mar9/00 - 9.02pm
feels like 2am. wish it was.
school ends 3.30 caities 5.00 polo park missed the fucking bus 5.57 sams 6.20 home 6.30 bath 7.00 everquest llan goes back to wk 7.30 deliberate 7.45 call no answer decide unpack uselessness he calls 8.00 bed? bed? please? stare into my own eyes smudged necessarily with orange in my masochistic attempt to find myself beautiful. 9.00 she mentioned turbulence. nothing happens in the end.... and i'm left sitting here, listening to harsh footfalls through the insincere ceiling.... and i know i could pull it off cause i won't be missed till morning. and that scares me. but doesn't scare me at all. i have no reason to believe this is any worse than that. but i'm close to hope.... i'm close to having faith. fuck christianity. look how i turned out. and if you only stop and think about it you'll understand that it's no different than anything else. and all is meaningless and that's a fucking quote.
but i've got every opportunity, and financial success is an end in itself. right dad? right? it's all you fucking care about asshole. it's all anyone fucking cares about.


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