11
 

"Whatever you're thinking of isn't helping me any."
Jean grunted as she dug her thumbs into the clenched
muscles of Scott's upper back.

"You're the telepath." Scott groaned. His head was
pounding; he'd had a migraine all night and was
praying that Jean could rub some of the tension out.
"God - "

Jean sighed and ran her hands up and down Scott's
back, stroking gently. "Yeah, so - sometimes I like
when my husband actually talks to me, besides I don't
want to run into those fantasies about Emma again,
thank you very much. What *are* you thinking about."

"Everything. Nothing." Scott sighed, shifting to
stare out the window across from their bed at the
rising sun, to upset to respond to Jean's teasing.
Besides, he had to come to terms with Jean's
discovering all kinds of things in his mind that most
people considered private a long time ago. At least
now, they could laugh about it. That hadn't always
been the case. "Paul, I guess. Things were improving
but now - I'm afraid we're going to loose him."

"He's physically much healthier." Jean said. "He's
on a maintenance dose on the methadone and almost
ready to go off it completely."

"Sure. And going to bolt as soon as the weather
changes." Scott said. "I can feel it. And how long
will he last? He'll just go back to what he knows.
We haven't taught him *anything.* And I'm not talking
about algebra."

"I know."

Scott squirmed until he was lying on his back and
rested his hands on Jean's thighs. "I don't know what
to do, Jean. The only people he's established any
kind of rapport with are Charles and Logan and Remy.
Logan and Remy are - pre-occupied right now. The
professor - I thought he'd at least work on convincing
Paul to stay."

Jean rubbed Scott's tense stomach and he unconsciously
arched into her touch. "The professor's priority is
helping him, you know that. Maybe - he feels that the
Academy isn't the best place for Paul."

"Hustling for a hit is?" Scott snapped. "I checked
his records when we were looking for relatives -
prostitution, drug charges, vagrancy. Couple of
stints in Juvie - I'm sure some of the arresting
officers abused him - no wonder he doesn't trust us."

He looked away from Jean, breathing hard. He knew it
was pointless to get angry but police - anyone in that
kind of authority - were in a critical position of
trust. Abusing that trust was unconciousable.
Corruption like that tainted everyone, all the good
cops, all the good soldiers.

"And no one in Utah would talk to me. Something
happened, though. The group home he was in closed
within weeks of his running away. Probably a bunch of
religious fundamentalists beating the hell out of him.
And now -"

"The whole school is unsettled, Scott." Jean said
quietly. "With Logan being ill for so long - it
frightened a lot of the kids. That Logan is
indestructible is - practically an article of faith.
The kids are looking for a scapegoat."

"Paul isn't a scapegoat!"

"Neither is Logan."

Scott jerked under his wife, looking away as his
stomach tightened with anger and old shame.

"Paul isn't the only one I'm concerned about losing."
Jean went on. "You know how much Logan depends on you
for emotional stability. And this thing with Paul and
Remy is stressing him badly."

Scott clamped his mouth shut and stared out the
window.

"You don't blame Paul for Logan's injury, why do you
continue to blame Logan for his mistake?"

"A sexual encounter that lasted an hour or more isn't
a - a accident like dropping a plate!" Scott snapped.
"He molested a child - "

"Scott -"

"I'm not talking about Paul's age!" Scott cried,
struggling out from under Jean because it was
impossible to argue when someone was sitting on your
stomach. "I'm talking about his vulnerability! There
are rules against teachers screwing students or
officers having sex with enlisted men for a reason!
Paul's never had the chance for free consent - you
know that Jean!"

"Yes. I know that but I wonder how much chance Logan
had for free consent as well. Things are never simple
with all of our mutations clashing and Paul doesn't
have any control at all. Why can't you accept it was
an accident and forgive him. Or, if you can't accept
it was an accident on all sides - remember that Logan
is you best friend and forgive him anyway!"

Scott squeezed his eyes shut. "Jean - god, Jean - you
know why."

He felt her hands cradle is face and he opened his
eyes unwillingly as she brushed her lips to his
forehead. "Scott - honey - I understand. I swear I
do, but Paul isn't you and Logan isn't Jack. How can
you help Paul if you can't separate your past from his
present?"

"Oh, god, Jean I want to - I do but I - look at Logan
and I just - just can't forget what he did."

Jean rested her forehead against his and sighed.
"Scott - you aren't thinking of what Logan did. You're
thinking of what Jack did."

Scott winced. Jean was right. What he imagined had
happened had nothing to do with Logan or Paul - or
Remy. What he remembered was being so helpless, so
angry and so - dammed dependent. Knowing that what
Jack wanted was wrong and not having any options.
Being sick with vulnerability. He'd worked, ever
since then, to make sure no one was ever forced to be
so vunlrable again. He'd worked to protect people
just like Paul and he couldn't stand the thought that
they might lose him to the streets after all.

