feb26/00-2.00am
Sometimes I feel good about myself. And others It's just...well what the hell could I have been on? That sudden shattering burst of worthlessness always catches me off guard.
It's quite obvious to me now. I don't think a VW van would have enough room to house me and all my stupid mood swings, nevermind another person. Only the open sky, and a grrl with a cat in her backpack that I can't relate to anymore. Too bad. I could use a real friend. Could use. Fack that. I'm almost dying in this existence and he's too fucking selfish, or we both are, and bock sick of it, Or...whatever, I don't know. Goodnight. kc.
p.s. kyle said he loves me no matter what. Fuck that. Is all encompassing love still love?


feb28/00. New sp cd tomorrow. That wasn't what I meant to write. Let's start over. So Liz has been missing for weeks. I hope she's ok. Pot head, hope the escort service/drug gang didn't get to her, or she to them. I used to worry about her and we only had a good conversation once. Missed brennan by a couple of minutes. hoping to find Bria and a ride home. Wonder if she minds if I crash her little lunch party. Moxies. 12.50. It's at moxies I'm not... I mean. I'm in the food court staring at the giant oversize fluorescent Moxie's sign.... "MOXIE'S Classic Grill"
Every body finds someone sooner or later.
You must learn. It's only a matter of time.... and appearances.
I'll go see if Tracy is working. Maybe she will have luch with me. I have about a dollar to my name right now. I wonder about these peoples lives. Someone come tell me their stories. my mind feels like this body is only a tool. Only temporary.
Maybe Lisa...no. She won't... these not enough hours for the four of them anyways. Perhaps I can stay home on wednesday. Film shoots tuesday and thursday.
Second hand smoke is just as bad.
I need space time and some serious thought.
Why shouldn't the wind try to carry me away. i'm just tired of depression. So I'll be happy for a day.


feb29/00. Tuesday. 9.05am. MBCI sick room.
Happiness that forgets nothing. Steve and Sarah forced to break up.. his dad...asshole. Krystena tatooed. Mikes won a poetry contest. New SP cd today. His love letter is burning a hole in my pocket.
How does it make you feel? Blue cd. track 13.
Just incapable today. Just lost and random.
There's so many books I'd like to read.
Overcast skies. blocke lives. insabstantial suble differences.
And are you just like me. Mike.... how do I feel about anything. I couldn't cope without you. I don't see any reason we should ever break up... I wish last sunday was everyday. I don't ever want to hurt you. I don't ever want you to hurt. I still melt when you smile...
How do I feel how do I feel....
Dead. But more just lazy and incapable of movement.
Thank the gods for green fleece blankets.
My stomach hurts. My mind is still asleep... My soul aches when I stop to consider it. My heart is sad for the pain of everyday issues.
I think I get too caught up with the present. Too unhinged by minute circumstance.
Why should I be sad today.
- blame it on the rain ya ya.... Milli vanillie... or however you spell that.
13,14,3,4,5,7,12.
33- my new pager tag. Full of hope and lust. Boy wish you could be here. letting your eyes sparkle. We'd both be silent for once. Just stare. Brown to blue.

I know I'll make it. Love can last forever. Graceful swans of never topple to the earth. And you can make it last forever.

Watched a bit of The Saint last night. Good movie as I recall. I'm supposed to be in history, but I'd rather watch my emotions contract and dialate with they playlist..........................

I'll always need her more than she could ever need me. And I'll do anything to keep her here tonite.

I feel like that.
When the song changes I'll let myself slide elsewhere.
Do you ever do this?
Addicted to you... At least its a mutual thing. But I'm content to sit and dream.
For now.
I honestly can put myself in a better mood...it just takes time. And even still it requires some forgetting.
Happiness without forgetting the sorrow...a line caught my attention while reading last night. made me pause for a minute or so....wow. wouldn't that be a state to live in. Do you think its possible? Short or long term? how would you acheive this?
I hope the clouds disappear soon. 9.40.


Mar5/00 - I have no fucking clue what time it is.
Writing is too much effort lately. And my mind is wavering between emotionless and asleep.
I just spent most of a day on a computer. And he was content and I was trapped. And now I'm cold, very very cold. Staring at this softly wavering candleflame. Listenin to the voices in my head sing bits of songs and listening to the jailers useless yet infinately important conversations filter through the floorboards.....ceilings. The hierarchy or this particluar establishment.
And how do I describe this tint of sadness in my chest, this slight melancholy this hint of lonliness and barely illuminated pleasure. Do I love my sadness the way they claim to. "Am I in love with this/ my constant brokenness" She's right. My writing has gotten worse. But she was also wrong...because it really doesn't matter.
And I only wish that one day I will measure up to my own standards. And I only wish that one day I will be able to express like them...the infinite host of others. Is it the impact or the recognition...and did you do your homework? Tomorrow is Monday. Another week another really fucking long week.
Fuck....

- k -

...back