chris.

Remember what i said about click factor? Something went between me and him at first glance. Later we determined that he was thinking, "oh, Melissa actually has hot friends??" But something was there... and ice princess Melissa here fell flat on her face.

So we sit around, chatting... Melissa goes home, and I stay with the guys. I think he got hooked #1 with me speaking Russian and seducing him and Erik, or maybe it was the hair... it was halfway to my waist at that point... But even after Erik left, we sat outside by my car talking and talking. We chatted about college, and hookups and relationships and the world in general... And then we realized it was 2:30am. We left both thinking, "wow, he/she was cool, but we'll probably never see each other again."

CLUB NIGHT
So two nights later I'm at work, and Melissa calls in, telling me that we're planning something for Erik's birthday, and that CHRIS WOULD BE THERE, and he was wondering if I would be there... So i was all shocked... him? the guy who was supposed to be a statue in some museum? Was interested in seeing me? I didnt believe it. SO later that night I get all dolled up. Put the hair up, put the makeup on, wore a cute little tank top and black pants. We went out to the club, and I wanted to look good... So 2001 gave us all half price with college ID and we had a blast. Chris wasn't the best dancer, but he knew how to move if you got him close enough... Melissa thought it was entertaining that we started maybe 3 feet apart and ended up all entwined in each other's arms... We danced until Melissa was sick and then we booked it out of there, me resting on Chris in the backseat. So I ask what were all gonna do tomorrow, and Erik said that he and Melissa already had plans, and Chris asked me to go to the club again. Psyched? Yup.

So the next night, we go again. Only this time we end up outside talking after some dancing because it was so hot that night... We talked and talked and talked and suddenly, the club was closed. So he took me home and we chatted about weekend plans. This was Thursday night. At that point I didn't have any. But mind you, this was also 3 weeks before I was leaving for school. I didnt especially want to fall for this guy, but we were having an awfully fun time together.

WINNEPESAUKE
So. Friday night I make plans to go to see "Ever After" with Rachel. And THEN Chris calls, and he's chatting about how Melissa and Erik are going up to a cabin at Lake Winnepesauke for the weekend. Asks if i'm interested in going, but I had to babysit... SO i figured that he would go without me.

So Saturday morning rolls around and all I want to do is go to the lake. So I call Sheila to babysit for my lil sis, and call Chris, waking him up. "HI!" a weak hey is mumbled... "Wanna still go to the lake??" "DEFINATELY!" So, in less than a half an hour I was packed and in the car on my way to the lake with Chris and his cousin Jeff. I got stuck in back, and Jeff was horrible at shotgun... never finding the good stations, and all that stuff, so I evicted him. We made the drive up so quickly, and dropped Jeff off at his friend's cabin and made our way around to Erik's. Now. Mind you that Erik and melissa were not reachable all day. So, we just kinda appeared. Me and Chris just chillin out of the deck, lounging in the sun waiting for them to come back. Melissa and Erik were shocked and pleasantly suprised by all this. I thought it was THE most fucking spontaneous thing i had ever done. So we went out water skiing, and then we went out to this cute little town for shopping, and then we came back to chill in the hot tub with a few beers. We had a whole bunch of fun, and then we all went out to sit on the rocks, after jumping in and out of the hot tub a few times. Chris was about ready to fall asleep in there, it was very entertaining. So... out on the rocks, talking again. Everything Nothing... fate luck time death everything. Discussing how we arent living but dying every day, pretty much everything that i talk about in philosophies is in there... And melissa... poor melissa tried to stay up with us the whole time. Chris and I had this evil unspoken game that the insomniacs would drive Melissa into the ground and then make fun of her all the next day. So thats exactly what we did. Chris ended up falling asleep righ ton the rocks, leaving me to the sunrise by myself with some triscuts and some ducks. So. I had breakfast with the ducks. Chris sits up all confused and asked me what i was doing. I grinned at him and replied, "living..." so the two of us had breakfast with the ducks and then decided that we were freezing and we went in. We caught about 2 hours of sleep and then we were up again, with more energy than anyone else. Melissa was fit to be tied, just like we thought. It was beautiful. That day we went off to a water park on our way back. Great waterslides and a wave pool and fun in general. I got really quiet for a while, because it was coming down to this point where I was realizing that I really really liked Chris, and I didnt want to go to school in 2 weeks. Not at all. The drive back was interesting. Chris and I really started talking about who we were, and he chatted with me about how much going to Russia had helped me to grow up, and that college wouldn't really change who I was. We had such a great talk and then, as we're coming into Boston... "You like seafood?" "I love seafood!" "I'm taking you out for lobster!" "really? when" "Right now." So right then, we turn off our route to CT and go over to Rhode Island. Not just any lobster, lobster in Newport. But unfortunately, we got hopelessly lost in Peabody, where my roommate lived. So we ended up taking a strange trip back home, tired and hungry... so i took him to the Triple A diner. A classic all nite diner with the best coffee ever. And we had breakfast. Then he took me home and I thought, "okay, kiss for sure!" but... no. I got a hug and a peck on the lips but no. Talk about playing hard to get, I was SO confused... But hey.

