2. The Girls On Your Dorm Room Floor
Stereotypes suck, people, but if we didn't have them, how on earth would us
clueless human beings be able to identify each other in the jungle of Planet
Earth, let alone college? Never will this lovely system be of more use than
in describing to your friends the assorted horrors of sharing a floor with
about 60 other people. The stereotypes come in handy when you feel it
necessary to step into the steam-filled bathroom at 11 in the afternoon
(Whaddya mean you take showers before class? Shyeah right!), and upon
finding every shower occupied by frilly girls who feel it necessary to
throughly scrub every crevice of their body slower than snails screw,
scream, "HURRY THE HELL UP, EARTHMUFFIN! AND GET A JOB WHILE YOU'RE AT IT,
YOU DIRTY HIPPIE!" Stereotypes also come in handy when some "I'm in college!
I have freedom! I shall smoke and drink everything I see!" freshman has
decided to not-quite make it to the toilet and instead puke on the lovely
lineloeum that your college tuition is helping pay for...it's so much easier
to just tack a nasty note on the bathroom door reading "Wow, Raver Chick in
Room 325...those Fruit Loops don't look half as good coming back up as they
do coming out of the box, do they?" than to do the polite thing and tattle
to your RA that some freshman "had an accident in the first stall." And it's
ALWAYS the first stall -- the one you wanna rush into when you REALLY HAVE
TO GO...infidels. (Another bathroom-related note: Ya better start
stock-piling the toilet paper now, because you'll never see a single sheet
of it when you get to school, and if there *is* toilet paper, it will be
like putting tanned armadillo hide in places tanned armadillo hide just
shouldn't be.) Also, dorm floors spawn "cliques", which goes against
everything that the supposed College Experience is supposed to be in
comparison to those evil institutions the state calls high school. Each
clique will usually have one person who if of legal drinking age, and thus
the fun begins. Expect Friday nights to be the night you go see three movies
in a row, and expect that when you come back, you will have to weave through
empty bottles of Boone's Farm in assorted flavors that have been set up in
such a way that you feel as if you're taking your driver's test all over
again. Also, this is for those who have a dorm room on the end of the hall
like *moi* -- your room has a mysterious magnetic pull that will draw every
girl who is perpetually attached to her cordless phone to stand by your door
and yap for hours on end, until you feel as if you have second-handedly
lived an episode of Days of Our Lives. While so-and-so is talking to her
boyfriend all sweet-like, you're the one who has to see her picking her nose
and flicking the fruit of her diligent labors on the carpet where you
usually walk. And finally, your RA -- unless you luck out and have an RA
whom you knew LAST year and know exactly how many beers it takes for her to
end up on the coffee table wearing nothing but two bottlecaps and yellow
tape that declares "Police Evidence -- Do Not Cross" (Blackmail is such a
lovely thing, no? and everyone wonders how Terry could live in my room for
two weeks without her saying a single word...), you can kiss all semblance
of adulthood aside, because your RA will make your dorm-living experience
rather like nap time in Kindergarten. If you're REALLY, REALLY LUCKY, you
will NEVER see your RA...this is a beautiful thing, and should be cherished.
3. The Really Young and the Really Old Professors
My friend Deborah had an Art Philosophy professor last semester, in his late
20s-early 30s, who waltzed into class wearing black jeans which fit him
way-past the decency limit, a super-tight black leather vest, and a white
poet's shirt unbuttoned to his collarbone, as to display his delicate gold
cross resting amongst the abundance of black fur adorning his chest. He then
looked at the class and announced this, his exact words, for once I am not
exaggerating: "Now, I know I'm a hip, happening young guy, but I will NOT
tolerate sexual advances in exchange for grades in this class!" ::Bonnie
shakes head sadly:: The man was apparently unaware of how thoroughly
repulsive he was physically, and how lacking he was mentally. Now, if we're
out and run into him, he always brings up "that hip, happening singer Tori
Amos", who Deborah did her term paper for him on, and it is all I can do not
to yell "THEY HAVE NAIR FOR THAT, YOU KNOW!" It's rather like being verbally
assaulted by a greasy grizzly bear, if bears could talk. I, myself, had a
rather goofy-yet-strangely-good-looking young English professor for Cultural
Anthropology my first semester of school, but the eloquence of his accent
quickly wore thin as he would constantly illustrate his lectures on the
tribes of Eastern Africa with "hip, happening" pop culture references that
had absolutely NOTHING to do with the subject matter. Now, maybe I'm a bit
thick in the noggin, but how on earth can one relate Pink Floyd's The Wall
with African tribal mating rituals? They make 'em REALLY OLD in college,
too, folks -- I mean, you will have professors you swear go home and sleep
in Tupperware containers every night, or have formeldahyde running through
their veins. There is nothing more encouraging than having a Modern American
History professor who still uses notes from 1965, NEVER UPDATED. Plus, I
would like to stress here how embarassing it can be to sit in the back of
the class of a prof who is more or less as old as early Cro-Magnon man, and
answering a question after he fixes his beady eyes on you (oh, and he's kind
enough to supply a "Hey, you! Yeah, you in the cherry shirt!" after the six
of you back there are looking at each other, unsure of who he's looking at),
only to have to repeat it roughly 8 times because he couldn't hear you the
first 7, and with each successive repetition, you become more and more
convinced your answer is actually wrong, and the old sagging stick of
cataracts and arthritis is just torturing you for his own sick, sadistic
pleasure. Of course, all ends well if he didn't hear you at all after those
8 times, and he announces the answer to the class for you. Relief.