"Do you really think that Logan would treat anyone the
way Jack treated you?"

Scott laced his fingers over his wife's. "No."

"Can't you see how much it's hurting Logan - your
rejection?" Jean said. "Think about this Scott.
Logan's as - damaged - as needing of our help as Paul
or any of the others. Just because he's an adult,
just because he can't be physically injured doesn't
mean he doesn't have scars."

"I *know* that!" Scott cried. "But I *trusted* him.
Even when I knew that he and the thief weren't telling
us all - I trusted him. Both of them! How am I
supposed to get over that?"

"We all trusted him and you're right, it's a serious
problem but - we've got to start somewhere and soon."
Jean shook her head. "I'm afraid, Scott. Everything
is falling apart - Logan and Remy can't even be in the
same room with each other and Logan is sure you hate
him. What's going to happen the next time we have to
go into the field? The kids aren't blind and they see
the hostility - no wonder they're taking it out on
Paul."

Jean sighed and licked her lips. Scott had to kiss
her, clutching at the smooth fall of her red hair. He
knew she was right. The kids under their care
depended on them for more than just physical security.
They had a responsibilities - even if they were
painful. But he didn't have to like it.

"The professor relayed something Paul said." She said
slowly. "He told the professor that Logan
subconsciously blames Paul for, well, for the
emotional trauma of the last couple of months. It's
why he attacked Paul. If things aren't' resolved, it
may not be safe for Paul here. Perhaps that's why the
professor hasn't been particularly insistent about
keeping Paul."

"The professor's just applying his dammed ethics a
little to freely." Scott muttered. "Freedom from
coercion is great in theory but maybe not in this
case. Paul isn't in any position to take advantage of
that freedom."

"Would you at least talk to Logan, Scott?" Jean
asked. "He doesn't have a lot of emotional tools to
help him and running away is the pattern he knows. He
might leave and - not come back this time - and I
dont' think you want that."

"I'll talk to him." Scott said. "At least try to -
explain."

Jean's appeal to his better side almost came to late.
When Scott tracked Logan down later that day, the man
was in the garage and slinging his bag over the
handlebars of his bike.

"Logan." Scott blinked at the cold, bright sunlight
pouring in from the open the garage door. "Don't run
away again."

Logan just grunted at him. Scott scratched at his
hair and walked over, grabbing a random strap and
jerking it from Logan's hand. The man snarled harshly
at him, teeth bared.

"Get the fuck out of my way, dickhead!"

"I want to talk to you."

"Yeah - well, tough shit." Logan jerked his head
aside, refusing to meet Scott's gaze.

Scott frowned. That wasn't like Logan at all. He
watched him swallow hard and realized - the man was
ashamed. "Logan."

"What!" Logan spun on him. "Damn bub, now you want
to talk? Maybe it's to late!"

"Is it?"

Logan glared at him panting, teeth bared.

"I wanted to apologize."

"For what?"

Scott blew out a breath and adjusted his glasses.
Logan was watching him closely waiting, Scott realized
for him to show - again - how friendship worked and
where it's boundaries were. Logan wasn't anyone's
friend. The man had shouted that at him often enough,
angry and frustrated and frightened. Angry because
something, some last gasp of humanity, held him to the
mansion and the people in it when his paranoia told
him it was wiser to leave, frustrated because Logan
knew very well what he lacked but didn't know how to
get it. Frightened - Scott knew how frightened -
because the man was sure he'd never be more than an
animal in human form. It had taken a lot of work and
a lot of patience to show him otherwise.

Scott blinked, frustrated but he knew that was simply
the way Logan was and there wasn't any fighting it.
He knew how far Logan had come from the disconnected,
more-than-half crazy man he'd rescued in Canada and
how hard it must have been for the man to reach out as
much as he had. Scott had to take up the slack
because he was the only one who could.

"For taking my problems out on you."

Logan shrugged, expression withdrawn. "I screwed up.
You ain't got nothing to apologize for."

"I think I do." Scott said. "Or you wouldn't be
leaving, would you?"

The Canadian glanced away again. "Y'know I got other
problems besides you!"

"I know. I want to talk about that too. Later."

"Shit."

"I was so angry - " Scott had to swallow before he
could go on and cursed when he saw Logan sniff the air
and shift uneasily. "I felt so betrayed."

"I ani't gonna hurt you!" Logan was answering what he
smelled - Scott's old fear - more than the words Scott
was speaking.

