It all started back in the day when I was no more than four years old. Rejected by my little sandbox buddies and tired of being called "Stickboy" by all the girls in my preschool, I retreated to the depths of my basement and started plotting diabolical schemes for playground domination.

First, I would put a really tall lightning rod on the swing set, then I would convince my teacher to let us go out to recess during a thunderstorm. When my teacher would do that, all my enemies would be toast as they fought over the swings. Soon, instead of being lower than the stuff under the dumpster in the parking lot, I would be the supreme ruler of the playground and they would be my underlings. Ah yes, I could feel power coming my way back then.

As I grew older and attempted to enact my terrible schemes, I realized that I needed a philosophy, some kind of war cry for my followers to scream as they carried me on their shoulders to the pinnacle of world power. My only friend, Boris, a foreign exchange student from Lithuania, and the only guy in Smith Junior High as skinny as me, suggested that all the skinny people of the world unite together and take over the globe. Actually, he read Aesop's fable about the father and the bundle of sticks, but hey, it inspired me to greater heights. So, at the top of my lungs at the end of English class, I screamed for all to hear, "Toothpicks Unite!"

Since that fateful day in eighth grade, I have used that philosophy to carry me through the many trials of attempting global domination. Whenever I feel down on myself, when I feel that my most recent plan will never work, I remember the inspiring proverb that together a bunch of sticks can never be broken. That is why today I am motivating all the skinny people of the world to unite together and stand up and say to bullies twice our width, "Leave us alone and let us take over the world."

And now I share that philosophy with you.

Toothpicks unite! All the tall, skinny, under-advantaged people join hands and prepare to become the next ruling class of the millennium. No longer shall we take poundings from people twice our weight and waist size. No longer shall we be stuffed into lockers (I hate the fact that I could fit into one) and challenged to arm wrestling matches where we will surely lose. All skinny people of the world unite together and prepare for global domination.

Using my natural charismatic energy, I will start an organization dedicated to the betterment of skinny people. It will be called TPA (Toothpicks of America). As an organization we will buy out the world's media and spread our ideals of equality for people of all widths and weights (with skinny people being more equal) through infomercials, commercials and hour long specials on PBS about the persecution of skinny people through the ages.

Soon, the world's society will sympathize with our plight and pass legislation to our advantage. No longer will we be allowed to be stuffed in lockers. Instead, all lockers will be only three feet high. Also, it will be made a crime to discriminate against people based on their weight, waist size or height. That way skinny people can achieve their dreams such as global domination, becoming a bouncer, or, better yet, being a pro quarterback. No longer will skinny guys be turned upside down for a swirly. That will count as a violation of civil rights and be punishable by up to ten years in prison. The same with pummeling a skinny guy with a dodge ball. Skinny people will become an under- represented minority and be granted special privileges. Colleges will have to admit a certain percentage of skinny people. The same with some government services.