4. Starving Children In Somalia Wouldn't Eat at Your Dining Hall
I hope you like lard and wilted lettuce, kiddiewinks, because this is the
fantastic dining experience which awaits you at your chosen institution of
higher learning. You think you learned the four basic food groups in grade
school? Whoa-ho-NO! In college, your eyes will be opened to the ACTUAL food
groups as they exist outside of the very scary dining hall, so read
carefully and make plans to stock up: A) Carbonated beverages, and maybe the
occasional, every-other-week-or-month Snapple to fulfill your fruit
requirement, B) Tunafish, C) Toast, and D) Tunafish. They say a lot of kids
go vegetarian in college, and I say well YEAH, but EVERYONE goes vegetarian
it seems, because no one can afford to buy meat! (Tunafish, of course, is
not really meat -- or at least not tuna...dolphins sure taste good,
though...)
5. "Dear Mom, Send Money, Love, Bob."
You will never have money. Not ever. It's the truth, folks, and when you DO
get money, you will use roughly 15% of it for food, and the other 75% will
be for more important things like CDs, cigarettes, alcohol, movie and
concert tickets, and maybe, if you're feeling all wild and crazy, books that
aren't required reading! (You laugh now, but just you WAIT..) 25 cents will
never seem like so much money to you in your LIFE...this also relates to a
matter of pride: you can kiss that goodbye, too, because begging and whining
are finely-honed skills for the college student.
If You Have the Internet In Your Dorm Room...
You will never have a life.
All above reasons submitted by Heather
7. THE COLLEGE TIME WARP
Now, you may think that it is Hell getting up at maybe 6am, to get yourself
all prettied up for school. So when looking at the course booklets, and
seeing the 8:30's, you'll think, "Wow, thats so LATE" and laugh to yourself,
because you will get a nice extra 2 hours.
Let me break it to you now- You will sleep through every and any 8:30 class. It is not possible to get up before 9 as a college student. Me? I have slept through my 3:30. When it comes down to it, sleep will always come before class.
8. THE CHILD SYNDROME
This is not college. This is Kindergarten. You need naps in the middle of
the day. You play outside. You don't do work. Noone makes you do anything.
If you don't do it, "I was outside playing" is an acceptable excuse. (sure,
they'll fail you, but they dont care, its your money) You find that
nintendo, and all its relatives are fun again. You watch cartoons on
saturday morning, and you find it fun to dig out old tapes of Fraggle Rock
and Rainbow Brite and pretend you really are a kid again. You have pillow
fights and fly kites and go to class in your pajamas. Noone cares. College
is Kindergarten with no parents.
9. THE WORLD OF ADDICTIONS
See, all y'all who say, "I'll never smoke" you are KIDDING yourselves.
Smoking is the most social activity on a college campus. It is also the
downfall of all college students. You WILL drink. You WILL smoke. You will
go broke because of it. And the thing is, you will always run out of
cigarettes. But there are no vending machines for cigarettes... and the
store that sells them usually closes at 11pm. So at 4am, when you are
sucking the last bit of nicotene out of that cigarette, you start fiending...
And noone has a cigarette. It is a hell that defies description. This is
why you stockpile cigarettes, and you hide them for emergencies. And you
spend that $20 you were going to eat with on a carton of Kamel Reds... Which
are gone when you really need them.
