Are You Equally Yoked?
by Lorne McDonald
The Bible says two cannot walk together unless they agree. It also warns against a man and women being unevenly yoked together. If either situation exists, the only fruit borne will be that of dissension and bitterness, and the family will be dysfunctional. I know this for a fact because I witnessed the unequal pairing of my maternal grandparents and the bitter fruit born to them. My grandfather was a church-going man, a reverend by title, but the teachings of the Bible never seemed to reach his heart nor manifest in his life. A frustrated man with low self-esteem, he often took this frustration out on his family, not through violence but with disabling emotional abuse towards his wife and children. He made them feel inadequate and unwanted, even if this was not his intent. His children often suspected that his lack of esteem came from his trying to measure against his brother and sister, who were college graduates (a doctor and educator, respectively), while he was a high school dropout. He always resented that he never made a success of his life.
Where my grandfather was arrogant and dictatorial, my grandmother was the meek peacekeeper who shied away from confrontation even when it was needed. Saved and sanctified, she believed in subservience to her husband, misreading scripture that told women to subject themselves totally to their husbands. But as one minister had wisdom to point out recently, there are checks and balances to that scripture. If the wife subjects herself, the husband is to love her as he love his own flesh. And as the Bible admonishes never to give heed to a fool, a wife is not obligated to follow after one. But those teachings were not stressed back in my grandmother’s day, so she stayed with my grandfather to her detriment and that of her children. Instead of unconditional love, they received criticism from a bullying father and Bible verses from a mother who would not stand up for them against him. My grandparents did not walk in agreement, but rather in intimidation and fear.
The deleterious effect of this marriage on my aunts and uncles is still evident today. Although they are in their 60’s and 70’s, they are emotionally stunted, holding on to childhood resentments that keep them years in the past instead of wholly living in the present. They suffered throughout their lives from a lack of confidence in themselves. Many of them were underachievers - one uncle became a felon, stealing or conning and getting caught for both; a couple of my aunts subsisted on welfare, letting fear keep them from facing the work world; other uncles moved from one money-making scheme to another, hoping to make it big, but not quite making it. My mother and another aunt fared a bit better, becoming financially independent, achieving some accoutrements of comfort and success, but both never really appreciated their skills or abilities. There was always that everpresent nagging voice that told them they weren’t good enough. That voice belongs to the ghost of my grandfather and seems to dog their steps even now. As for my generation, we also fared a little better, but the family curse has managed to touch some of us. Regrettably, my aunts and uncles never knew the strength-instilling force of unconditional love; they saw my grandmother’s love as weak and my grandfather’s love as nearly non-existent and they have suffered for this.
I divulged this painful family past to point out how important it is that a woman and man stand together equally yoked, with love and respect for one another. If a woman settles for a man just for the sake of having someone in her life, or marry someone just to be married, she may find that she has yoked herself to someone physically and/or emotionally abusive, someone who tears down her esteem and that of her children. As the Bible said, darkness cannot co-exist with light, so make sure when you choose someone with whom to walk life’s path, that you find someone who stands in agreement with you with all the love, strength and blessing that God has to give. And as it is promised, your fruit will be bountiful and prosperous.