"You did." Scott said softly. "Yes, having - sex -
with Paul hurt me but, keeping it secret hurt more.
I'd thought - you trusted me."

"Yeah, what I was supposed to tell you?" Logan's
voice cracked but his expression was blank. "I know
-"

"Say it." Scott said.

"I know someone fucked you over - meanin' just that -
sometime. Charles said you were in some foster home
that went bad. I ain't stupid."

"A man named Jack Diamond took me from the orphanage
when he found out about my - eyes." Scott said
flatly. "Between forcing me along for his extortion
schemes and robberies he - molested me pretty
consistently for the entire two years I was with him.
I was blind, Logan. There wasn't any chance of
escape."

Logan blinked at him, waiting for him to come to the
point. Scott's tale of tragedy wasn't something that
was likely to shock an ex-vivisection victim.

"I've never told anyone, besides the professor and
Jean." Scott said, still expressionless. Talking and
not thinking about what he was saying was the only way
he could get through with this. "I only told Jean
because it affects - our marriage. She needed to know
so we could deal with the consequences honestly. Just
like I needed to know about Paul, Logan. So we could
deal with the consequences adequately."

"Wasn't like that with Paul."

"I know - but it still hurt."

"I - didn't want to hurt ya. Thought it would be
better to keep my trap shut, cause of what happened."

Scott shook his head. "That's not the way it works.
Secrets like that always come back and bite you on the
ass, don't they?"

Logan grunted. "Sorry."

Scott sighed. "Logan - everything is so screwed up
right now. You and I. Whatever's going on with you
and Remy. Paul's presence is so disruptive to the
whole school - ."

"'Cause he can be a class one asshole." Logan
muttered and rubbed his hands uneasily in his jeans.
"Maybe there's some mutants that ain't worth
rescuing."

Scott knew Logan wasn't talking about Paul. "You know
that isn't true. Everyone's worth rescuing, Logan."

The Canadian looked at him so blank that Scott knew
his words had gotten through. "Ya think so?"

"Yes."

Logan shrugged and studied the far wall of the garage.
"Well ya got yer work cut out fer you. Paul don't
want saving."

"I imagine he's never had - anyone reach back when
he's reached out." Scott said softly. "And he's very
skilled at making sure that his worst expectations are
met. Can you tell me why you attacked him? Paul
believes it's his fault."

Logan's head snapped up. "Shit - I was tryin' to
fuckin' gut him! If he hadn't stopped me - Christ - I
might've - killed him."

Scott watched Logan closely, the man squeezed his eyes
shut and his hands clenched. "Shit - ever since that
kid showed up, my life has been fucked. I - I didn't
want to touch the kid, Scott, I swear it. Him and
Remy were going at it -"

Logan broke off with a flush then went on painfully.
"I was trying t'pull 'em apart. And when I touched
him - I could feel what they were - doin'. Hit me,
y'know -"

Logan gestured obscenely to his crotch. "Hell, you
know I wouldn't do a kid. He just don't - don't feel
like a kid. Smell like one."

"I just wanted him so bad. Wanted them both." Logan
trailed off, looking strained and desperate. "Shit -
still do. Paul is - is teasing the shit out of me,
I'm gonna die of blueball. I don't know what the hell
to do."

Scott swallowed hard. He hadn't realized that Logan
was still attracted to Paul. And he'd certainly not
realized that Paul was tormenting the man. He'd
refused to see it, now that he knew, he wasn't sure
how he was going to deal with it. "Tell me. Tell me
when it's a problem and I'll help you. Don't keep
secrets. You don't have to deal with this alone and -
and I'm not going to turn away from you. Not for
this. Not for anything."

"You didn't tell me."

Scott had to look away. "I know. And I probably
wouldn't have except its important to what's going on
now."

"Fine. I told you. You told me. Now what?"

"Logan, I don't want you to leave." Scott rested a
hand on the shorter man's shoulder, feeling the tense
flinch. "I'm still - upset. I'm having a hard time
with this but I don't want you to leave. I'll talk to
Paul."

"What am I supposed to do to make it right?" Logan
asked, jaw clenched and staring at his bike. "Between
us."

"I don't know." Scott shook his head. "I don't know
yet - but we'll figure something out. Just - try to be
patient a little longer. You're my friend."

"Still?"

"Yes."

****************************

Paul had heard that Marie was looking for him - mostly
by eavesdropping on conversations that stopped as soon
as he came near. He didn't want her to find him but
he was already hiding as much as he could and when
Marie came up to sit across from him at dinner -
setting her tray down with a thump that echoed her
determination - at least he knew she wasn't likely to
hurt him. Not in public. Bobby was hovering behind
her and he felt angry, guilty and embarrassed by
turns.

