She was a friend of a friend –or a girlfriend of a friend actually. He was someone I hung out with and gave rides to in my car; a friend. I gave him and his girlfriend a ride home a few times and I couldn’t help but to notice how sweet and cute his girlfriend was. Much too young for me of course, (I thought – in the beginning), but I couldn’t help noticing. Being nice is simply par for my nature and so I was nice to her, but I was astonished that she was equally nice to me.
It began in church. One day – one evening actually, the church was putting on some event. Looking for a place to sit, I noticed an empty seat next to this friend’s girlfriend. So I sat down next to her. We talked – all through the service. Not always verbally, but we communicated. The first time and one of the few times I have ever really Communicated with anyone. In fact, the level of communication we eventually reached remains unique in my experience. And this evening began it all. A few other women have come close to this level of communication, but none has ever reached the same level.
I don’t know when she stopped seeing him, but as of that night, by one definition or another, she was seeing me. We were friends – boyfriend and girlfriend – a situation I found most astonishing and very fulfilling. I had dreamed of a girlfriend, but never really believed it was possible for a guy like me. Thus, this woman was literally a dream come true.
She was young. I was old, (comparatively). She was in her early teens. I was in my late teens. She was in school. I had graduated. We knew we had to keep our relationship secret or there would be all kinds of trouble. At first we were pretty successful. Furtive meetings. A single ring on the telephone to remind the other of a particular song playing on the radio. A late night drive by her house. Holding hands in the dark. Quick glances, endless conversations. We talked about everything, anything, for hours on the phone. I could talk with her about anything and she felt the same way about me. No subject was taboo. Nothing was off limits. We talked. And that too was, and is, a rare thing for me. It was a great thing to be in love. It still is. Yet, the circumstances of our relationship contrived to pull us apart when we each so desperately wanted to be together.
Although we tried to keep our relationship a secret, it seemed, over time, that everyone knew. Her parents were opposed to us being together. So were mine. “You’re too old,” they said, “she’s too young.” I recall receiving flack from the youth pastor of our church. It seemed everyone was conspiring against us. And yet, we loved each other. Sometimes I think that if we had been allowed to remain together then, we would still be together now, 20 + years later. I know it wouldn’t always have been easy, but I feel that our bond would have remained intact regardless of all the tumult and turmoil I’ve experienced in my life.
I still recall her today as she was then. She had dimples when she smiled. And she had a pert little nose that I loved. I loved the feel of her hair. Her laugh was vibrant and real. She was full of energy and life. She was so young and beautiful and I felt extraordinarily lucky to have such a vibrant, beautiful woman fall in love with me. I felt blessed. But also stressed.
To partially relieve the pressure of the stress caused by this relationship I began drinking – heavily. I then fell in with the wrong crowd – circumstances which, in a small town, could not be hidden and provided much of the energy for those who were trying to drive us apart. I felt I had no choice – and maybe I didn’t – but hanging with the wrong crowd only added fuel to those who were opposed to us. And by this time, it seemed as if the whole town was set against us. A friend reminded me of the play “Romeo and Juliet” and commented on how he was struck by the similarities between Shakespeare’s couple and my relationship with this woman. Eventually, after two years of covert conversations, furtive glances and secret meetings, we separated. It broke my heart to do so. But I believed then and still do now, that we had no choice. Only now am I beginning to understand to what degree that separation also broke her heart.
I still feel we were connected on a metaphysical level - a level upon which only true love can connect. She seemed to know my thoughts and read my mind. She seemed to know when I was thinking about her. And sometimes, I seemed to know what she was thinking or doing. I sometimes was able to tell when she was thinking of me. This was part of what made her so special to me. It is also what I’ve looked for in every woman since then. Rarely have I found anything close, and when I do, it’s present to only a limited degree. This connection has never been as close or as intimate as it was with this one special woman of way back when. I still think of her – in quiet moments. And we’re still friends, which pleases me to no end. I think of what could have been. I think of what was – in another time, way back when, and, who knows, perhaps there will be another time, again.