Study Tips/Inspirational: Tips on Self-Assertion

Tips on Self-Assertion

Ten Types of Assertive Responses

ASSERTIVE TALK: Do not let others take advantage of your rights. Insist upon being treated with fairness and justice. Examples: "I was here first," "I'd like more coffee please.," "Excuse me, but I have another appointment," "please turn down the radio." or "This steak is well-done and I ordered it medium-rare."
FEELING TALK: Express your likes and dislikes spontaneously. Be frank about your feelings. Do not bottle emotions. Answer questions honestly. Example: "What a marvelous shirt!" "I'm tired as hell," "Since you asked, I much prefer you in another type of outfit."
GREETING TALK: Be outgoing and friendly with people whom you would like to know better. Do not avoid people because of shyness, because you do not know what to say. Smile brightly at people. Look and sound pleased to see them. Examples: "Hi, how are you?" "Hello, I haven't seen you in months." "What are you doing with yourself these days?" How do you like working at _______ ?" "Taking any good courses?" "What's been happening with so and so?"
DISAGREEING PASSIVELY AND ACTIVELY: When you disagree with someone, do not feign agreement for the sake of "keeping the peace" by smiling, nodding, or paying close attention. Change the topic. Look away. Disagree actively and emotionally when you are sure of your ground.
ASKING WHY: When you are asked to do something that does not sound reasonable or enjoyable by a person in power or authority, ask why you should do it. You are an adult and should not accept authority alone. Request explanations from teachers, relatives and other authority figures that are convincing. Have it understood that you will live up to voluntary commitments and be open to reasonable suggestions, but that you are not to be ordered about at anyone's whim.
TALKING ABOUT ONESELF: When you have done something worthwhile or interesting, let others know about it. Let people know how you feel about things. Relate your experiences. Do not monopolize conversations, but do not be afraid to bring them around to yourself when it is appropriate.
AGREEING WITH COMPLIMENTS: Do not depreciate yourself or become flustered when someone compliments you with sincerity. At the very least, offer an equally sincere "Thank you." Or reward the complimenter by saying, "That's an awfully nice thing to say. I appreciate it." In other words extend compliments. For example: If someone says, "What a beautiful sweater!" respond, "Isn't it a lovely color? I had a hard time finding it."
AVOIDING TRYING TO JUSTIFY OPINIONS: Be reasonable in discussions, but when someone goes out of his way to dominate a social interaction by taking issue with any comments you offer, say something like, "Are you always so disagreeable?" or "you seem to have a great deal invested in being right regardless of what you say, don't you?"
LOOKING PEOPLE IN THE EYE: Do not avoid the gaze of others. When you argue, express an opinion, or greet a person, look him or her directly in the eye.
SAYING NO: When a request is unreasonable, when you feel your rights are being denied, or when you feel you are being taken for granted, say "No" and persist in your no. Offer other suggestions of other places the request might be met. Offer an explanation but don't explain to the point of defensiveness. Examples: "No. I need to study right now." "I realize that this is an important cause and I certainly wish you the best of luck in getting volunteers, but I must say no."

Guideline for Behaving Assertively

When expressing refusal, express a decisive "no"; explain why you are refusing, but don't be unduly apologetic. Where applicable, offer the other person an alternative course of action.
Give as prompt and brief a reply as you can, without interruptions.
Insist on being treated with fairness and justice
Request an explanation when asked to do something unreasonable.
Look the person you're talking to in the eye. Check your other body language for things that might convey indirectness or lack of self-assurance (e.g., hand over mouth, shuffling feet). Watch your voice tone and inflection, making sure that it is neither a sub-audible whisper nor overly loud.
When expressing annoyance or criticism, remember: Comment on the person's behavior, rather than attack him/her.
When commenting on another's behavior, try to use "I statements": Example: "When you keep cancelling out on social arrangements at the last minute, it's extremely inconvenient and I feel really annoyed." Where possible, offer a suggestion for an alternative behavior. ("I think we'd better sit down and try to figure out how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of inconveniencing.")
Keep a log of your assertion-related responses; review them, talk them over with a friend. Watch good models.
Tackle less anxiety-evoking situations first; don't leap into the most emotionally-laden situation you can think of right away! You don't unlearn bad habits, or learn new skills, overnight.
Reward yourself in some way each time you've pushed yourself to make an assertive response - whether or not you get the desired results from the other person.
Don't beat yourself over the head when you behave nonassertively or aggressively; merely try to figure out where you went astray and how to improve your handling of the situation next time.