TAKING IT TO THE EXTREME
So I go out to lunch with Melissa and I get bombarded with Chris gossip. "you have him so confused, he's calling ME for advice, and he KNOWS that i cant stand him!" He was so insecure of what to do, so afraid i'd slip through his fingers... I was shocked and flattered, and I knew that i was caught- hook line and sinker. So maybe a night or two later he asks me over to watch a movie. "Fallen" good movie. great movie. All during the movie we were edging closer and closer together. After the movie he walked me out to the car and he finally kissed me. Sparks, fireworks, it was on eof those things that leaves you in your car jumping up and down all giddy with joy... and he pulled away, with a "I'll let you get home" No way. "Hey... I've been waiting for you to do that since saturday, you aren't going in yet..." and i pull him back into another. I can't even describe it. Every touch was electric, everything was just perfect... tiny lines of fire would just edge through my veins and i thought that i would simply die from sheer happiness... its explosive, ya know? So... I think that its tonight... I go home, and it was wrecked by the fact that I was oh maybe 3 hours late? Boom. Parents flipped, and i flipped back and we fought. It sucked. Now I'm not sure if this is the night... but i'll just say it is for the purpose of my head being clouded since its 6:15am. ::thinks for a while:: yeah, i think it was. So my parents had called him right as i was leaving, and they had waited up for me, worried beyond belief. A lot of fighting ensued and I got so upset. The next day at work, Chris called to see if I was alright and he said that I should go talk to my dad. Turns out that he had gone to personally apologize to the wrath that is daddy and they had a long talk. Hello? Brownie points for the guy. So for a few days chris had my dad's seal of approval.

Til the next time we went out. My dad requested that I be home by 1. Now we were going out to dinner and we were going out to dinner in New London, so it was kinda far. It was great. We were getting closer by the second. So, we get back to his house and are just in the car, ya know saying good night, for oh a good 2 hours. So now its 2. And i still have to get home. I get home and boom, another fight. I was so torn between Chris, who made me feel things that I had never felt, and my parents who were trying to hold onto me for the last of the days I had with them... I got grounded. And our rescheduled lobster dinner in Newport? cancelled. And i got mad. My parents buckled with me in tears all night and invited him to a family function at Gramma's. We went to the beach and had a barbeque, and then drove home to realize that I had no house key. So the two of us curled up in the hammock in my backyard and what else? Talked. We had such a great mental connection, it was beautiful. We could teach each other so much, and we loved it.

The situation with my parents got really ugly for a while. These beautiful nights with Chris would be spoiled with sneaking in. We kept pushing and things kept blowing up until finally, it was my last day.

RIVERSIDE
The last day of my existance in CT was almost cancelled because of another late entry by yours truly. But I pitched an unholy "YOU CANNOT DO THIS TO ME, I WILL NOT EVER COME HOME" fit and they let me off. So I packed up and we went off to this great theme park- Riverside. Spent the day going on rides and scaring ourselves silly and playing in the water and wonderful stuff like that. I was silent, with a few smiles and cute comments, but I'd keep looking at things knowing that I wouldn't see them until December. Every once in a while, I'd catch Melissa close to tears, and then she'd cathc me, and then we'd try to have MORE fun and NOT think. Instead of days, it was down to Hours, and everyone hid their watches for the sake of all sanities involved. It was a good day. I couldn't have asked for anything else short of another. Saying good bye to Melissa in Erik's driveway was the worst. I couldnt be strong anymore and I just cried my eyes out. She handed me over to Chris with a, "You take care of my girl" It was like i was DYING. MElissa and I had never been apart in the 7 years we'd known each other. I got in the car and just sat there with the tears running down my cheeks, and Chris was SO corny, that he got me laughing. I dont even remember what he said, but it made me smile. I was so glad to have him.

