Online journal

I've got this horrible "problem" with being selfless that everyone else thinks is soooo bad, but I frankly think that it's a good thing. Why is it so bad never to be angry with anyone? Why is it so bad to take the blame, if it makes someone else feel good? Why shouldn't I feel bad about complaining about the trivialities of life when there are starving people in this world who would give anything to be in my place? I've also been lectured time and time again about how I have every right to get mad, complain, etc. But I still don't think I do. And I may never feel that way. And if that means that I'm going to get stepped on the rest of my life, it just means that I have to fight the good fight harder than ever. It's kind of like how Susan said, "if you aren't Jewish then you get to go to heaven, but if you are, then you have to work for it". That's me. I have to work for it, but I sincerely believe that everything I won't let myself do is okay for other people to do. This bothers most people, but you know what? I'm just trying my fucking hardest to be the best person I can be, and this is the only way I know how.

I believe in karma. I may be a christian, I may not do all of the other things, but I wholeheartedly believe in karma. There is someone out there for each of us who will eventually give us a taste of our own medicine. Older cultures used to believe that natural disasters happened because the gods were unhappy. I believe something like that, but I believe that when you do something bad, something bad will happen to you. For instance, I said something mean to my friend, and then when I went to sit down, I hit my back on the wall and it hurt. That was a moment of instant karma. I agreed not to hurt anyone or myself with my hands or words, and although I've tried to keep that, hurt is inevitable. Nothing in life is fair. But I tell you now, I will try as hard as I fucking can to make things fair. And if karma is what I think it is, I'll have plenty of help.

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