10. ROOMMATES FROM HELL
Okay, so if you are lucky, you will like your roommate. If you don't, find a
room you can live in with people you like. So you get one of a few types...
I am not out to offend anyone. These are all great people in their own ways,
but remember, you are LIVING with them.
A) the sorority girl: "Like, do these super tight pants make my butt look
big? tee HEE"
Okay. These are the girls who travel in packs. So its not
just one, its 3-6 of them. They sit in the room, watching Dawson's creek and
eating fat free ice cream and apple slices. They giggle about guys and how
trashed they got and oh, mind you- to be in the sorority girl category need
not mean that one is in a sorority. They are just THE most GIRLY girls you
will ever meet.
B) the overacheiver "Can you POSSIBLY shut UP? I am WORKING HERE!"
So, you get one of those people who take everything so seriously you cant
even let the phone ring without them throwing dirty looks at you. They
stress and stress over everytihng and never leave the room. They sometimes
wont even talk to you at all, and just stop speaking to you all together,
slamming the door as they leave, clutching books and pencils and vivarin.
And at times doing very odd things with dresser drawers in the middle of the
floor.... Don't ask. Just leave very quietly, they may be ready to snap at
that point.
C) the hypochondriac: "Are you TRYING to kill me?????"
So you have a cigarette outside, and you come in and lay down on the bed.
Your roommate starts a huge coughing fit and runs out of the room. She's
allergic to smoke. And the smell. Okay, so you put on some perfume. Shes
allergic to it. Hand lotion? No such luck. Even your body wash makes her
have coughing fits. So you are left with either moving out or risking her
being allergic to you not showering.
D) the psycho: "Wanna see my knife collection?"
So your roommate spends the day on the computer, role playing and writing
emails and chatting. She wears spikes and dog collars when she feels like
it. And she loves to show off her tricks with her butterfly knives. And she
has a strange obsession with biting people... She has this strange idea that
she is a cat, and claws and bites when provoked. She also talks to the
voices in her head, and is sometimes posessed by demons. She gets really
freaked out when they come and visit, and she may make you stand on a chair
covering the smoke detector with a bowl so she can burn things. They at
times may also decide to be a super camel, and seriously believe they can
fly. Never mind the days she just starts arguing in Anceient Egyptian to someone you dont se... Mind you, psychos dont DO drugs... thats the next category... ((Note,
I am one of these roommates, and so is my best friend, so ya know, psychos
are great))
E) The Stoners: "Hey man, towel the door..."
So you walk in to soft music and no lights and clouds of smoke. Every
night... Smoking something... Its bad....
11. THE PLASTIC $ FAERIE
Oh look. There are all these nice people who tell you that if you apply for
this credit card, you get a free shotglass/ tshirt/ coffee mug/ neat toy!
YAY FUN! So you sit down and fill out the survey and steal their pen and get
a neat shot glass or other free thing. See, the thing is... a few weeks
later, you get a wonderful gift.... Money you dont have to pay with. Its
this neat little free card that you give to people instead of money! YAY....
and you can buy things online and over the phone, and it is wonderful! Til
you get the mail. Hmm... did i really order that much chinese? Then they
call you. And they hound your roommate. They wake you up at 7:30 in the
morning? "Hello is (insert brutal slaughter of your name) There??"
::grumble:: "nah, she went hiking in the swiss alps." "well are YOU a
primary card holder?" "Hell no, I dont even know the chick. I;m just
staying here til she gets back" My favorite thing to do is answer the phone
and speak only in Russian til they hang up. Oh, and you DO eventually have
to PAY for it....
12. CLASSES
College would be great, but you have these evil things to go to... you sit
there and they lecture you on stuff you know. So you dont go. And then you
run into problems. Trust me on this one.
13. HOOKUPS
I dont even want to go INTO this one. Just dont go ANYWHERE but to YOUR bed
when you are trashed. Not even if you are going to be with people. Just
dont its so bad. I am in a lot of trouble for doing this, and its just NOT
cool. NOT cool. OH, and people keep thinking that they are in love with you
at college. ANd everyone gets engaged and then they break up. Or they hook
up with their best friend. No fun. Just have a good, long term, healthy
relationship with someone who is NOT ON YOUR CAMPUS. It is good. Cept for
the phone bills. But you can pay them with credit card. hehehe....