SAVE TONIGHT
So. Home. We were busy packing the car up and getting me ready to ship out the next morning. The rents turned in after the car was all packed, and my life of the next few months was securely locked into that trunk. So. Chris and I just sat on my front step. Not touching. Just sitting. Lost in our own chuning emotions. He spoke to me, but wouldn't look at me, "It wasn't supposed to happen this way. I wasn't supposed to find you here, find you now, to lose you so soon." I couldnt speak. I was out of tears. I was numb at this point. I just looked at the sky and said, "I didnt know that i could fall in love in 3 weeks." Love. I said it. I loved him. He could take it how he wanted. And we finally had the discussion that we had been putting off for days. Now what? We decided to stay in touch, and see other people if we felt like it, and that he would try to come down and see me soon. But we couldn't part. We sat outside til we were so cold that we couldnt move, and then we went in, and he curled up on my chest and fell asleep for a while, watching Jay and Conan and everything else. Then he woke up, to me still being there, and me knowing that our next kiss was going to have to last a long time. We kissed, messy because of tears, and i was dying inside, and I couldn't cry. Chris- HE was able to cry, but I couldn't, and i knew if i didnt it would hurt so much more than if i did. So its now 5am, and I walk him to his car, and our kisses mingle with I love you's and This isnt the end's, and I STILL COULDNT CRY. I felt so insensitive. He got into his car and started the engine and i wandered back towards my house and it hit me. I fell to the ground in this puddle of tears and whimpering and I didnt even have to look. He was right there, and picked me up off the ground and kissed away my tears and then... he was gone. And I went back inside with my dad making coffee. and i just kept sobbing.

INDIFFERENCE
Cried myself all the way to DC. I had a 2 day stopover at Karen's house. Karen is my aunt. She lives in Centreville VA. So I was there, and I didnt talk to anyone. I just sat. Cried myself to sleep, watched movies, and wanted to go home. I didnt call anyone. I couldn't do it. So. I get to school, and my roommate has mono, so I'm all by myself. So I get everything set up, and my books bought and I run into Scott. We decide to meet later, and then I finally got rid of the parents. THAT was a pretty painless goodbye. I wanted to play with my friends. Everyone wondered why Meliss was so down, and I told them my little story. People understood, and in fact, A lot of people had the same thing. So I still wasn't really able to call out, because I needed my phone card stuff, but my friend Brian let me check my email. And there was THE sweetest email ever waiting for me. I broke down into tears all over poor Brian. I still have it. As a matter of fact I still have a lot of them. But anyway, so I called Chris and it was so good to hear his voice. ::sigh:: yay.

DENIAL
So. For about a month, we have this online and phone correspondance, and I'm still almost in denail of what happened... "How does one FALL in less than 3 weeks?" I hooked up with this wonderful guy named Jon, and almost wanted a relationship... but he wasn't Chris, and it never panned out. So I get this email from Chris. He's coming down. So. I get all worked up about, "What am I going to do if i was wrong?" and then the day is here. I take my first Russian test and book it over to the metro station with Jess. And I'm sitting with her, waiting, and then he's there. And I forgot how beautiful he was. Again. And I looked in to his eyes and it was still there, and our hands found one another and the link was there. Our hands seemed to be magnetically attracted to each other, and when they were together, the energy would just flow between us, and I would feel so COMPLETE. So there we were, and it wasnt a dream.

DC BY NIGHT
That first night, we went out to the cutest little resaurant in Dupont Circle: Kramer's Afterword's Cafe. It was inside a bookstore. We had a whole bunch of fun at dinner and then went back to campus to watch some movies. Well... we were gonna watch Seven... but we got kinda distracted. The next day we were kinda distracted until... um.. 7:30 in the evening. Then Chris was all, "OKAY FEED THE BOYFRIEND" which wasnt a half bad idea. We went to Armands for some good Italian food. Then we walked around the monuments for a few hours, and then had the BRIGHT idea to walk back. We wanted coffee, so we just started walking up Connecticut Avenue, and talked. And walked, and we finally got back up to Dupont, and we thought that we were almost there! So we sat around there for a while, talked to this really entertaining drunk named Scott and then kept walking towards campus. But I kinda found out a little late that we, um... were going a little off course. I missed the turn, then when I found an intersecting street, we were going the wrong way. By this time it was 2:30 and we were tired, so i started walking in the middle of the street waiting for a taxi. Sure enough, there was one in about 10 minutes. SO. $7 in the cab going the OPPOSITE direction than the way we were walking, and we were home. So we ran over to the quad an just sat. Telling everyone our adventures. Alicia thought that Chris was THE coolest thing since ice cream, but Scott was kinda indifferent. Chris never really talked with him. Then again, Chris really didn't like Scott. He thought that Scott and I were a little TOO close of friends. ::blink:: me? and Scott? I thought that he was ridiculous. But hey, he was entitled to his opinion. So that night we go upstairs and really watched Seven, and I curled up and fell asleep in his arms almost immediately. The next day we kinda hung out around campus, not wanting to leave, but I got him on his metro, and off to the airport. Whereupon I locked myself into my room in tears, and then went next door and got drunk with Bobby. So I'm sitting in my room, being depressed and the phone rings. Its Chris. "No, its not you, you went home" "Long story, can I come up?" yay. He had missed his flight and had to take one the next morning. So the two of us sat down to do some work and I got to curl up in his arms one more time before he left me.