"Paul, I want to talk, okay?" She asked.

"'Kay. Talk." He shrugged, pressing his hand on the
nervous stab in his stomach and eyeing the crowded
cafeteria. They were drawing attention as Marie spoke
to the school pariah. Even Frank had friends now - it
was kind of funny - before Paul had started messing
with the blob, no would talk to him. Now Paul was at
the bottom of the ladder and Frank was a little
higher, standing on Paul's back. He accidentally met
Jubilation's eyes and flinched from the flat,
murderous glare. Everyone else was getting over what
he'd done, now that Logan was back to normal, but not
her. She didn't follow him anymore but he could feel
that she was only waiting. It looked like Jubes held
grudges till they died of old age.

Paul pushed his plate away, she was just another
reminder that he didn't belong here, and wasn't going
to stay. As soon as the weather turned for good, he
was out of here. They couldn't stop him. By now, he
was sure that even Remy and Logan were sick of him,
not that his old tricks had ever really cared in the
first place. Paul shifted uncomfortably, pushing away
the suspicion that he was just kidding himself.

It was smarter to realize that no one cared right off,
everything else was just crap. And hurt. He'd gotten
over caring about things like friends a long time ago.
This place made him forget that and that scared him.

Marie sighed and picked at her meatloaf and mystery
vegetables. Paul was glad of his mostly brown rice
diet. "You just aren't going to listen, are you?"

Paul shrugged again.

"Look, I'm sorry about - what I did."

"Nothing to be sorry about. It was sex, like I said."
 

"No - no - I should've said no the first time." Marie
looked up. "It was wrong -"

Paul snorted and sank back in his chair, staring
sourly at her. How many tricks had said that too him?
Now her. "Sure."

"I don't mean it like that." Marie shook her head
impatiently. "I mean - I don't even know you much but
- um - you remind me of someone, I guess. He - he
dosen't know much about being a friend either. It
wasn't right, I took advantage of you. It - it wasn't
you I wanted to be doing it with."

Marie glanced towards Bobby who, with a grimace, sat
down next to her. She touched the back of his hand
and Bobby held it. Paul watched, seeing how they
liked each other - really liked each other. Even now,
even after Bobby had caught his girl giving head to
some other guy. It made Paul's throat get tight with
- envy. He gritted his teeth and reminded himself
that he didn't care. He didn't care. Paul blinked
hard, startled by the sudden ache of tears in his
eyes.

"'Kay." He said flatly, breathing carefully and sure
no one could see how stupid he was being. By now, he
couldn't even blame it on the jones.

Marie's face shifted and she shook her head slightly.
She was sad. "You don't even know it's wrong. But it
is. And I know it."

Marie looked down and took a few bites of her
meatloaf, her hair slid down over her face and Paul
remembered how it felt in his hands. It was the one
thing of her that anyone could touch. He stared
narrow eyed at her just waiting for that pity. He'd
felt it before, from tricks - mixed with guilt - from
strangers staring at him as they drove past, from the
clinic doctors and social workers he went to see when
he had to. It made him sick, pity. He didn't need
anyone to feel sorry for him. But it wasn't pity she
felt. She didn't feel sorry for him. Just sad.

"What the hell is wrong with it? Getting close,
having a good time. You don't hate me - you said
that. So it's no big deal. It's - " Paul hesitated,
knowing he should shut up but he could feel the how
*nice* it was between Bobby and Marie. He couldn't
have that - he knew that but the word popped out
anyway. "It's like what friends do."

And that's what Marie was sad about, he'd hit the
target without even trying. Paul grimaced. Of
course, they weren't friends. But when she answered,
he realized that wasn't what she was sad about. "No.
It's not. It's not what friends do. They don't use
each other like that. I don't - know if we can be
friends, Paul. But we'll see."

Paul frowned suspiciously at her. "I'm not a
project."

Bobby snorted, sourly amused. "Give it up, Paul. No
one can change Marie's mind when she's set on
something."

Marie shoved him, rolling her eyes. Bobby just leaned
against her and, in that moment, Paul realized why
Bobby was so uncomfortably grateful to him. He and
Marie were doing it - because Paul had shown Marie how
- Bobby was finally getting some. Paul wondered if
they'd gone all the way yet and if it had been
everything Marie had hoped - making love - not just
having sex. He wondered if it made a difference.

Paul chewed on his lip, asking a question he wasn't
sure he wanted answered. "So you don't hate me?"

Marie looked surprised. "No - but you know that
right?"

Paul shrugged. "Guess so."

"No, Paul." Marie said seriously and clearly so there
could be no mistaking her. "I don't hate you."
 

TBC