feb22/8.55am (a lesson in morning dementia)

Am I in love with this my constant brokenness Have we forgotten how it used to be?

Slow. Spiraling. Neither up nor down.
I'm basking in the heat of my own rage.
Why do I do this?

I'll stay here I'll be fine
       how it used to be
        how it used to be
    how it used to be

I have to get out of here. I'm trapped.

Despite all my rage....
I ain't no rat... and this cage is gilded and called sucess and career planning. Preparation for real life.
Total cigarrette buzz this morning....

Whenever we see happiness we call it fake. so why bother trying? If its not even a possibility?

Sprawled in the hall these voices echo combined with solitude amidst this crowd we could be solitary we could be happy but we wear black and glare regardless.
Sprawled in hallways, fake smiles. Better than what we've got.

expell.
just do it.
just do nothing.
just be.
      who am I really?
just a creation forged of imitative desire, caused by mans basic rivalry. I don't even care if nobody understands me.

She loves me because she had to...

Because I was sunshine
once
Falling hard and far to
fast.
Because I was glorious
once.
Everything hits rock bottom
eventually.
Sunshine is fake.

What am I trying to convey here? anything... Or just learn to communicate these sweeping bouts of depression.
These are almost always caused by her. By her petty desire to have me look "just right". To avoid that bad girl stereotype.
Fight till your fist
bleed baby

Maybe baby.

How do I deal with this well of pain and rage living just to the right of my heart? Supress? Express? Depress?

I've written letters and letters and letters an you just don't get the point! LET ME BE!
Fuck you.... I hate this life so much.
Move my feet? nah. You can be awkward, I'm comfortable.
Leave me alone.
Solitude amidst the crowds.

Am I alone?

kc.

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