URI
Time passes so quickly yet so slowly in college, and about a week before Columbus Day weekend, I call up Chris. "I miss you insanely and I'm coming up next weekend" It just so happened that he had Monday off. So I got a ticket to fly up on Thursday, and he was going to drive us back Sunday morning. It was wonderful. I flew in, and I had actually beaten him to the gate. I met him halfway down the hallway where I was swept into his arms and introduced to Joel. The weekend was great. We had such fun, I met all the guys, and I met the girls (and hated them) and we just kinda hung out. I remember one conversation that we had with Joel, and he said that he wished he could have something like Chris and I had... because he wouldn't cheat on me for anything. I didn't think that we could be closer, but right then, I got drawn in even more. The drive back to DC was fun. We played music and talked and got lost and it was great. We drove all through the city, now knowing HOW to get to campus after our excursion on foot. So we were all set. We got in pretty late, so we said hi to Katrina and Kim and Angela and head in to have a quiet night, so Chris could get off early the next morning. Unfortunately, it didn't happen. Chris was giving me a back massage and we were talking about his parents, and I laughed saying how much his mom must hate me... "I make you spend all your money to come see me, then you drive me all the way home just to go back... all for this girl she met only once." "You only met my mom once? What kind of girlfriend are you?... Oh... thats right... There wasn't any time..." So we finally came to the realization of the fact that we knew NOTHING about each other's pasts. All those horror stories. So we start telling our tales of dark twisted evil exes, and crazy silly stories... and as it got later, we got even closer... And we were playing around, and we just started laughing. Laughing for no apparent reason, and laughing hysterically. Laughing at ourselves, at each other and at the world. "So there world, you threw everything at us, and we're still here" and thats when I realized that I hadn't really loved him until that moment. Unitl I saw everything about him, good and bad, what made Melissa think he was an asshole, everything. We opened our doors to each other and our worlds, and everything was beautiful. (oh, and then there was a fire drill at 7am, but we won't talk about that...) Letting him leave was almost as hard as going to school. I was so afraid that he'd fall asleep and die on me. But he didn't. and things were beyond wonderful.

TENSIONS
Halloween brought some problems to our paradise. Distance got to us, we fought, we'd ignore each other, but what we did was talked. It came up, it bothered one of us, and we talked it out. It was beautiful. I didnt have to feel like he was going to get all defensive when I'd say something like, "hey, you know I really hate it when i call and get to sit and listen while you talk to everyone else in the room." and he;d do the same with things I did. It was a healthy relationship. (with an unhealthy phone bill) Chris also decided that he needed to see me again, so back up to URI I went. I went to dinner with him and his parents and his mom took me shopping. We hit it off so well and it was wonderful to hear her say that it was good that I made Chris smile, that he hadn't smiled in a while. So that was nice. Now something happened this time while i was with my Christopher. I realized that for the first time ever, I was trully open. Nothing hidden, no walls, nothing. And I needed Chris. I didnt know what I'd do without him. I didnt want to go back to school again, because i wanted to be there. I wanted to be with him. He made me whole, and I loved it. I loved how he'd watch me when he didnt think i saw him, i loved looking into his eyes and just finding things hidden in their deep blue, i loved the way our hands and bodies perfectly fit together... I loved him, with everything in me that could feel anything at all. And DMB's "Say Goodbye" was on. And I ended up in tears in his arms. Whimpering like a kitten, because i realized that i didn't ever want to be without him. And it scared me to death.

