"If you don't have a map, you don't know where you're going"

by Shellie R. Warren

You know, we all have wives tales, family sayings, over-saturated quotes that have been passed down from generation to generation. I was certainly no exception, although I'm sure most of the quotes that I heard from my mother were originals. I always say that if my mother were alive in Biblical times, she would have her own book of the Bible, "Gail 1:1", not because she's perfect but because she's spiritual. And one of the quotes that she is most famous for is, "if you don't have a map, you don't know where you're going".

Looking back, I really should not be surprised that I'm a writer. I came from a household that was full of writings. When my mother was proud of me, she wrote a letter. When she was disappointed, she did the same. She always encouraged communication and believed that writing was most effective because you could properly articulate your thoughts that way. But she also believed that writing served another purpose.

My mother was also one for writing lists. She would write one when going to the grocery store. One when she was outlining a new song or story to tell. And one when she was praying and asking God for her covenant partner. Although her companion is not my biological father, he is an answer to prayer and she believes that this is partcially due to her written desires, her list, her "map" so-to-speak.

I wish I had followed her instruction sooner than later.

When I reflect on my past relationships (if you wanna call them that), there is one thing they all have in common. They are all missing something from my "list". See, I listened to my mother when she said to make a map to know where to go, I just never followed it. Although there are many things that my heart desired in the form of journal entries, three specifics were at the top of my list and should have never been up for negoitation, yet they were the main ones that I compromised time and time again. My list started off with something like this:

1. A spiritual leader

2. An attentive man with no rebound baggage

3. A man whose parents remained married

Now, ask me how many men in my past had all three of these qualities? None of them and it got me in trouble every time. The reason why these three things are so imporatant to me is because I (personally) feel that they are vital ingredients to a healthy relationship.

For one, no man can lead you unless he follows God. I can't tell you how many times I've compromised that virtue. Everytime I met a new "the one", my mother would ask, "Shellie, is he saved" and I would reply, "...uh, he goes to church". Looking back that is about all they did. Sure, they knew the Word, but applying it and expecting the same from me was far and few between. One to be exact.

The attentive thing is because I am what is known as a "co-dependent in recovery" (another coin phrase I received from my mother). I figured that as long as they were happy, I would be because keeping them happy was all that mattered. Turned out the more I did, the more unhappy both he and I were. He felt love suffocated and I felt love abandoned.

Now, the third thing, you may not understand or even agree with, but hear me out. The people that I have had the healthiest relationships with have parents who are still in healthy marriages. It has been my experience that these people’s approach to life is very different. They are not as quick to run from conflicts, disagreements and bad times, because it has been modeled for them how to stick it out. Most of the men I have "fallen" for do not even know where there fathers are.

Yet and still, they had other things that I desired. They were intelligent, funny, charismatic…fine. Who cared that my map clearly said to go right? Going left felt so right. That is until I started getting lost. Sure the relationships all began bright and clear, but as it started getting dark, I began to stumble, confused and uncertain of where to go, which caused me to get nowhere fast. But my mother did say that "if you don't have a map, you don't know where you're going", right?

So, as people often do when they are lost on a road trip with everyone but them knowing that they don't know where they are, I had to swallow my pride, admit I didn't have the slightest idea of where I was and go back to the last place I remembered. For me, that was being single, spending time in prayer, getting a grip on myself, taking the focus off of what a man wanted in me, so that I could begin concentrating on what I wanted from me. This newfound clarity brought a joy into my life that I had never known, causing me to no longer stumble down the road of life, but skip, hop, run down it resulting in me getting to greater destinations, which ultimately led to...him.

Him. Him. Who is him? The one who checks off on my list. It's funny, but sometimes you can be so focused on getting to the next exit in life, that you miss the scenery. See, this "him" is not my fiance, nor my husband (yet), but he is someone who fits the bill. He's spiritual, he's so attentive, his parents are married AND he's intelligent, funny, charismatic and fine. He is what I asked God for, but in the past had settled because I didn't believe he would come. He is a promise fulfilled. God told me that if I delighted in Him, He would give me the desires of my heart. Which means that if I would just follow Him (the way, the truth, the light) that he would bring me him (and ironically his name means "the light of God"). After much unnecessary pain and heartache, I have learned to follow instructions which led me to a beautiful destination...him.

Now, I know better than to jump the gun. Who knows what God ultimately has for me or this young man, but this new relationship certainly proves that God is faithful, that one does not have to lower their standards to appease people or a time clock and that some old sayings if applied, result in true happiness. My Christ-centered map, has led me to a place so different from where I've been. A place that is happy, serene, peaceful and I am beginning to apply these kind of directions to all areas of my life. So, take this time to think about something your mother may have told you and then use it. Remember, she's been somewhere that you haven't, so her advice, instructions, her "map" may do you some good.

Remember, "if you don't have a map, you don't know where you're going".