...back

arp22/00/9.32pm

i haven't been writing lately. or thinking. or wishing. or hoping. or praying. haven't been doing much of anything lately. well, that damn history essay. post - war literature, like that's not a vauge topic. but. in order to deny the rumor that seems to be going around, the one concerning my death, i feel that it's time for a bit of an update. here's some old stuff. some not-so-old stuff. and whatever else i happen to find that seems like it should be up on here and isn't.

(p.s. if any of this has already been posted on my site and i just don't recall having done so, lemme know, so i can avoid repeating myself. thanks. )

february. denied existence. (indulged)

I spent one and a half hours yesterday justifying the existence of humanity based on simplicity. I stare at sunlight on snow and wonder if this is how she felt.

I want to stumble out into the darkness of the night. Leave this city of useless streetlights and billboards miles behind. Drive until the glow disappears. Drive until I can't see the orange anymore. Find myself some stars. Something to inspire. I'm soul dry.

chasing shadows in the countours of your fallen perfection.

And my soul lay
among the millions of
indefinate shadows
illuminated
Brief but falling
like love
My soul lay
bare to the world
bare to the sky and the void
bare to the mind
blazing briefly
falling all around like love
I lay
Inside the space
inside the warmth
of you

I almost cried when she spoke this evening.

(they say suicide is stupid. that it is a permanent soluciton to a temporary problem. that it is selfish. .......they're right. but thats not the point. the point is the insane and inexplicable wedge of confused emotion being thrust into my ribcage by some childish god some idiot with power and a sadistic obsession. )

Poor Mary. That's gotta hurt.
Not even
worth
undressing.
       I hope you're happy hope you're               happy with your glass half empty              even though you got your shame.
He's only happy when stoned she's only responsive with a drink. what the fuck kind of existence is that.
see... I can do lonely. I just can't do social.
my father gave me some really fucked up genes alright. thanks for the mindscrew dad.
               very dislexic today.

(listening to b'ehl. think it might by useless)

I only shiver around you. I can endure incredible amounts of emotionless cold. Right now. Fucking freezing. Don't even notice.
The void is what terrifies me the most. Terrifies is the wrong word. Entices. Saddens. Depresses. This is me on the verge of sucumbing.

My mouth is dry. There's no moisture on my lips. Feels. Feels good.
My eyes are dry, on the verge of dripping down my cheeks in hopeless disarry.
                I wanna sing like you
                Make this whole room shake
The carpet mutated under my sober observation. Expanded and patterned and grew to fill my entire range of vision...there's handes somewhere in the picture. or should be. Damn carpet. always so greedy. who needs fucking shroms when air is hallucinogenic. fuck. this is my hate night.
been having brutal visulizations lately. my mom is dead three times.

Shaking. From cold? Or just for the sake of shaking.
     Shivering in naked beds
     Far past the time to sleep
                     (nevermore quoth the raven............ there was a day once once once once there was a)