"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it, I'd eat it, and I just hate it!"
~Clarence Darrow

This life is a test.
It is only a test.
Had it been an actual life,
You would have received further instructions
On where to go and what to do.

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
~Mark Twain

There is a new 1-900 number: Dial-a-Prayer for atheists. You dial a number and no one answers.

"If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law."
~Roy Santoro

"There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted."
~Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour

"It is a good thing to obey the first law of holes: if you are in one, stop digging."
~Dennis Healy

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
~Rita Mae Brown

"A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep."
~W.H. Auden

If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress?

"For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong."
~H.L. Mencken

"One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop."
~G. Weilacher

"One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say."
~Will Durant

"Learn all you can from the mistakes of others. You won't have time to make them all yourself."
~Alfred Sheinwold

Warning: Dates on the calendar are closer than they appear.

"'Contrariwise,' continued Tweedledee, 'if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be, but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic.'"
~Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes: there's too much fraternizing with the enemy."
~Henry Kissinger

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Please don't drink and derive!

"A wonderful bird is the pelican
His bill will hold more than his belican
He can take in his beak
Food enough for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican."
~Dixon Lanier Merritt

The best way to accelerate a Windows machine is 9.8m/sec/sec.

"From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put."
~Winston Churchill

We, the unwilling,
led by the unknowing,
are doing the impossible
for the ungrateful.
We have done so much,
for so long,
with so little,
we are now qualified
to do anything with nothing.

"Results! Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won't work."
~Thomas Edison

"If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside."
~Robert Cringely

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
~Douglas Adams

"Between two evils, I always pick the one I've never tried before."
~Mae West

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

"In the beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people very angry, and has been widely regarded as a bad idea."
~Douglas Adams

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."
~Robert Orben

"There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn't give a damn what happens in between."
~Sir Thomas Beecham

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
~Groucho Marx

"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act."
~Truman Capote

"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."
~Henry Kissinger

"No task will be evaded merely because it is impossible."
~sign in the office of Richard Green, Chancellor, New York Public Schools