THANKSGIVING
Turkey day rolled around and I stayed with Chris for a night before he drove me home. He got to meet my rents, and we all had this nice dinner in Mystic, and then Chris went back to school to finish some things for Model UN. The break was short but necessary. Chris and I had some quiet evenings, and I got to see him on the home front again. More curfew fights, but they were done now. Thanksgiving was the last time I was ever confronted. Now, the most interesting thing about this weekend was the last night. Chris, for the first time opened up to me. He didn't want to tell me, but did, and we talked, and he let me be there for him like he was there for me. It felt so good. I just wanted to be with him and hold him close, but talking to him was what I could do and thats what I did do. And i actually fell more in love with him. Talk about hooked...

WINTER BREAK
So yeah, we had a month to wait in between, but whatever, Chris is getting a whole lot of air time here, and he probably wont even read this. (hahaha spoiled the end) So anyway. Winter break was the most amazing time I have ever had. I got snowed in to Chris' house, and then early morning he'd be able to sneek back into the room that I was staying in and go back to sleep curled up with me... I remember this one night where there was a really bad storm, and he was outside playing in the snow with his horses, and I just watched from upstairs, so much in love with him. Funny how you can see such a kinder, gentler side when you see people with their pets... I remember one day I wasn't feeling well, and Chris made me lunch and we sat on the couch and watched tv... I remember Christmas where we got to sit under the Christmas tree and watch the fire and not really say anything. Just be there together. And New Years eve- Dinner at Buggaboo Creek, Champagne in the hot tub at midnight... freaking out after his car accident... and so many little things that I remember that I'd get in a lot of trouble for if I put them all up here. One night I remember really clearly though, still stands out in my mind. Now. If I didn't know what I know now, this was a sweet and wonderful night. But, see... sometimes sweetness turns very bitter.
We were just hanging out, having a long talk about our friends, and concerns we had for them. And we got into this LONG talk about my past... delving up things that I hadn't thought about in years, and all of a sudden it hit me like a truck, and I shut up, and went really pale. You're going to lose him when you leave. I could feel it all over me. But I couldn't say it. I didnt believe that I just felt that. We had been so close, so amazingly in love, HOW on earth was I thinking that??? Chris could see it in my eyes, and he sat on my lap, facing me; locking his eyes with mine, and he told me, "You are a wonderful and a beautiful person. And I love you for you. Who you are, and who you are becoming. It is going to take a hell of a lot to get rid of me. I'm not going anywhere." He made me say it back to him, and he made me believe it. He also had a long chat about how even if we didn't last. Even if he wasn't there tomorrow, life would still go on. I'd be sad, but I'd deal. Then with a grin he smiled and said that he rather preferred having me around. But even though he let me go home thinking that I was fine, the fear of me losing him weighed hard on me. Then there was a huge storm... The last night I was going to see him and this blizzard hits. Our last night was less than memorable. Chris was leaving for a ski trip, and was really worried about me getting home. Or, well, he was really preoccupied with something. We said our goodbyes, and we made our plans for our huge weekend: my birthday, valentines day and our 6 month. He seemed really excited about coming to see me. ::sigh:: Oh well.

ALL GOOD THINGS...
Less than a week went by with me back at school when he dropped the bomb. After a Huge fight with Kim over who had the room on Vday, he said he couldn't come. Then he said he couldn't come for Spring break. So I ask him, "Chris are we okay" and well, I get dumped. He made it sound like such an okay thing, and i was so nice about it. I gave him the week in MOntreal, and wanted him to call so we could discuss things upon his return. It was even harder. So I threw all of his beautiful words back in his face, just to see if he could bleed red, too. He could. We were both really hurt. And he really was convinced it was what had to happen. But, well... I don't know. We talk on and off now, I email him, sometimes he emails me back... We have a few nice talks on the phone... But it isn't the same. It just makes me miss him more. I'll see him when I go home in 4 days, and I am really afraid. Afraid. perhaps, that it won't all still be there in his eyes. I've been hoping all semester that I will go home, and we'll just fall into each other's arms and everything will still be there, and we'll be stronger because we grew so much this past semester. I want to move on, but I loved him so much that everything that ISNT that love i felt with him, doesnt feel worth the effort. I just wish that he'd talk to me. And that is where his story ends. I learned how to really love from Chris. No walls. No holds barred. I learned that it was alright to be the one that wasn't fine. And I learned that it is okay to need someone. Now I just have to learn how to let go. Maybe someone can help me out with that one.