Finally, one should take time, from time to time, to evaluate one's career in terms of accomplishments, experiences, and unique abilities. I have found that I have many.

1. I am used to eating lunch alone.
2. My jokes are so old, I don't get them anymore.
3. I had a friend once (and then I married her).
4. I volunteer for committees so I can have time to practice writing backwards and upside-down.
5. I can set the microwave clock in the faculty lounge.
6. My students never miss class because they need the sleep.
7. No one notices when I talk to myself.
8. I frequently forget where I leave things.
9. I attend faculty meetings.
10. I can draw caricatures of the administration.
11. I walk on the grass.
12. I had a student give an inciteful answer in class once.
13. I was the next to the last person on campus to relinquish my manual typewriter for an electric.
14. I listen to NPR.
15. I still have my slide-rule.
16. Women scream, children cry and dogs bark when I am around.
17. I am a monodigital pianist.
18. I know that "anal retentive" is an adjective with the hyphen and a noun without.
19. I type my own tests.
20. I published articles which drew responses drawn in crayon.
21. I find beating a dead horse to be therapeautic.
22. My trumpet students improve after they stop taking lessons from me.
23. I know the words to the Barney Song.
24. I am frequently asked to do things for free.
25. I mow my own grass.
26. I believed the Dean when he said we were out of travel money.
27. I volunteered to teach a night class.
28. No one can pronounce my last name.
29. I have actually read Closing of the American Mind.
30. I can read Dr. Seuss to a rap beat.
31. I allow students to take make-up tests.
32. I am on the coaches' preferred list of instructors.
33. I once belonged to the Rotary Club.
34. I do not have an unlisted number.
35. I make administrators address me as "Doctor."
36. I read the Innovation Abstracts each week.
37. I have failed trying to implement seventeen of the ideas presented in the Innovation Abstracts.
38. I realize that my position would be filled by a graduate teaching assistant anywhere else.
39. I have over 90 sick days, even after the sick-day-buy-back.
40. I am too stupid to get sick.
41. I once lead the singing at a Rotary meeting while playing the tuba.
42. I wrote a march using the college phone number for the melody. (I used its inversion for the counter-melody.)
43. I return my shopping carts.
44. I know the janitors and secretaries on a first-name basis.
45. The batteries in my flashlight work.
46. I forgot to attend a conference I was registered for.
47. I make an excellent "Rusty Nail."
48. I have leaned that memos are the only reality there is in academe.
49. I keep library books for years at a time.
50. I believe that Deans can read, but for some reason don't.
51. I have read Crime and Punishment twice, but no one cares.
52. I can add fractions.
53. I once calculated how fast hair grows in miles per hour.
54. I do not know the difference between a colon and a semi-colon.
55. I had fun once, but I did not enjoy it.
56. I still get my hair cut at a barbershop.
57. I give students the grades they earn instead of what I really want to give them.
58. I know when to say "less" and when to say "fewer."
59. I scrupulously obey the Law of Gravity.
60. I let students turn assignments in late, take make-up tests, and do extra-credit.
61. I enjoy attending commencement and feel it is an important part of academic life.
62. My feet are planted firmly in the ether.
63. I order graduate textbooks from university presses to read for pleasure during my breaks.
64. I know where the Frank Zappa Home Page is on the Internet.
65. I get lost in Wal*Mart's parking lot.

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