a stepping stone in our life. It makes us continue." He smiled as he stood up and sat besides her once more.

With two fingers beneath her chin he turned her face towards him and gently wiped her eyes, forcing her to look into his while he did so. They shared a smile and then with a tender tug on her robe Chakotay pulled her down until her head came to rest on his shoulder and her cheek lay against his neck. His fingers tangled in her short hair and he began to massage her tense neck.

"My people have a legend," he began and felt her smile against his collarbone and then sigh softly as he continued to weave his tale while the stars continued to shine outside.

The end.