Hoh boy... I felt depression setting in last night. Got all sorts of signs:
Boredom
General low feeling
Frustration over little things
Unwillingness to forgive
Difficulty concentrating on anything
Desire to find easy entertainment
Longing for friends but often finding little comfort once I find them
Loneliness and a drive to "fix" it
Fun, no? I came home last night and debated whether I should pray or head over to the guys' place. Guys' place. When I got there, there was nobody around, so I thought again, perfect opportunity: pray or entertain myself? Too hard to pray. Entertainment. Once I got home later, I debated: pray or diddle on the computer? ... eh... both. I tried to pray, but I just couldn't get into it, really. My brain was scattered, and I couldn't focus on much for any length of time. I got through everything I have committed myself to pray for, but halfheartedly on some of it. *sigh* I'm a sad, sad little man.
But there was some light in the tunnel. While I was praying, I was reminded of Psalm 40:2, "He lifted me out of the slimy pit." I pleaded with him to do just that, and there was some. But I forsook what he told me to do about it - too hard. Yeah, maybe it was. But whose strength am I relying on anyway? He did lift me a little ways. There was visible daylight for a while.
Then this morning, I woke up feeling pretty down again. That's twice now that I've woken up just before my alarm went off, decided to go back to sleep, and then had the alarm go off just later enough for me to not really get back to sleep. It's disconcerting and irritating. That probably had something to do with the down-ness this morning.
But in time, things have gradually gotten better. At least in the morning. We'll see how it goes this afternoon. I'm again reminded of G. K. Chesterton's comment that God, willing to endure monotony, has the insatiable appetite (and thus joy) of youth, "for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we." Reminded me to find joy where I can, even if it is in the puffy clouds over the horizon.
Am I babbling at this point? Maybe I should stop...
I should have stayed home tonight. I would have come away a much happier man.
Once back from work today, I decided to hit Barnes & Nobles to grab a few gifts for people. Drove all the way out there to find that they had none of the books that I wanted. Cost me 2 bucks for parking and prolly a buck fifty in gas to determine that. So I thought, well, I'll try the Christian bookstore. Everything I'm looking for is Christian, so why not try that? So I drive home to find out the address and get a map, and then drive up to Glendale... First, both Yahoo and Mapquest gave me the silliest route possible, making the drive tedious and long. Along the way, I managed to block 2 lanes of traffic because a gaggle of idiots decided that they just HAD to run across the street while the light was yellow. Get to the store... there's an enormous bus blocking the only entrance to the parking lot. What the!? Fine... I'll find street parking. Finally arrive in the store and look around. Oh, yes. I forgot. This store uses the "Well, it works in my head" system of organization. Christian Living is organized by title? Can't find anything. Ask the cashier: Do you have Granny Brand? Doesn't even show in the computer. How about In His Image? No. Conformed to His Image? No. Soul Survivor? Wonderfully Made? The Gift of Pain? No. ... ... I was tempted to ask at this point, "What DO you carry here?" but I thought that would be rude. Okay, go home. On the way, I take my own route which proves twice as fast as the insanity the internet gave me, but along the way, I'm accosted by 3 different cars determined to sit in my blind spot, 2 who are completely oblivious to my turn signals when the exit is coming up, 3 who tailgated me so closely I couldn't even see their headlights, and about a dozen with their brights on, blinding the heck out of me. Thank God I'm home. The oblivion of sleep will be a blessing.
Okay, so the trip wasn't a TOTAL loss, though. I did manage to pick up a recent copy of "Discipleship Journal", which I've been looking for for a while in order to determine the kinds of things they look for in freelance writers. I doubt anybody will accept anything I write, but what the heck I'll give it a shot. I also took a moment to scan the art-type stuff, and I've come to the conclusion that my work is pretty unique, at least in the Christian realm (or at least in that particular store). That's encouraging because it might mean I have a niche. Of course, it might also mean that nobody is interested in my stuff, but I'll try to take the positive view on this one. I suppose I could also add that I discovered that The Grove is a lousy shopping center, and I now know never to go there. It contributes to something... it's just terribly negative in the process.
Feh... I should talk about the latest with the guy whose friend was killed, but right now, I just wanna sleep...
Told you this wouldn't be constant...
Funny how it happens... One day you just turn around and you suddenly realize that you're about 13 light years away from God. Okay, so it's not that bad, but I'm not where I ought to be. I'm not even where I've been. And it shows. I've been snippy to people at times, reluctant to spend time the way I ought to... I've been watching my arrogance grow lately, but I haven't known how to stop it. I've never taken steps to actually do anything about it. And I've begun to care more about myself than other people again. Not that that's anything new; that's a constant battle, but it's one that I'm losing more frequently lately. *sigh*
Thinking about it a little, I guess I have known this was creeping in. I just haven't been able to stem the tide. Or maybe I haven't tried all that hard. I sort of live by the philosophy that things'll work out. Maybe so, but things'll probably work out better when we actually DO SOMETHING... "Go to the ant, you sluggard," I just read this morning. Should pay more attention to that.
Been rereading Colson's Loving God because I didn't feel like I really had a grasp on the thesis of the book when I went through it a month ago. Obedience, he says, is how we love God. That's the crux of it. I've been lacking that. Playing Pharisee, doing what I'm supposed to, but not doing it from the right motives. I need that heart back. Maybe being laid off tomorrow is exactly what I need - to give me time to readjust my perspective.